crystalline•galaxies

Switzerland

tuffy
she/they
infp-a | 4w5

Message to Readers

*possible tw for mentions of death*

note: all of you are so very kind in offering up your testimonies and resources explaining why God is real, but it isn't exactly what i need right now. this piece is more expression than anything. the reason i posted it was to express some minor feelings and create something artistic -- and that was the extent of my reasoning. i'm not asking for anyone to try to convince me either way. i seriously do appreciate the time you have all put into those comments, however, and it's nice to know that people care.

at the foot of this altar

January 22, 2021

FREE WRITING

16
the altar is cold and unforgiving, hard stone against soft skin. tears cushion my damp cheek as it rests near the patch of moss. this shrine has not been used in years, and the wood sitting on top has wilted in the rain. it is funny how the world is silent in the face of abandonment.

i turn my eyes to the stars above.

i used to come here every day, faith strong as iron in my heart as i stood steadfast, my young face turned to the seemingly unending pillar of belief in quiet awe. now, i am much older; there are bags underneath my once-sparkling eyes, and my body is tired. i do not even know why i came here. nobody can help me under these blanched columns. 

my mind has not stopped whirling around in circles, and it is beyond me why i cannot grasp the confidence i felt all those years ago. how did i kneel at the base of the altar and proclaim my religion over and over again with no hesitation? how did i let myself get taken underneath that holy water with no fear of drowning? how did i study those scriptures with my whole heart, drinking in every word as if it would save my life? it seems impossible, for now i can barely lay on the ground near the statues of worship without breaking. 

once i realized what i could not find here anymore, i had traveled the entire world, hoping to find another altar -- one that was full of life and light. i was so hopeful back then, hopeful in the face of heartbreak and despair. in the end, the latter triumphed, and i ended up back here, where i am today. my hair is long and my feet are swollen, and wasting away here does not seem like a poor option after all. better to die in a familiar but lost home than to die in a strange and anxious land.

i have accepted my fate. i ask the deities i once tried to find to forgive me for the sins i have committed -- it is not their fault that my eyesight is poor. i take off my cloak, the last protection i have against the elements. my sandals are lain on the ground, pressed up against the stone wall. before i lay down, however, there is one last thing i must do. i turn around, facing the altar as i once did when i was young, and beg for divinity to reveal itself to me, so i may know that i have not been forsaken my whole life.

the world still stands silent in the face of abandonment.

i lay down and breathe my last.
faith that once was dissolves over time; where do we go from there?

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  • January 22, 2021 - 2:02pm (Now Viewing)

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16 Comments
  • Wisp

    First off, I get this image of someone sitting on an altar and stained glass reflections are strung across the room in colorful displays. It's so meaningful and poignant this piece and I get this sense of falling but not quite falling at the same time. It's profound how you touch on this thought of losing faith (I'm not sure if that was your intention, but that was what I interpreted). You explore so many emotions in just one piece and while it may not seem like much on surface level, there are so many things to uncover from it as a whole. Your comparison of blind faith when you were younger to now, it just illuminates your meaning even more, it captures something beautiful and raw and heartbreaking. I've had these thoughts before and it's beyond words how you managed to capture that feeling so eloquently here. Simply breathtaking, this piece.
    Also also also!!! I see you reached 100+ followers dearie. Congratulations!! You totally deserve every single follower!!


    7 days ago
  • Blue Jay

    Oh my, this is amazing! I had a similar experience with faith and religion, and the way you described it, it's so poetic yet so on point. Faith really dissolves over time, and then you look back and your thinking "I used to believe that?" Amazing piece, once again, so on point in so many ways, and so poetic, it like tells the story of going from believing in a religion and then starting to lose it and then trying to find it again but you just end up back where you started but all of a sudden your perspective on the same exact things you used to believe in has changed. I also love the use of the "alter" to describe this. I am kind of at the same point, where do we go from here? Anyways, wonderful piece again, and congrats on almost 100 followers!


