crystalline•galaxies

Switzerland

tuffy
she/they
infp-a | 4w5

Message to Readers

reminder: it's okay to break down sometimes. you are normal. you are loved. your reactions are natural, and you are worthy of feeling them. i'm saying this to myself as well as anyone who needs it. beating yourself up for things you have no control over is not worth it, and in the end, aren't we all just human?

sensoryoverload

December 21, 2020

FREE WRITING

21

i feel my hands pull the hood over my head // stop, i swear, please make it stop // the world's caving in around me and it's hard to breathe // the urge to scream and scream and scream is welling inside my chest // but i've gotta keep it together // keep it together // my mind is going and going and it won't stop // deep breath, deep breath, deep breath // it's ok // i'm okay // i'm alive // i'm okay // i'm okay // i'm okay // i'm okay // it's ending soon it's okay // need distraction // drum violin finger-patterns on your leg / why? / just do it / doesn't work / remember your name // now repeat it again and again and again // name name namename uh.... athena athena athena middle name is athena athenathenathena // multiplication // 1x1=1 2x2=4 // distract // distract // distract // distract // can't be real if you pretend it isn't, right?? // right?? // cover your ears now // it'll look rude // do it // no // you'll explode // can't can't can't can't looks rude can't can't can't // DO IT // fine // escape escape escape // imagine // deep breath // athena // 4x4=16 / hands are shaking / can't stop them / physical outlet / scream / punch / no / unacceptable / stop / please stop / rude / rude / awful / can't help it / awful / they're talking / to me? / "this behavior is unacceptable" / i know, i'm trying / "control your reactions" / please shut up / "stop yelling at me" / then stop / what do you even want them to stop doing? / just stop / this is irrational / not you, too / distract / DISTRACT / DISTRACTDISTRACT / NAMENAMENAME / WHAT'SYOUR NAME / CAN'T REMEMBER / REMEMBER / 6X6=444839248483 / NOIT'SNOT / DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE / ENDENDENDEND I SWEAR / MINDISAPRISON / STOP/END/DISTRACT/IMAGINE/ATHENA/7X6/ SAVEME/DEEPBREATHS/SHUTUP/ HELP/HELP/ STUCK/EXPLODE/TRAPPED

silence.

breath forces itself into my lungs; it's pure ecstasy.
the silence is sweet against my ears, and i drink it in, gulping it down as if it'll save my life.
it's truly okay. i'm truly safe. i'm okay. i'm okay. i'm okay. and i believe it this time.
tears still streak my face, yells still rest on my tongue (though they're chased away by exhaustion now),
but that's all that remains.
my hands have found my knees on their own accord,
and i squeeze in, like i'm giving myself a hug.
it's okay.
it's okay.

 
reminder: it's okay to break down sometimes. you are normal. you are loved. your reactions are natural, and you are worthy of feeling them. i'm saying this to myself as well as anyone who needs it. beating yourself up for things you have no control over is not worth it, and in the end, aren't we all just human? 

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  • December 21, 2020 - 11:35pm (Now Viewing)

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12 Comments
  • Wisp

    Replying: Thank you so much dear, I cannot tell you how much it means, I just, I really can't. You're so sweet and you make me feel like perhaps it'll be alright. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, how much your support and love mean the world to me and so so much more. I love you too and once again thank you. I'll probably be gone for a bit, but I'll definitely chat on Hangouts! Love you so so much Athena!


    4 months ago
  • Wisp

    Athena, I'd love to be a philosopher with you, but I just can't bring myself to right now dear. And you offered to listen, so would it be okay if I vent dear?
    I don't know what to say honestly and I cannot even begin to express it. I've experienced grief twice, and I think it's almost time for the third one to come. He's not alright, he's not getting better and I wish he were, I wish I wish I wish. And it's heartbreaking to watch my mother hold back tears and listen to her trembling voice. I just don't know what to do, because it's crashing down and now I just don't know anymore. And and and--I can't describe this feeling of a heart broken into pieces and the weight of tears behind eyelids and this ache for something that's almost gone but not quite. And Athena I'm so sorry for burdening you with this, but I just needed to say it because I just found out and I feel hopeless. So thank you for listening and I just--


