aosora

United Arab Emirates

meet me there someday

Message to Readers

i dont do well with prose, so any and all feedback is appreciated.

god asks eve if paradise is satisfactory, and she says no

January 16, 2021

FREE WRITING

28


He is serene. 

Sweet summer boy, nectar mouth parted, the staff that broke the sea. He seems to me so hollow; a lithely whittled mausoleum one matchstick away from chaos, the kind that floods junctions into crisp, unruly frenzies. 

We are always unoccupied. I smash the only clock I possess, and he watches me with amusement. Later, I mourn the loss a wee bit, gathering broken plastic bits into the valley of my palms and gazing forlornly at the brass hour hand. It seems so diabolical to have gifted someone a clock on their sixteenth birthday, but he'd said it was to ruin me. No mincing the words, nothing to spread the abrasiveness thinly. 

There are worse things to get ruined by — primarily him, but this is only a ghostly whisper — and so, in the spirit of rebellion, the poor clock gets the guillotine. 

Funnily enough, there is never anything to do, and yet this sense of freedom seems oddly tethered. He minds the slow poison of anxiousness, the notion that something needs doing, but what, and how, evades him. For the larger part, I tell him to enjoy this. 

"This is the only chance you and I will ever get to be this peaceful," I say soothingly. 

He is serene again. Still hollow, still lithely whittled, still a matchstick away. I let him be, back flat on the grass, and sing myself another crude tune. The summer melts itself dry, and now, we submerge ourselves into the stark blue of December. 

And still, the nothingness drones. Unbearably so, he rots at the seams, nectar studded with stuck dead flies, and I convince myself for hours to not deeply drink into the madness.

~

It is neither slick nor apparent, but I still see the end miles away before it actually arrives. I think it to be callous of me, but I open the door to let it in. I brew it a frothing cup of odious coffee. Secretly, I am relieved. The serene boy would break no bones to come back here, and it seemed almost a pity. 

But leaving is a matter entirely divorced from threatening to. The end picks up its hat and loops an arm around his, and I stand by the doorframe, watching the retreating backs of two fragments of sorrows. Window boldly shut, table dusted, teacup clutched between five fingers and slammed into the wall, coffee dregs slowly mapping the shoddy paint job tearfully. 

Then, silence. No more hollow mausoleum crying himself to sleep. No more chagrin at my perpetual tranquility. He must have resented the lifelessness of us, the pale ennui of liberty at our own terms. 

No matter. obscene and brazen, I will stay here like a clasped earthworm, resigning itself to be mangled under a boot. This is no trouble. None at all.



 

a little context. i considered the idea of people living in a "haven". how much longer until it wears them down? who stays? could you?

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  • January 16, 2021 - 8:36am (Now Viewing)

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14 Comments
  • antizoeclub

    im convinced ur the most talented writer on the planet. there is nothing more to say


    7 days ago
  • Wisp

    I have to admit that the title especially grabbed my eye and drew me in. And the way you craft this story makes the title even more fitting, painting this picture that having everything does not particularly mean you simply have everything. The depth and meaning in this piece runs deep and I especially love that, considering the motifs of God and Eve through the title. I like how this revolves around an idea such as this one, because that is a very good question. Would having everything simply be enough? I think as human beings it's imparable to always want more and more, to never be content with what you have. And you capture that idea brilliantly here. This is a very beautiful and thoughtful piece, and the footnotes really had me thinking a bit.


    8 days ago
  • Caleb Urlacher

    Ignore the fact that I answered no to "who stays? could you?" lol. I meant yes


    8 days ago
  • Caleb Urlacher

    And the prose is very good :)


    8 days ago
  • Caleb Urlacher

    This is a good question, I'll bite. In my opinion, I say no. Life in and of itself is subjectively a "haven," and generally people enjoy all that this world has to offer. Yes, the world can break us down, but we still choose to stay.

    In the Biblical story, the garden was truly a paradise. It had no evil, it had nothing that could make Adam or Eve worn down. As the story progresses, Satan craftily tells them that they will become like God if they eat of the tree. (Ironically, they had already been made in the image of God.) Eve was outsmarted and ultimately ate of it, but it wasn't because she was tired of the haven, she thought they could still live there. After that, they were banished, and I'm sure they longed for the garden in the midst of a new world that had almost no context.

    As far as Biblical stories go, it's not the haven that wears people down. It's the idea of wanting to be equal or greater than God. It can be asked why a God would allow that in the first place, and it's because of free will. If we were forced to love a god or God, would that be love in the first place? No, it would be us being controlled.

    So my answer to the question is that I would stay. It wouldn't wear me down (assuming this haven is perfect), because there is nothing to do so in the first place.


    8 days ago
  • intoxicating starlight

    This is absolutely magnificent! The metaphors are interwoven so casually and there is a depth that one cannot fully grasp without picking apart your prosetry with cautious fingers. From your title that references the biblical garden of Eden as the character's own stagnant paradise. You captured the restlessness of the metaphorical Adam explicitly, beautifully, and I can feel his dissatisfaction with just laying together, BEING. I can also feel how rounded the narrator is, and she is absolutely riveting. From her own lack of understanding why he would want to leave to her sensing of the inevitable end of their "haven," the way she greets "the end" as if its a character coming to take her companion away... just, I can't gush about how well written and thoughtful this is. You created a page-turning plot with fascinating characters in the briefest of words and it is just... Chef's kiss*


    8 days ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    the footnotes clear things up a bit, lovely. there's a superstition that if you receive a clock on your birthday, it means you're going to die soon: the symbolism is so well done and utilized! i find that many times, pieces that blur the lines between prose and poetry are hard to read because of the excessive figurative language ladled onto it and because the two contrasting styles are hard to connect, but this was very easy to digest and read! your word choice gives off a forlorn mood, absolutely perfect. this was especially easy to visualize and the more poetic lines don't really weigh the piece down at all. and the sorrow still lingers after you read it. simply, it's just... beautiful.
    slight note: it did take a few rereads for me to figure out the outcome of the story, who left and who stayed. maybe it's just my muddled mind mucking up the words but worth mentioning.


    9 days ago
  • Dmoral

    the title was appealing due to its simplicity and clear referencing. i love how you primarily stuck to conventional regarding capitalizing and grammar, allowing for an easy read. i will say, i felt like you were speaking to us with the tone of this with poetic lines laced throughout the piece. meaning, it had a unique flow. my favorite lines are, "There are worse things to get ruined by — primarily him, but this is only a ghostly whisper — and so, in the spirit of rebellion, the poor clock gets the guillotine."


    9 days ago
  • Zinnia123

    I am flabbergasted. Please tell me you are already published in the Paris review or something. Honestly, this is not just good for a teen writer, this is good for a Nobel Laureate.


    9 days ago
  • hold on to the memories #NEWYEAR [slightly hiatus]

    breathtaking


    9 days ago
  • hold on to the memories #NEWYEAR [slightly hiatus]

    no words.


    9 days ago
  • Paisley Blue

    wow... this is stunning :) i love your tone and descriptions - your prose poetry (prosetry?) is wonderful!


    9 days ago
  • RaineyLoeffler

    Beautiful piece!


    9 days ago
  • astrea

    i think i could only stay at the haven for a short time. it would certainly get very boring...
    this piece is very good..


    10 days ago