    about 1 month ago
  • bunnybeige

    why aren't you at 100 followers yet?
    this is an outrage >:C


    about 1 month ago
  • em wilder

    i don't know what to say. this is beautiful and powerful and really relatable for me. "i do not even know why i came here. nobody can help me under these blanched columns. " i-- wow. and the footnotes! totally feel this. i can't say i believe in god. i don't really know how to do that if that makes sense? like maybe things happen for a reason, that's an amazing thought. but what if they don't? see this is why i can't believe in a god... you have to believe and i don't think i can without doubt creeping into my mind. i do feel comfortable in my religion though, i love the community and cultural aspects. the god thing though... i just don't know. and i get what you talked about in one of the last stanzas, how if you can't believe in a deity, if you can't believe in a higher force, everything is for nothing, life is somewhat meaningless in a way. but maybe my god is in the little things in life? like some people live for god because they believe so much but i just belive in life i guess? that almost sounds pitiful. i have no idea, just thinking out loud here. maybe it doesn't even matter? but if it doesn't then why are we mulling over this? anyway, i could go on and on on this topic but i'm not! oh, and thank you so much for your comment on my piece the other day, checking in. made my day! i've had writer's block lately so that's not good. how are you doing?
    <3<3<3


    about 1 month ago
  • Lata.B

    This piece really is heartbreaking but it's stunning the way you wrote it. wow!


    about 1 month ago
  • Rohan’s Defender

    Re: absolutely. I’m here anytime for you, and I hope I can help in some small way. :) Have a great day/night!


    about 1 month ago
  • Paisley Blue

    re: ... i'm a little tempted to change the line to frogs of frost...

    i'm (probably) not going to. but i want to lol


    about 1 month ago
  • Paisley Blue

    goodness this is so emotional and... wow. even before i read your msg box, before i read the footnotes or even the whole piece, before i even finished the first paragraph, your imagery swept me away. it is absolutely stunning and... wow. i could feel and see and smell and hear every detail in the place you described - wet moss and dirt and the sky brightening into a gray dawn and birds daring to sing, and breathing in slightly chilled air... wow. you have such a way with words!!

    re: omg "frogs of frost" is my new favorite thing ever.


    about 1 month ago
  • Rohan’s Defender

    This piece is heartbreaking but so raw.... wow. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this with religion. I know it’s hard sometimes to believe. But in my experience, God has worked in my life and provided for me in so many ways that are seriously supernatural, starting as far back as my parents when they were growing up. It’s hard to believe. But if we try our best to believe, God can help us with the rest. I’m only trying to offer some help and encouragement, but tell you what to do, and I’m certainly not trying to invalidate the way you feel. But I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.


    about 1 month ago
  • Ahsan Nizaam

    It is really a very beautiful piece, I wasn't in the mood of reading the whole thing but every word I read seemed to pull me into it even more. It seem to me that I was experiencing all the emotions the character felt. I feel sorry for your broken faith. Have an open mind and maybe you'll find the peace you seek.


    about 1 month ago
  • rwong

    dang ummm i don't really know what to say about this. i would totally copy my favorite part but then you'd be rereading your own piece, and sooooo yea. it's so full of longing and heartbreak and honesty and emotion and i read it like 5 times before i even started typing this comment, and truly this is such a beautiful piece. <3 <3 <3
    on another note, i'm really sorry about your experiences concerning your faith :((
    anyway yea i really love this piece tuffy you never cease take my breath away with your pieces.


    about 1 month ago
  • Zirong

    :0 This piece is so beautifully powerful. I love it!!!


    about 1 month ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: Okay bb <3


    about 1 month ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: Yeah, doubt is crazy. You're not alone in it though; a lot of people experience it and then come out of it stronger. There are some amazing videos and books proving the Bible's validity and the fact that there being a God makes more sense than the other option. Just if you're interested. <3


    about 1 month ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Oh... oh wow. This piece is a sucker punch of honesty and emotion. I'm so sorry you've had this experience with religion. I've had much better success (wrong word but whatever) with a faithful relationship, if I may.


    about 1 month ago
  • bunnybeige

    i can't wait for the day that you reach 100 followers - your word choice, your ways of conveying imagery are magnificent!
    just letting you know..i'm a big fan of your work.


    about 1 month ago