crystalline•galaxies

Switzerland

tuffy
she/they
infp-a | 4w5

Message to Readers

*possible tw for mentions of death and descriptions of blood*

also 100 followers??? you guys are the best, i swear.

and it’s, like, i can’t see past the blood on my own hands (tw in message)

January 24, 2021

FREE WRITING

19
you come to me,
presenting your poor broken heart in a box with shaking arms.
i accept it and put it in the corner of my bedroom.
you tell me to take care of it.
make it better again.


two days.
the box still sits where it was placed,
gathering dust where i have failed to touch it.
i've been busy, i tell you.
i'll get to it soon.

i saw you yesterday.
you were pale,
your eyes brimming with sweat
and your face stained with tears.
you asked me, how much longer?
tomorrow, 
i promise.

we haven't spoken in weeks,
and perhaps it's for the better.
i avoid you on the street,
pulling up my hood to cover my face.
i don't want to tell you that the box still sits unopened in my bedroom.

a letter.
you tell me that i need my heart back soon.
i don't know how much longer i can live.
please, fix it like you promised.

i crumple it into a ball and throw it across the disheveled room.
there's so much more i have to do, anyway.

months later, i finally try to approach it.
i open the box and flinch in preparation for what i might see.
when i manage to look inside,
all i see is pitch-black,
my red hands practically glowing against the darkness.
i close it again and kick it away in disgust,
clutching my hands to my chest.
why had nobody told me how bloody they had gotten?

the next day, i work up the courage to examine the damage.
on the floor in my grimy bathroom,
i set my hands down in front of me.
my knuckles are red and raw, the skin cracking where it stretches over the bone.
the cuticles are flaky and torn and sting to the touch.
the palms of my hands are bruised purple,
small lines of blood tracing the map of creases.
i scream louder than i've ever screamed before.

a year later, i go to your funeral.
your death is described as unexpected.
sudden.
terrible.

i nod in agreement when your grandmother tells me
i'm so glad you were always their friend.
i choose not to look at your body before you are lowered into the grave;
instead, i sit in the corner, nursing the throbbing pain in my leather-clad hands.
all i can think is how gave me something unfixable,
how you shoved that box into my arms and told me to get on with it,
how you cursed me to wear gloves for as long as i live.
you don't deserve my goodbyes.

when i get home,
the first thing i do is throw out the box.
i don't even care to look inside it again;
i just mark it with a bloody handprint and throw it into the dumpster. 
perhaps i should feel some kind of sadness or pity for you.
but why?
my hands are an easy reminder of the pain you caused me.
i burn the dumpster.

what do you turn to after something like that?
drugs, drinks, sex... all of it does nothing.
trust me, i've tried.
religions come into my life and then leave.
it's methodical, really.
something of a routine.
i pretend that i'm not using it to distract myself from guilt.

it's been sixty years.
sixty years of misery, torment, and agony.
i should forgive you now, shouldn't i?
it's unsightly for an old woman to hang onto bitterness for as long as this.
i think about forgiving you,
letting loose the soreness in my chest and flying free.
every day, i consider it.

but then i feel my hands.
no, i deserve to suffer.

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18 Comments
  • Sophiascb

    wow. this is absolutely gorgeous and sad. I like how at the end we found that it was an old woman looking back. And the view on the situation also changed throughout the years. I'm getting modern, less-psycho telltale heart vibes. Well done. Will definitely come back and read this again and again.


    about 1 month ago
  • serein

    Longer poems usually me, so I don't read them as much. But this was totally different. The imagery, the descriptions...they left me breathless. I love love love this I could read it twenty times over. Definitely one my favorite pieces I've seen on WtW. It was beautiful!! The poem was easy to follow, and it was beautiful in its simplicity. The message was gorgeous....the whole metaphor you used to describe toxic friendships...I can't even. I love this!!


    about 2 months ago
  • Wisp

    Replying: Yes yes yes, you can make a home and live there forever ;))) I'd proclaim you as mayor of course, and I'll be the figurehead. And we'd live in and out of warm sticky words basking in orange afterglows of setting suns.
    All jokes aside, my goodness are your comments poetic! You're literally the sweetest and you are just so eloquent with your words. Hope your day is well!


    3 months ago
  • Wisp

    You know, this feels like a metaphorical poetic way of describing a toxic relationship; like the victim stays with the person because they claim it's love when it's really doing more harm than good. I'm not sure if your intent was that, but whether it was or not I find this simply captivating to behold. This metaphorical sense of someone being capable of holding hearts so easily and being able to destroy them just as so is just simply profound. It's like it gives this sense of when we open our hearts to others, we should choose wisely for if we don't we might get hurt way more than we intended. I suppose that's why people say you should always keep your guard up, for if you're not careful you could find yourself swallowed whole with a moment's concern. Anyways, the imagery here of permanently red hands is just breathtaking. It's such a beautiful metaphor with such meaning and I am in awe of it. You blend this story together so very very well and everything just flows together so perfectly. You flesh out your characters and give them life in such a glorious manner. Definitely a thought-provoking piece.


