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i still dream of you

est. 26.9.19

Message to Readers

i never told you, but on that day i said five more years. and it's been exactly five, i guess that promise remained true huh? i--i pride myself in my words, but for once i do not know where to begin or what to say.

the clock is ticking and the memory of tears threatens to fall and all i know now is the imprint of your hand in mine.

i don't think i'm ready to say goodbye.
but i guess this is where it ends.


January 14, 2021



Trigger Warning: Grief   

    Sometimes I think that it's human power that makes humans weak. The ability of having absolutely anything and being capable of it all that leaves us powerless. For, when the sun sets and we close our eyes, we are nothing more than living breathing beings succumbing to primal necessities. At the end of the day, the end of the road, we have absolutely everything, but no matter how much we have, there is nothing we can take with us. We spend our lives accumulating greatness, our lives building up our power and strength, but when the day dawns on us and it is time; we are nothing but powerless vessels. There is nothing we take with us when we go, only the memories of our life before they eventually fade. We claim that humans are the most powerful animals alive, but it is our human power that makes us weak. 

    I've experienced grief twice in my life.

    The first had been my grandma. She died in January five years ago, but the memory of it is still so vivid. I remember watching The Iron Giant with my cousins in the living room of my grandparents' house. All my aunts and uncles had gone to visit her in the hospital, including my parents, the only one that stayed behind was my aunt, the youngest. I don't remember much of the movie, only the thrum and heaviness of the afternoon. When the phone rang, it was like my heart stopped, and when she broke down into tears, I knew that was the end. 

    The second time had been when my uncle died two years ago. I wasn't close with him, but it was the first funeral on my dad's side of the family that I remember going to. I left that day not feeling the same. I had never been close to him, but seeing his pale face hurt more than I thought it was. Perhaps it was the thought of Death looming over us that hurt, or perhaps it was the realization that we weren't invincible. All I know is that the months after, I found myself thinking about him whenever my eyes shut. He was one of my many uncles, I didn't know him, yet, he was etched into my memories. 

    Coping with Death has never been easy, and it will never get easier. 

    My dad doesn't show it a lot, but he's a sensitive soul. I think I may have gotten this poetic side because of him. He's sentimental and contemplative, and he feels his emotions too much. I've seen him cry twice in my life, once when my grandma passed away and twice after a visit with his brother who was recovering from a heart attack. When a strong solid figure in your life like that breaks down, you can't help but realize the weight of things. My dad makes jokes when everyone is crying, he talks about the positives instead of focusing on the negatives, he doesn't show his sadness unless he's by himself in a room and crying. My mom told me once that he used to cry every night before we came into his life; I still haven't forgotten.
    My mom likes to look as if everything is alright. She comes home from work every night and does the same thing as she did the night prior. It looks like she's alright, but deep down I know she's crying inside, I know she's afraid and I know that she is just barely able to keep it together. I remember one night after my grandma died, it was the year anniversary and I was sleeping with her. She lied there and started sobbing. I remember the croak of her throat and ache of her voice when she said It's been a year since she died. I held her that night and I never forgot it. My mom is like my dad, she tries to find the light in situations and laugh when she knows that it's not alright. 

    I guess I get it from the both of them. I feel too deeply and it leads me to suppressing everything out until the day comes when it all falls down on itself. I dwell over things for far too long and it's like a cut that'll never heal. It took me a year to get over my grandma and it took half a year to get over my uncle. I don't tell my parents and i try not to show it, because I know they're hurting when they're trying to smile. I rather forget than feel, but that isn't a choice. So I feel and feel and feel and smile and hold my parents when they're crying. Staying strong for them, is the only way to get through it. 

    It's five years later.

    I remember the day my grandpa came home from the hospital after my grandma died. He was crying and clinging to my uncle while mumbling in fragmented English, Grandma's gone, She's gone. I went home that night after kissing him goodnight. 

    When everything had calmed down after the funeral and sorting of things, I heard my grandpa said he'd live for only two more years before he went. That day, I made a promise that he'd last another five years. I know it was selfish of me, but I wanted it to be true. Now it's five years later. 

    My grandpa has gone in and out of the hospital so many times during these last couple of months. The doctors said his leg would have to be amputated to save him, but it was decided that the operation will not go through. My grandpa has been a shell of his former self. Every time I visit, he's sitting on the couch where he and my grandma used to sit together. He can no longer walk and he's in so much pain. 

