infp-a | 4w5

Message from Writer

"i am made of memories."
-madeline miller, the song of achilles

“for victory is victory, however small, nor is its worth only from what follows from it.”
-j.r.r. tolkien, the children of húrin

"he was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe.
which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one.”
-terry pratchett, mort

so this is what happens when your mind is full of Nothing and Everything all at once

December 24, 2020


    it's salt and storm and laundry detergent that fills my nostrils, cold and snow and silk pillowcases surrounding my head and now it's my mother checking in and asking what i'm doing at an hour and six minutes past midnight and what can i tell her except i have ideas that cannot escape my mind, they need to get out and i need to let them out before they take over and i'm no longer myself anymore. it's the sound of bathwater running and my father's snoring, the racket raised by my hedgehog as he runs on his red plastic wheel and my cat just groaned in his sleep. you'd expect the house to be silent at an hour and nine minutes past midnight but it's not, not really. the atmosphere is still cool from when i had it open a moment ago to let in the sulfur-scented air but then had to close it because the cross-breeze made my door bang against the frame and who can sleep through that? i turn my sound back up on my computer and it's one that i don't recognize, it's not the one that i had playing before that made me want to film music videos in the shower or the one i played before that that made colors dance in front of my eyeballs. i keep smelling my dry, cracked hands and they smell of the peppermint soap i used before bed. the same soap that my friend's mother uses. it's strange how i don't ever think of describing the things i see tonight, because my mind has been playing back all the images i remember from sleepless nights in my younger years instead. there's the times i would play with my polly pocket dolls, the fruit of the spirit song blasting from my little cd player. i wasn't supposed to be awake but for some reason i was getting away with it despite the racket i was making. i had a little plastic turtle that projected the night sky onto my ceiling. i remember jumping over it when my friend stayed over because of her dad's surgery that one night. i reload wtw again, as if i'll get any notifications at an hour and seventeen minutes past midnight without any recent posts. just moments ago, my mind was filled with Everything under the moon and Everything under the sun was in my mind. then i had it all down and hit "delete" but it might be just as well because now my mind is slowly emptying. i view my mind as a lake; nay, an ocean that has a layer of mist hanging over it. the mist has many different colors and it's oh so pretty and somedays it's bright orange and purple and teal and green but then other days it's just different shades of gray, which is honestly still beautiful in its own way even if it makes Everything appear in black-and-white. the sound of my father's snoring is now joined by the sound of my mother's snoring, and it's on the brink of making me scream and cover my ears but at least there's the sound of my hedgehog eating because that balances it out somewhat. i remember that i have to go skiing tomorrow, me alone with my maybe-crush-friend-enemy but there's no sleep happening at an hour and twenty-three minutes past midnight when there's a boat on the ocean of my mind that wants to stop at every destination it can, though are there destinations in an expansive sea of Nothing? i remember when i first watched sherlock and i thought it would be cool to have my own mind palace. i tried to do it once, but then realized that my mind isn't a palace, it's a haven and a prison at the same time. but a palace has a banquet hall and a dungeon, so maybe it isn't too far off after all. my mind is a sea, anyway. i switch my writing over to google docs because it’s less likely that i’ll lose my progress on here than on wtw, as proven earlier with my sloppy attempts at emptying the mind. the cat is now snoring as well, and goodness why can’t everyone in this house sleep quietly for once in their lives? i open my notes app and stroll through the half-formed ideas that were floating around in my head this summer, and i find everything from spit your heart into the sink to she smelled like a dillard’s bathrobe to guilt and anger and shame aren’t all that different, are they? they eat you up inside until you lose control and have nowhere else to go. the rest of my notes are less entertaining, from a message i once wrote to stacey harkey but never sent to my religion study notes to my old pottermore password, back when i liked harry potter. google docs thinks they’re being helpful by adding the little blue squiggly lines after every time i don’t capitalize my words, but they’re just ruining the aesthetic™ that is lowercase writing. my eyes are dry and heavy and my back is cramping up but i don’t want to stop, not now not ever not in a thousand years. maybe i’ll come back someday, another sleepless night that feels off for no reason at all or when the fog above the sea swirls with vibrant colors too bright to ignore. maybe it’ll even be at an hour and thirty-six minutes past midnight. when my mind is filled with Nothing and Everything all at once.
absolute word vomit. there's no way i can defend this one.


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  • December 24, 2020 - 6:37pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Dmoral

    so many things to say at once...gahhhh


    2. thank you for your beautiful comment on my piece and your support, it truly means everything to me.

    3. you're unexpected following of me? caught me off guard and idk why but seeing you follow me made me smile. so thank you for your support (again)


    5 months ago
  • A Breath Into Silence

    word vomit or not, it's still beautiful <3

    5 months ago
  • mirkat

    re: thank you! and yeah-- no pressure to reply to that comment any time soon! whenever you feel like it. and happy holidays!