    3 months ago
  • ~wildflower~

    Oh gosh, this is just breathtaking. Ahhhh, the extended metaphor and the storyline are just perfect! Your words and sentence structure were relatively simple, and there wasn’t a huge degree of tension, yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away until I’d read the last word - and still an intense contemplation grips me. This piece is incredibly thought provoking. And I adore the unique format! It has the format of a poem and the words of a story, and it’s a work of art. Your storytelling skills are just amazing, and honestly, it seems to me - judging by this piece - like you’re one of the best storytellers I’ve even encountered. I’m so annoyed that I haven’t read much of your writing before! I’m so excited to read more!


    3 months ago
  • BirdofPrey

    re: lol thank you! it was super fun to write about


    3 months ago
  • mirkat

    re: that's alright, nobody could ever read all the great pieces that people write on here. yeah, i guess you're right that faith is something you just know for sure and can belive in... it's kinda unreal to me that anyone could believe so much in what seems like a nontangible person with powers or whatnot. like i'm not disputing that jesus or god or allah or other deities aren't real to others-- just not to me. and yeah, it's so crazy that what we think of and experience and feel in our own private lives can be written down and that people across the world want to read our pieces. it's almost like we have superpowers sort of. that sounds juvenile, but i like that idea.
    <3<3<3


    4 months ago
  • Blue Jay

    re: I'm doing pretty well. I am kind of coming to the end of my questioning journey I suppose, but I mean a few months ago I was not doing so well.


    4 months ago
  • mirkat

    woah. this is so emotional and intense and beautiful and the metaphor is priceless because i've been in that situation more than once. i read this gritting my teeth for some reason and i love this so much...
    "all i can think is how gave me something unfixable,
    how you shoved that box into my arms and told me to get on with it,
    how you cursed me to wear gloves for as long as i live.
    you don't deserve my goodbyes."
    this just called out to me and i think it's my favorite part except for the title. the imagery is really strong, too, and you did a marvelous job.

    re: "like, i would love to believe that everything happens for a reason and that there's someone more powerful than us who's kind of looking after the world, but how plausible is it really? " exactly! that's how i feel too. i mean it really does depend on you and your beliefs and the way you live which sucks because at some point you just want someone to walk up to you and tell you how to be and how to do and how to believe. but then of course there are major downsides to that so i guess it just takes time which is the most cliche thing ever but it's true. alsoooooo 101 followers yay tufffyyyyy athenaaa! i think your work has really touched each and every one of us in different ways-- you are a gift to this community. thank you!
    <3<3<3


    4 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    TUFFY OMG 100 FOLLOWERS LOVE YOU DESERVE THEM ALL!!! i'm so excited and happy and proud and... yayyyyy!! :) cheers!!! here's to many many many many many more :) love you so so so much!! <3 *clinks plastic cup of apple juice*


    4 months ago
  • rwong

    HI TUFFY OK I JUST REREAD THIS CAUSE ITS SO GOOD BUT!! CONGRATS ON 100 YOU DEFINITELY DESERVED THEM ALL -- I MEAN IF ANYTHING THIS PIECE AND ALL YOUR OTHER ONES ARE PROOF OF IT!!! anyway yea i just wanted to say congrats heh sorry bout the all caps too <3 <3


    4 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    Oh wow this is stunning and gave me chills!!! The idea, the voice... wow. :))


    4 months ago
  • aiyanna

    This is absolutely incredible. You captured the essence of the hardship of having someone broken depend on you. It's not all pretty, simply being kind, it's difficult and the imagery completely caught that. Immaculate!


    4 months ago
  • Blue Jay

    Oh my, this tells such a harrowing story. I stopped breathing for a second at the end. Phenomenal job!

    re: Questioning religion is very hard. Good luck to you in your search for answers. It is very hard to question religion especially, because of how personal it is and how tied it is with your family and life. Where do you go is the question, what do we do with our newfound confusion? Good luck again with your journey as well. Whatever path you take, make sure that it makes you happy. :)


    4 months ago
  • rwong

    dang this is amazing tuffy i love the story it tells even though its kinda dark but the whole idea of having someone else's heart is like ahhhhhhhhh
    so yea heh i love it much :) <3 <3
    hru?


    4 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: well, I’m glad you’re not bad! And okay, thank you, but I’m good with you continuing to notify me! Thank you so much! Hope you have an awesome day/night!


    4 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Thank you for notifying me. How are you doing these days? Glad it’s the weekend?


    4 months ago
  • mariewrigh

    Oh my gosh this is so good


    4 months ago