Dmoral

United States

♕ | she/her | est. 2018
summer hiatus coming soon.

Message to Readers

publishing this because...writing helps me heal. and sure it's personal and not for the world, but publishing anyway to show how human i am and everyone goes through their own things.

my last letter for a while

December 29, 2020

FREE WRITING

8
To: ------

I've drafted this 100 times in my head, but this if my first real attempt at writing it. And I'm only making one draft, because when I revise and edit, I always try to make it sound better. No, this shouldn't sound better. Some apologies aren't meant to.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for always asking, always seeking, always wanting your attention. I always try and find an excuse to say your name, to talk about you. It's selfish, I know. You're not mine, in actuality, I don't find any joy in that term. You and I are people, not things to own. I'm still racking my mind for another term that'd suit you and I better.

And my excuse for the "always"ing for you is a result of my craving for your presence. It's not that I love you, I've convinced myself that I haven't quite truly understood that term yet & it's far too soon to even start using it & you and I not together in any true way in which such word would be appropriate. No, quite the contrary. "Love" is far too intense for you and I right now. It's more, pretentious.

Yet, "like" is not a word I would use. It's not enough in a sense and wouldn't justify anything.

Simply, I don't freaking know how I feel about you I just know how I don't feel. Which in short, makes everything all the more complicated. But there are 3 things I know for sure:

1. Everybody is friends with you and I find that amazing. I envy your connections and I know you've known them all far longer, but I crave them to adore me as they do you. You've built foundations with them for years, while I come in a couple of months and try to claw that from you. And I am completely and utterly sorry. That is not my place. Even though I wanted to share your glory, I came across as wanting to take it from you. That was wrong and I feel horrible.

2. I play you. I play you so hard, all the time-and I found joy in it. You were the first person to blow up my phone and the first person I had ever text without feeling guilty about it (thinking I was interrupting something). I treated you like you and I were something and I had the right to play you. I had absolutely no right- I knew that, I still played you- I'm far sorrier than you could imagine. It haunts me actually, knowing how I'd flirt with you just to ghost you so you would miss me. I've never played the player before, but after winning the game, I realize how much I hate it, how I feel like I've truly lost. It hurts breaking people, and even though I didn't break you I hurt you and that hurt me too.

3. You and I are toxic. Constantly, I found you and I arguing, screaming, irritating--everything that could ruin a person's day, there you and I are doing it. A lot of times you and I would laugh it off, but reflecting, doing that is completely unhealthy. Passive-aggressive. Tension building. Laughing it off was simply you and I putting a bandage on something that needs stitches. I'm sorry, I started a majority of it-no, I take the blame for all of it. I truly do/will and I've never felt more sorry in my life. You lived life wonderfully before me & when I came, I took the pieces of your world down with me. Everything became collateral damage.

This letter is vague, I know, but it'll never reach you. If it does, well, I have more courage than I thought I did. But I doubt it, I'm a coward who hides in her room and writes letters she'll never send to boys who she cares far more about than she ought to. It's a flaw, but it's a flaw that makes me who I am, I'm struggling to accept it. But at least I'm trying to.

And I know repetition can do damage to a message-I do avoid it myself-so I do not blame you for calling me hypocritical when I say, I am sorry. I did damage to you by trying to be someone I'm not. It reminded me why I do not play pretend, why I remain my boring, lonesome, predictable self. Because playing pretend makes you fake, I loathe fake. I use to pride myself on the authenticity of things. Now, I no longer can.

Unfortunately, due to circumstances outside your and my control, my presence will still appear with yours. Fortunately, it will decrease and I will embody maturity. I have moved on for you beginning with this letter. I will respect you and will forever remain kind. I will even make amends and apologize in person (just in less wordy terms represented in this letter). 

I'm sorry, for everything. I don't expect forgiveness, I just hope you hear me out. You don't even have to acknowledge anything, just listening will be enough. Even if that itself selfish.


~ Coworker who wrote this as the proper response to our latest (and biggest) blow up

P.S
Remember when I said I didn't like the idea of "mine" in the sense that people are to be owned? Throughout this letter, I've been looking for a better term/phrase/word. I've settled on this: You are a right. A right I have not yearned nor deserved. A right I gave myself with no place to and abused. 
I refrained from using "us" & "we" because you and I are simply separate entities with no probable future correlations or relationships that exceed where you and I are now.

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  • December 29, 2020 - 10:30pm (Now Viewing)

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15 Comments
  • Wisp

    Replying: I'm glad you're healing :) And do not worry, I definitely feel your appreciation and love.
    P.S. Ahh I'm so glad that you guys worked it out, and sometimes enough is just right. From this point on I hope you guys will have a friendship that won't feel as the one aforementioned, but something, well, just right.


    4 months ago
  • crystalline•galaxies

    re: ah you're so welcome! i realized as i read this piece that i hadn’t interacted with you much and this piece really hit me hard and i really wanted to follow you after that. thank you as well!


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: AH SHOOT NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE WERE CONFUSED. SORRY!!!! I used to be like in so much awe of you that I viewed you as super untouchable like you were better than all of us if that makes sense? So like you were on a pedestal. But now I see you as human (which is duh but bear with me). *cringes* Lemme go change the title.


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Um. I'm just gonna leave this here.
    https://writetheworld.com/groups/1/shared/210407/version/434822


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: You're right, when comments nearly make my heart explode with joy and love, I do often show them to him. Thank you so much. The thought that I can touch people, make a difference for them... It's one of the greatest things I could ever do.


