Zirong

Singapore

- INTJ
- CA Alumni
- typical Libra
- Ravendor
- author of 1 book
- tennis & track team
- animes!!!
- singing & song writing & flute
- a perfectionist and a dreamer :)

- CHECK OUT my gorgeous twin sister Starlitskies!!!

Message to Readers

made some slight changes to the first version :)

Writers Do Not Believe in Tears (R.j.Elsewhere's Prompt)

December 26, 2020

FREE WRITING

11
We are writers, my love. We don't cry. We bleed on paper.
-- Lady E. Woolf


"Remember to go to bed earlier."

For a long while, this has been the last text my mom would send me in our every conversation.

And every time, my reply is in perfect compliance. Only in a literal sense, of course. 

Unfortunately I was born a night owl writer, but fortunately we have a vast sea in between us.

Some time ago I searched a silly question online and saw an article at the bottom of the page titled "Night Owl Writers in Danger of Early Death". I laughed out loud instantly. Scientifically true? Maybe. But NEVER EVER try to use those data and studies and research bullshit to confine anything about writers. The fact is, my heart has long fallen dead — my frantically idealistic soul has long withered in this insanely realistic world and been reincarnated in words, and my blood's been draining on paper, non-stop — so why do I need to fear an "early death"?

Being wide awake at 1 a.m. is undoubtedly my best state of a day. When most lights in my hostel are out and I alone sit in the empty study room with my beloved laptop staring right back at me in silence and scalding loyalty, inspirations I've long desired will always naturally surface in mind, then cascade down through my fingers a bit too fast to fully catch. They are like the light of my life, and I enshrine them with my blood. 

This overstretched excitement usually only brings me doom and gloom during daytime, when I handle school lessons with lethargy, mind wandering amidst the clouds. Getting easily distracted is developing into an incurable disease — sometimes it's from thinking over a lecture question to a new ending of the story I wrote the night before; other times my mind just leisurely strays away out of extreme boredom to a blank canvas and patiently waits there to be fed with stuff "slightly" more entertaining than textbooks, papers and necessary social chitchats. I still remember last October when every day for the whole month I picked one or two lessons from my timetable to write poems or songs. A very fruitful month indeed — it's just that somehow October always appears poetic and I simply can't resist the lethal temptation from words. Luckily this year poetry reluctantly moved to May and its echoes were delayed to Dec so that I managed to focus on the preparation for a national exam in Oct. 

Oh god already 400+ words and I have no freaking idea what I've been writing about.

Guess it's because 1 a.m. essentially works much better than a prim little afternoon.

Never mind. I feel a bit depressed now. 

Oh yes, as a writer I don't believe in tears, but I believe I'm depressed, and I believe that everyone else who doesn't believe so is either simply too ignorant of high-functioning depression or too busy to become a writer. Additionally, a PDD patient with an INTJ personality supplementing is the worst — analysing the surroundings all the time aggravates my depression, in turn making me wanna observe and analyse the surroundings instead of chatting with people even more. And despite all the internal screams, I have to struggle to maintain my hollow image as "an aspirant high-achiever in many areas" which is also credited to this crap as INTJs are one of the rarest personality types and one of the most capable.

Guess “my health is being irretrievably nibbled away" would be a great summary for all above. 

Actually, aside from depression, I also suffer the "burning-tongue syndrome"(thanks to all the unspoken but written words), "restless-leg syndrome"(owing to my travel plans to a long list of fictional places), and "essential tremor"(perhaps due to the excessive use of my laptop and pens) as described in Sharon Bryan's beautiful poem Essential

this is what doctors say

when they don't know,
as if it were in my nature


But I guess it is, sadly, in my nature, as a writer, indeed.

And I believe it's the same for all of you here who may or may not read this piece. 


[END]


(ignoring all the negativity above, I wish everyone a happy and sweet year ahead!!! :))


















 
* The title of this piece(a tragedy) is kinda inspired by Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears(which is a comedy lol). 
* Should a belated "Merry Christmas" appear here? 
* Please check out R.j.Elsewhere’s piece here. It is absolutely stunning :)

 

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7 Comments
  • Starlitskies

    This piece is sooo beautiful!! Excellent choice of words; it feels so raw and candid.
    "Unfortunately I was born a night owl writer, but fortunately we have a vast sea in between us." The juxtaposition here is so clever and works wonderfully! And the contrast between your "idealistic soul" and the "realistic world" is wonderful too.
    "then cascade down through my fingers a bit too fast to fully catch." I relate with this so much. Sometimes my ideas flow so fast, I can't type it in fast enough. And sometimes when that happens I lose some of the best bits. :(
    I relate so much with the INTJ dissection too! You told it like it is. I feel that most people idolise the INTJ personality but only the people who are INTJ, know that it is more of a burden than a treasure. (haha! especially when you're an over-thinker like me. :D )
    Gah! My comment is so gloomy. Sorry about that. On a happy note, awesome piece. Keep writing more of this gold! Merry christmas (this is so late. haha) and Happy new year! <3


    9 months ago
  • tas (yellowbrickrd)

    re: thank you so much for the sweetest comment :)
    this makes me want to read more of your work too! cleverly written and sad although it manages to keep a sort of light, humorous tone throughout. Hope you're doing okay.


    9 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Wow! You're a very talented writer!


    9 months ago
  • thea_ivy

    I am the complete opposite actually, i will wake up at five am to write about a dream i just had. Mad respect to you for being able to function that late. I can totally relate to getting distracted though, love this piece! <3


    9 months ago
  • Emi

    Wow, I relate to being a night owl. I mean, I know it's not healthy to stay up till one in the morning, but I figure if I sleep in till nine that still gives me 8 hours. It's because I write best at night, you know? Anyway, I love this piece; I really connected with it!


    9 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Tysm! (btw your pfp says you are an author, has one of your books actually been published?)


    9 months ago
  • happygiggles

    You have real raw talent, your words are so moving and powerful, I am blown away. The variety of vocab has my jaw on the floor, I am truly amazed.

    On another note, I sincerely hope that you are okay, both mentally and physically. Life can be hard, and 2020 certainly hasn't made it any easier. Life is tough, but you're tougher, you've got this! Feel free to reach out to me if you ever need somebody to talk, I know that you don't want to hear this, but keeping everything bottled up inside and not speaking about it, only makes things worse. I wish you the best for 2021, fingers crossed it's a better year! <3


    9 months ago