Ahsan Nizaam

Sri Lanka

-Writer/poet/speaker/ any thing I have the will or drive to become-
-18-
-Sri Lankan (Points for knowing where this is)-
-Facing the end-

Message from Writer

Happiness is a choice and Strength comes from pain. What I am saying is 'If you choose to be happy in the face of pain, Strength is what follows'

Legally an 'Adult'

January 11, 2021

FREE WRITING

2
Anticipation, Expectation, Joy, Happiness, Freedom. These should have been on my mid on the 5th of November. But I’m afraid none of these words even came near the feelings coursing through my mind.
 I was Scared. I was scared that I’m never going to be the same. I was scared that the carefree attitude I always had was no longer in my grasp. I didn’t know the world would shift suddenly, so drastically. At that moment looking at all their faces a mixture of recklessness and zaps of happiness, I was so utterly lost. Everything was so surreal. I began to see, feel and understand things that was so well hidden in their masks of friendship. I began to think of all the things I’ve said to them. Told them to keep it all a secret. It came back to haunt me. By confiding in them I let myself be at their mercy. I had no power or hold over them. What if they turn against me? What if they set to destroy me? I thought of the other thing they have said. Titbits of their lives and feeling thrown here and there just to make me happy. Just to keep me going. Just to make me give my power over to them.
Responsibilities. Oh my God! I never listened. I never truly listened. I should have tried to understand what my parents were trying to say. I should have at least given them a chance for me to understand. I shut them out left them reeling. No! I was right all along. Their vision of everything is twisted. Everything is a worst case scenario. ‘Do more,’ ‘It’s not enough,’ It will never be enough. But I have a weight to carry. Something I couldn’t deny. Something that is the whole reason I’m here.
I understand everything. I understand the need to observe and make note of every expression. I understand the need to be cautious. I understand the need to put everything into perspective. So that I don’t get hurt. I understand the need to stand straight and never show weakness.
But… What about the things I have learnt so far? What about trust? What about their kindness? They care for me don’t they? Why am I different all of a sudden? What... AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaah… I understand…
I straightened my posture gave a smile to everyone present. “Thank you all for coming. I really appreciate it.”

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  • January 11, 2021 - 2:34am (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • anemoia (#words)

    re: that makes sense, actually. i've never quite thought about it that way. but yes, nothing is good when done out of anger.
    also re: thanks for the comment on the napoleon piece! it was a lot of fun


    4 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    Wow. tons of emotions are reflected in this piece. glad i stumbled across you!


    4 months ago
  • Yellow Sweater

    Re: Thanks for reading my pieces! As for your question, Personally, I don't really want to be a goddess. But what I think the narrator wants is the power to make pain beautiful.


    4 months ago