Stone of Jade

United States

~ 17 she/her ~
Aspiring writer and artist. Completely awestruck by night skies. Apart of many, many fandoms ;) Reader, journaler, collector.
~ pilot pens and beat-up notebooks ~
one half of the locket
discord LexLuthor#8769

Message to Readers

um. I don’t know what to say. Bc i thought this only happened in movies. One of my closest friends gave me a card at a xmas party a couple weeks ago. In it, he mentioned some pretty sweet and encouraging things. But ended it a little unexpectedly.

My friends warned me that he might ask me out. But i didn’t really believe them. So the card both caught me off guard, and scared me. I wanted to cry. Cause i don’t want our friendship to change.

And no...this is not the boy who you all might be thinking of. This is not the one who frequents my poetry, and currently my pfp. This is a different friend, who i don’t return the feelings stated with.

Anyway...here is another late night poem that i will prob unpublish and lock away in a box for no one to read for years and years. Bc life is confusing. And as a sixteen-soon-to-be-seventeen-year-old, i don’t know how to cope other than writing about it. (btw i didn't edit and don't intend to--this was written in a rant and will most likely never see the light of day again)

i have no idea what to title this because it is ranting poetry of feelings that confuse me to the point of exhaustion

December 31, 2020

FREE WRITING

8
i used to love the color red
it was bold, exciting.
red made a statement. 
i still love the color,
but when i think of it now,
i will always remember your card.

it scared me.
i read it once,
and didn't dare look at it again.

i am so glad i didn't read it in front of you.
oh gosh
what would I have done?

i read it quickly,
skimming over the handwritten words.
but then stopped short.
i felt my heart race faster and faster.
why did you do it?
why did you say it?
things were fine the way they were.

and now i am scared.
scared that our friendship will be ruined,
because of feelings I don't have.

it took me awhile before i picked up your card again.
i felt ashamed to look at it.
i felt the tears coming when i thought of it.

things were perfect the way they were.
you were my friend.
one of my best friends,
one of my closest friends.
but that was all.
you were my friend.

you were the guy i could geek out with.
why am i using past tense?
i hope you still are. 
with all my heart--no, i shouldn't say it like that--not knowing how you feel of me now.
you are my buddy with whom i could share theories, fandoms, music, movies, books.
you are easy to talk to.

please stay my friend.
please don't let this change our friendship.
i have never been friends with someone this long.
five years of school we've completed together. 
five years of competing for fastest answers in math.
five years of helping and reviewing our english papers.
five years of just being kids. 

viva la youth.
do you remember that conversation?
where we both realized the five stages of growing up.
we are both in denial of the age we are turning this year. 
life goes by fast. 
so, viva la youth

and now we are growing up.
feelings are forming?
i never thought of it before.
my friends warned me.
but it had seemed out of place.
that stuff only happened in movies.

but even movies take inspiration from life.
i wish what happened on screen stayed on screen. 
it's not as fun as it seems. 

im sorry for not mentioning the card right away.
did you make the snowflakes on the front?
that was all i said. 
of course you made the snowflakes.
they were beautiful by the way.
i didn't mention the message you wrote inside.
i didn't mention the three words you used. 
yes...those three words.
i never hated them so much as i did when i read them in your card.
because it didn't feel right.
not when they were coming from you. 

the card is hanging on my wall,
next to the other cards and pictures i collect.
i can look at it again.
i still don't dare to open it.
i feel as though if I ignore it,
the message inside will unwrite itself.
but no. 
that is impossible. 

what was written is written.
you said it. 
and it cannot be taken back.
not for awhile, anyway.

maybe you meant it as agape. 
as a friend,
as a sister and brother in faith.
maybe you meant it as platonic.
it would make sense,
cause i never led you on.
did I?

you are confusing me. 
because i know how i feel.
that will not change.
but i don't know how you feel. 
that word has so many meanings. 

i know you are bold enough to state your feelings. 
i never realized how scared i am of them.
i thought things were so certain.
and then you gave me this card. 
the beautiful red card with the hand-cut snowflakes. 

so how do i respond?
how do i act like nothing happened. 
because it did happen.
and it is affecting me more than you might realize. 

im writing about it. 
i can't even call it poetry.
it is a rant,
in one-lined sentences. 
but really,
that is what poetry is, isn't it?
a rant of feelings, of love, of anger, of confusion...
all inspired by the life around us. 
 
i can't pretend that it didn't happen.
no matter how hard i wish it.
because it is different now. 
maybe it is just my imagination.
do you feel it?
it feels cold. 
like i lost a friend. 

please don't leave
don't break this friendship. 
but here is the real question:
who are those lines above for?
am i writing them for me? or for you...

i don't know what to do.
i want to hang on to our days as kids,
as friends.
as ones unconcerned for what the future might hold.
viva la youth

 
don't expect to understand viva la youth. it was an inside joke with the friend i am "supposedly" writing this for. i know he will never read this poem. (if he does, assume im dead.) i just find it easier to write the poem for the person it is about, without thinking of the "audience" that will read it. because the poetry i write is for me. you guys just are the (lucky-but-not-really) ones who happen to come across it.

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  • December 31, 2020 - 1:22am (Now Viewing)

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8 Comments
  • anemoia (#words)

    oh my goodness
    i am so sorry. here for you. i know i'm late to this post, but... oh dear. i'm not gonna try for advice on this one except for: breathe. it's gonna be ok. trust God. one moment at a time. <3


    4 months ago
  • poetri

    Holy crap what a soliloquy, and a damn good one at that. If you want advice from someone who's been there~ just let it blow over. Don't play into it. Just let it slide off your back and by giving it zero attention it'll be automatically made obvious that you're just not interested. Don't friendzone or hurt feelings, just don't play along. Hope that helps, feel free not to take it because trust me, I'm a mess too <3 <3


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: <3 <3 <3


    4 months ago
  • Rachaelgrace

    this piece is really beautiful, great job! also i love your profile picture :) how have you been lately?


    4 months ago
  • zebrastripes

    Hi, I really loved this piece (it was beautiful) but I'm also sorry that this all happened to you. I guess I can offer you some advice? The same think happened to me except we weren't close friends. I didn't handle it well as I could have. And this is the advice I would give to you (and my past self if I could): Maybe just don't bring it up unless he does first. He hasn't actually admitted those words out loud to you so they aren't as concrete as they can be. And if you are scared about those feelings, it's better to come to terms with them (and have a clear head) before you start talking about them. But if you do have a conservation: be truthful to your feelings and strict with your boundaries (don't feel peer pressured to feel a certain way or do something like go on a date if you don't want to). Also, it's important not to intentionally or unintentionally lead him on (if it helps maybe you can subtly hint that you have a crush on someone else). It's also important (like Anne said) that if you are great friends, you'll get through this together. And 10 years from now this all will be a funny embarrassing/awkward moment you can laugh at when thinking about your teenage years. I wish you all the luck and give you my undivided support in this "trial of life". <3


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Hey. I'm sorry this happened. I know it must be really confusing and you're probably having some intense feelings right now. I hope I can give you some hope that this will be okay by saying this: I used to like a close friend of mine. A lot. And once he found out through a crazy twist of events, it was weird. It was awkward. But good friends get through the awkwardness because they care about each other. And I believe that you guys can make it out as strong or stronger than ever. <3


    4 months ago
  • Estera Ulrich-Oltean

    This is amazing writing and I think the title is perfect the way it is... it really encapsulates the sense of messiness throughout the poem and sometimes these are the poems we need to write


    4 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    wow this is such and emotional piece.sorry about this by the way,but i'm sure things will turn out okay<3


    4 months ago