    4 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    just read ella's comment and she perfectly wrote it.
    "even though i've never directly felt like this, i... kinda understand the feelings. sorry, that was vague. point is, this is so emotional that it hurt to read, even though it was in no way meant for me. it felt the way watching someone cry feels - when you can do absolutely nothing but your heart just breaks for them." this is so accurate,your talent of impacting your reader or audience so much.


    4 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    oh dmoral,i read this piece just as i left my house and wow,the whole time i was out,i was just thinking about this piece.i look up to you so much,and how you wrote this with such honesty,holding almost nothing back-i aspire to write like this.dmoral,i'm so so proud of you.admitting to your mistakes and showing all this regret shows how good of a person you are.and more reason to be such an idol.the fact of showing your flaws and your imperfections.but dmoral,i hope you don't keep feeling like this because i still feel as though you're my big sister and i don't want you to hurt,i don't want to see you like this. don't be so hard on yourself,we all make wrong decisions,but learning from them and recognising our faults help shape us. this was such a painful and raw piece,so beautiful. and i somehow found bits of myself in it that scraped at my heart,showing me my faults and that is so painful but so precious.i won't ever forget this piece,it's not only pointed out things that i've tried to ignore but you have taught me so much about writing in it.i have learnt so many new things from this piece.and dmoral,i'm constantly learning so much from you,and you have no idea of how much you and your writing help me and impact me,constantly picking up bits of knowledge keeping them in mind while writing.forever your admirer<3


    4 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    echoing crystalline.galaxies, this hit hard. even though i've never directly felt like this, i... kinda understand the feelings. sorry, that was vague. point is, this is so emotional that it hurt to read, even though it was in no way meant for me. it felt the way watching someone cry feels - when you can do absolutely nothing but your heart just breaks for them. everyone has already said it in much more eloquent terms, but people make mistakes and people mess up and people find themselves in places they didn't want to be. you're learning and you're growing and it's okay to mess up. and you're so sweet and strong and i admire your steadiness, even if you don't think anything of it. i've missed you. i know it's probably not my place to say these things, so i'm sorry. i just want you to understand how strong it is to apologize. to admit you were wrong. i admire it and i am inspired by you.
    wishing you well <3


    4 months ago
  • crystalline•galaxies

    the whole entire line about being the player hit way too hard for me. wow, i don't even know how to even begin to wrap my head around this piece; it felt as if you were somehow ripping away at my skin, and for some reason, i felt horribly exposed at the end of it, though it was all about your experiences and not about me at all. it made me feel so many things at once, and dmoral, i know i haven't interacted with you much (or possibly never), but after this i feel connected to you somehow. and i haven't even experienced hardly any of those things. the way you describe all of this is almost eerie, but not in the typical "spooky" way, but more like the feeling when you see ancient ruins and think about what it used to be. it's impactful.


    4 months ago
  • Wisp

    I will not pretend that I can relate to this feeling you have rawfully described and captured in this piece, but I will say that I hope you know that perhaps you're not as bad as you think you are. Sure, you say that you're selfish and toxic, but Dmoral, it takes so much to admit your wrong, it takes so much to reflect and realize that what you're doing is wrong. Sure, call me biased, say that I don't know you, because I don't, but what I do know is that you're hurting and that you are so much more than just the person you've described in this piece. As CDWillson said, "you're still the kindest, sweetest, lovely person i know through the screen." And I cannot help but agree, because Dmoral, you are so genuine in a way I thought had been lost in the world. And the fact that you're taking the time to sort out your feelings and reflect, taking the time to say sorry, and taking the time to realize that what you've done was wrong, well, that already says a lot about you. I'm glad writing this helped you heal, and I absolutely wish you the best between you and this coworker of yours, and perhaps even the best between you and yourself.


    4 months ago
  • journal.scribbles

    I'm not nearly as eloquent as you or CDWillson, so I'm just gonna agree with Anne about agreeing with CDWillson. Hopefully I didn't dull the message with repetition at all because it's a really good one. <3


    4 months ago
  • CDWillson

    re: i definitely won't wear out the nickname, then XD. i feel fairly confident in saying you're one of my best online buddies, and that's saying something cuz i know some awesome people. when i get back to theprose, i'll tell you all about the awesome stuff i'm learning right now being more distanced from the internet (that is if you're comfy with that). for now, though, have a delightful rest of your day (i was gonna make a pun with your nickname but it was too cheesy LOL)!


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Wow, I got chills reading this. Like big ones. I'm really proud of you, you know? Idk that's all I know how to say, so I guess I'll just add that I agree with everything CDWilson said. Much love. <3


    4 months ago
  • CDWillson

    FOR REAL THOUGH. that first part. "I'm sorry for always asking, always seeking, always wanting your attention. I always try and find an excuse to say your name, to talk about you. It's selfish, I know."
    i was almost yandere for one of my friends for a long time, so i get that vibe. being unhealthily obsessed with someone or something feels euphoric in the moment.


    4 months ago
  • CDWillson

    woof, the feels. i know in times like this you can feel really terrible, D. i know because i've been in a similar situation judging by your prose in this piece. and i know you've said "everything will work out" is a beautiful lie, but in my disagreeing with that i hope i can offer some consolation. because life gets dark. really stupidly dark. but what i always try to remember is that for every bit of darkness, there is light somewhere. you've still got friends who i am sure will love and support you, and i know i'm one of them.
    seriously, heroes can't be paragons all the time. i'm glad you've written this, because confession is part of the healing process.
    and yes, you are still my hero. you're still the kindest, sweetest, lovely person i know through the screen.


    4 months ago