Peer Review by | rosi willard | (United States)

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Magnum Trailer!

By: AstroWriter


FREE WRITING

    "Mom? Dad? Are we safe here?" Tom says in a very concerned baby voice. "We are fine, Tommy. We're just playing a small game here, ok?" Dad says while gently brushing Tom's hair with his fingers.
    "Whoever is the last to leave the basement gets a treat from me for Rita's!" Mom says with a weak smile. We all have a nervous laugh, thinking the same thing. Will we be even alive by then? Nicole gets out her phone and scrolls through her Instagram.
    "Magnum is gonna hit us in five minutes!" she says while looking up from her phone. I grab her phone and see. The most trending hashtag is Magnum, with almost everyone using it. "We should probably turn on the news," Mom says with a sigh. She gets out of her leopard print blanket and walks toward the pool table. She grabs the remote and turns on our T.V.
    "Guys, we have just received news report from NASA as Magnum is going to hit us in 2 minutes," The lady with blonde curls says with mismatched face and voice. Her panicked voice matches the situation perfectly while her face has a small smile on it like everything in the world is going to be ok. India is already submerged in water and a humongous asteroid is going to hit us in less than a minute. Nothing at all is ok right now.
    "Now, time for the countdown!" The very old aged man says on the T.V. like it's the New Year countdown.
    "Fiv-," before the two ridiculous people finish the countdown, the T.V. shuts off. I glance at my mom, thinking she turned it off, but see the remote son the pool table. I look around and see all of us huddled up in the warmth of our blankets. I pray to god and then suddenly get hit by the radiation.


Message to Readers

Hi guys! I am working on a new series called "Magnum". If you want to get notified when I post a new chapter, just say "Me!" in the comment section. I will be posting the first chapter on Wednesday. Thanks and enjoy the series! :)


Peer Review

Okay, I thought it was a really interesting concept; a family huddling together in what I can only assume is a bunker, waiting out a natural disaster. It was a nicely put together piece for the most part.


Who is this character? Why has the world gone into such disarray over an asteroid? How big is it? Why is India underwater? How long has the protagonist within the story been stuck in this bunker/basement with their family. I think what you really need to hone in on in this piece is fleshing out the world around your main character, as well as also giving the reader little tidbits about the main character that would give them insight into what sort of person they are. Arguably, world-building comes first in this case; a post-apocalyptic/dystopian piece should have a well-thought out environment that the characters can interact with.


Reviewer Comments

I think this is a really good starting point for a story that has a lot of potential; the only real pointers that I think you should focus on are:
- worldbuilding; how does this setting the story takes place in function?
-your characters' lens (figure out how exactly they view the world around them and what their thoughts are)
-family dynamic (it's interesting - work on how they interact with each other. A cool contrast would be a monologue showing the reader what the family was like before the crisis, versus after.

I hoped this review helped you in some way!
Can't wait to see how it pans out!

-rosi