    It's been five years just like I said that day. 

    Sometimes I think that it's human power that makes humans weak. 
If you couldn't tell from the piece, things aren't going well. It's been hard lately, and just writing this helped, so to anyone who actually took the time to read it, thank you. I'll be dropping off the face of WtW for a while, not sure how long, but I just need to be able to support my mom right now. 


See History
  • January 14, 2021 - 3:24pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Crazy

    Hi Wisp,
    I am a ready friend if you need someone, I want everyone to feel safe included. Keep strong. I know my friendship may not help, I can not compare to what is happening.
    A friend if you need, Crazy

    2 months ago
  • SunV

    Hi Wisp,
    I just saw this piece, and I hope you're doing alright. I can't imagine what you're feeling, but know that we're all there for you, and if you want to talk, or rant, don't be hesitant to reach out. Grief can be hard, and although what I've been through before cannot compare to this, know that I'm always here if you need a friend.
    Yours, SunV

    3 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    hi dear,
    i miss you. it's been a while since I've seen you around, and i'm praying for you. every day. i really hope you're doing okay!! my thoughts are with you, wisp <33 even if you don't see this for a while. i'm always always always here and waiting patiently until the day where we can *virtually* be together again! i'm so sorry if i'm being selfish or insensitive. i just wanted to let you know that you are dearly missed and we love you!

    all my love <33

    3 months ago
  • mirkat

    hey wisp,
    it's me again. you probably won't read this for a while because you are on your break, but i wanted to say i'm thinking of you. i know that sounds really cliche, and it is, but i know how much a kind comment here or there can make you feel. so i guess this is a little gift for you when you decide you are ready to come back. i've been on a little haitus too, mostly because life has picked up again and i've been pretty busy lately. also i had (and still sort of do) a bad case of writer's block. i'm working through it though and i wanted to let you know i'm here. i know you know that already though and also i know there's nothing i can do so maybe this is a little pointless. well, dear, i'm always here if you want to talk and i can't wait to see your name grace the dashboard again. take your time.

    4 months ago
  • mirkat

    that is hard, so hard. i can't even begin to understand how you feel... but i'm sorry. i know that doesn't mean much-- sorry has become a word devoid of meaning-- well more like it doesn't convey enough. but i am sorry that you have to go through that. through this. i also know you are strong and beautiful and you can get through this. totally understand needing a break. everything can be overwhelming. take as much time as you need and know i'm here when you are ready to come back. as for your actual writing in this piece, it's just as emotional and deep and introspective as always. like paisley said, it's okay to not be okay... stay strong, my wisp.

    4 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    oh man... i just want to say i love you, and i'm praying for you. this is so heartbreaking and beautiful and... i don't know what to say. i understand needing to leave, but if you need anything, i'll always be here for you. no matter what.

    it's okay to not be okay. i love you, my dearest, my constant. all my prayers <3

    4 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    the first line appearing at end again... the descriptions of grief, and your memories... this is ineffably beautiful beyond any words. i can't go into the details but recently something happened in my personal life and those memories will remain with me forever. take care of yourself, alright? this is such a powerful piece, and i'm glad that writing it made you feel better. i wish you and your family the absolute best. i hope the next decision you make brings you happiness.

    4 months ago
  • Busssy.Beee

    You're such a strong soul, which is something I truly admire. You're ability to write about such a strong feeling in simple words, makes me so emotional. The way you wrote about everything here felt so heartbreaking, and pure. Gosh, you're going to make you cry now. I read this piece twice now, the second time hit harder than the first because of just the power in the words. And can I just say, that the way you recover past memories, it's so vivid and live, as if it's happened just a day or two ago. You're definitely one with words, shizu.

    I'll be here, waiting 'til you return, okay? I would love to be able to welcome you back with open arms and a welcoming comment/piece/or something else. I'll be waiting at the entrance gate at wtw, for your arrival again. you will always have a place in my heart whether you're here or not. But, please tell me when you're back!! Always will love you. <3

    So, till we talk again,
    Mitsubachi. <3

    4 months ago
  • crystalline•galaxies

    love you, wisp, dear. take all the time you need. we’re all thinking of you and your family.

    4 months ago