    5 months ago
  • lochnessie

    this is like.. the most divinely beautiful word vomit i've ever seen

    5 months ago
  • mirkat

    warning terribly long comment ahead:
    "i tried to do it once, but then realized that my mind isn't a palace, it's a haven and a prison at the same time."
    it was so hard to choose a single line as everything about this piece called to me, but i guess this is it. it jumped off the page because it's true. alright, i love rambling, word vomit pieces. you really get a good look at the person and their personality and its a snapshot of this moment in time and if its written well-- which this defiantly is-- then you are there, really there not even imagining it because reloading and insomnia and suffocating silence but overwhelming noise are all so real so real that it doesn't matter that you aren't experiencing any of it right now because you know last night or last year or next week you are going to feel and experience at least one of those things. this piece is everything and nothing (hahaha)-- bittersweet, melancholy, depressing, beautiful, broken, relatable, authentic but also nothing because it;s so weird we find meaning and solace and despair in these moments.... okay now i don't even know what i'm saying. well insomnia sucks! i remember all of 5th grade and the first part of 7th grade were terrible times full os sleeplessness and anxiety and now maybe i have a slight form or depression where i don't feel like doing anything? i don't know. this piece made me think about everything, though. this-- this is me. this is you. other people, too. and i love that and hate it at the same time. nice to know nobody is alone tho.... i love this beyond belief but i feel sad when i read this (2 times already, going back for a 3rd after i finish this mindblowing long comment) because this is my life. i know it's nothing to be ashamed about but sometimes, no most of the time, i can't make sense of my feelings..... you know i'm going to write a piece inspired by your last one on the noise and the silence..... welp. thank you i love this. and the part about google docs and spell check just made me crack up a little even tho it wasn't funny...... gosh i get that. grammarly is worse thooooo blah. well then.
    re: now for the replying! which will also be embarrassingly long! okay! thank you. your comment is so genuine and sweet and made me smile non stop for the rest of the day. also: "you're a goddess." that's what you said. XD but you actually are! cause athena! okay sorry that was like a dad joke sort of i have a broken sense of humor. and yeah i'm alright. have high highs and low lows and being an introvert awkward non social writer person in a pandemic where i muse about deep things and none of my (few) friends get it is hard sometimes but i've started to find myself, too, and now i kinda know not just what i want but why if that makes sense? yeah...... and your re to my comment on wisp's piece made meeeee stare at the wallll in shocckkkk toooo!!!!!!! okay to be fair it was out my window but same thing. and i look up to you too and thank you beyond belief for that comment because it made my day and now it's making this one. sometimes it takes so much effort to be happy recently and every little thing no matter how small makes me so elated and jubilant and i'm going to look back on that comment and some other sweet ones people have left me whenever i need that extra boost to my morale. thank thank thank you you you so so so much much much it is everything to me..... wow this is beyond long so i will stop my rambling but you are an amazing person and i will try out writing something inspired by your last one soon.....

    5 months ago
  • rwong

    erm if this is word vomit, i can only imagine what your not-word-vomit is like, but then again, i've read your other work before and it is AMAZING. this is beautiful and so real, and impossibly relatable and your descriptions! i mean like i'm literally right there in the room and in your shoes/situation (and as Wisp said, that sounded really creepy. oh dear i just reread that and yea that's reallllyyyyy freaky.) honestly you have no idea how much i look up to your writing and your poetry, because it blows me away every time. including this <3 <3 have a lovely day!!

    5 months ago
  • Wisp

    "just moments ago, my mind was filled with Everything under the moon and Everything under the sun was in my mind."
    Sweetie, dearie, hon!!! If this is word vomit, I'd mop it up and squeeze your words in a bucket and treat them like jewels, because this piece is so so so lovely. I absolutely adore your narrative here, along with the time pressures added and that hint of what's happening in your life at this moment of time. You crafted brilliance here and I do not care if it's word vomit, because gosh does it move me each and every time. And there's this transparency here, this transparency of the soul embedded through the spaces and letters of each word, and it's as if I can feel your being and thoughts and emotions seeping through, as if I can see and envision how and what you are doing (oh my gosh that sounds creepy, I'm sorry I'm sorry) I absolutely adore every bit of this, from the emotions and rawness here to this simple ease that comes with the time pressures. Your writing is deviously delectable and I will love whatever you write, whether word vomit or your notes app, because dear, this is divinity at its finest.

    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Why do I relate to this so much?! I am with Nikki!!!!! WOWOWOWOW!
    I don’t know how to put words to some of my feelings. This...... this is just fantastic writing. Wow. Thank you so much for notifying me!
    Re: thank you so much!!! :)

    5 months ago
  • Nikki

    I have officially been BLOWN away. i mean, wow. just... wow. this feels like a vortex slowly sucking me inside. like I'm reading all your thoughts. i LOVE it!! the idea is one of the smartest i have ever seen. i seriously feel like i'm sitting next to you, watching you think. :)

    5 months ago
  • barelybear

    But it’s a pretty irresistible word vomit :)
    I love your tone and all your descriptions are amazing

    5 months ago