Peer Review by Writing4Life (Australia)

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Magnum Trailer!

By: AstroWriter


    "Mom? Dad? Are we safe here?" Tom says in a very concerned baby voice. "We are fine, Tommy. We're just playing a small game here, ok?" Dad says while gently brushing Tom's hair with his fingers.
    "Whoever is the last to leave the basement gets a treat from me for Rita's!" Mom says with a weak smile. We all have a nervous laugh, thinking the same thing. Will we be even alive by then? Nicole gets out her phone and scrolls through her Instagram.
    "Magnum is gonna hit us in five minutes!" she says while looking up from her phone. I grab her phone and see. The most trending hashtag is Magnum, with almost everyone using it. "We should probably turn on the news," Mom says with a sigh. She gets out of her leopard print blanket and walks toward the pool table. She grabs the remote and turns on our T.V.
    "Guys, we have just received news report from NASA as Magnum is going to hit us in 2 minutes," The lady with blonde curls says with mismatched face and voice. Her panicked voice matches the situation perfectly while her face has a small smile on it like everything in the world is going to be ok. India is already submerged in water and a humongous asteroid is going to hit us in less than a minute. Nothing at all is ok right now.
    "Now, time for the countdown!" The very old aged man says on the T.V. like it's the New Year countdown.
    "Fiv-," before the two ridiculous people finish the countdown, the T.V. shuts off. I glance at my mom, thinking she turned it off, but see the remote son the pool table. I look around and see all of us huddled up in the warmth of our blankets. I pray to god and then suddenly get hit by the radiation.

Message to Readers

Hi guys! I am working on a new series called "Magnum". If you want to get notified when I post a new chapter, just say "Me!" in the comment section. I will be posting the first chapter on Wednesday. Thanks and enjoy the series! :)

Peer Review

It's gonna be a total sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat story, which I love! You already get a taste of this in the trailer. The grammar isn't perfect, but it makes up for it in excitement! I'm a little nervous about asteroids now! ;)

Considering this is a trailer, I don't really need to know more. I like the amount of info vs mystery in this piece. You aren't confused about what's happening, but it doesn't spoil any details for the actual series. That can be a hard balance, but you've done it perfectly! More details would be nice, but honestly, I just love descriptive writing so that could just be me :P But, do remember, descriptions can really pull readers into the writing, so a little description never hurt no one ;P

Reviewer Comments

Great job! My main point for you is your grammar.
After you've written a piece, I suggest re-reading (aloud would be best) it to make sure it flows off the tongue. If your writing isn't easy to read, it's going to take your readers out of the picture you're painting for them.

Wonderful piece! I can't wait to read the series :D Remember, these are all suggestions, and I did point out a lot of things; that doesn't mean I don't love this!
Keep Writing <3