    4 months ago
  • Wisp

    Replying: Haha, maybe that's how I should start out all my comments to you, and I guess that tradition begins now :) so sweetie, dearie, hon, your words--I am utterly speechless.
    I read your comment and the whole time I was smiling like a maniac, grinning beyond control, and the best part is, I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything else in the world.
    And you're absolutely right. We'll be some place some day some where in the future, we'll have graduated from this chapter of our life and moved onto the next, we'll have closed this part of our journey; and it's bound to happen, but one day we'll come across a familiar name, a familiar stroke, a glimmer of the past and be taken back to that moment that was locked between screens. And we will remember that innocent youthful appeal we had to everything, that moment where we made these new friendships with teenage like ourselves, embracing who we were and belonging to a community that we never thought we would. We will find ourselves sent back to that moment in time, smiling at the memory of it burning on our tongue. And no matter what happens, we'll always have the here and now, we'll always have this. And you're right, we're not just strangers here. We're family, we're this group of brothers and sisters and siblings who have built this family amongst ourselves, and that is so powerful. I will admit that I have never had anything like this occur in my life, but gosh now that it has, I cannot find identify myself without identifying WtW as a part of me. We are here creating, doing what we love, expressing ourselves, and that is so powerful.
    And dear, you granted me the grandest smile with your comment that I brought all those people there. Because I didn't, not really, we all were there at that moment for a reason that we cannot name; call it the call of your heart if you will, but it's this bond that links us all together as writers and creators and brethren.

    And thank you for your kind words on the piece as well. You've definitely given me the most insane smile and gosh am I glad that my family isn't seeing me otherwise they'd think I was insane or something. Thank you dearie.


    5 months ago
  • elliem

    Tuffy, this piece is literally a perfect representation of sensory overload. The confusion and panic escalating throughout the piece is so raw and real, it actually made my throat tighten. Then when the calm returned towards the end, I felt so much relief. It proves how effective and skilled a writer you are. :) I just realized I’m not following you yet, even though we’re like? Good buddies? Apologies for that, dear. I hope you’re having a wonderful night, and remember you can always talk to me. <3


    5 months ago
  • mirkat

    "they're talking / to me? / "this behavior is unacceptable" / i know, i'm trying /" i'm trying, i'm trying. distract, distract. this brought me back to all the times almost identical to the one outlined in this beautiful, intense, marvel of a piece. they just keep talking and you're losing it and you want to run or cover your ears but like you described it will look rude but damn, do you need the silence. okay. that was me just identifying and summarizing what you already said in a much more eloquent manner than me. well.... i feel you. basically i want to say exactly what wisp said, that this is raw and intense and shook me to the bone and that it's an honor to read this and that we are all human. wonderful, stunning, brilliant piece that i'm going to have to read all over again. thank you, athena (amazing name, btw).
    <3<3<3


    5 months ago
  • Wisp

    Ahh Athena, sweetie, dearie, hon. The rawness in this piece is so immense and that just makes my heart ache. I cannot express how much pain I feel from this, the way it radiates off of this piece in shimmers, giving this vulnerability, showing this pain so deep and true. I am in awe of how beautiful this is, because that's what this is. It's beauty in its most raw and true form. And you portray that so magnificently. You sketch this moment in time, this feeling of so much happening at once, so much crashing down all at once, everything just exploding. And the way you form it from this feeling of too much and turn that into a positive light, it just--it just--hits so hard. And the way you write this, it makes me feel like it will all be alright. It makes me feel safe and as if someone has hugged me, and I guess that's what I need right now. And your footnote/message to readers, gosh Athena, you have me tearing up. Thank you so much for that reminder, and thank you for this piece. I needed it and I am so honored to have read it.


    5 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Wow... I really felt this. I got chills reading it.


    5 months ago
  • rwong

    woahhhhh this is such a rollercoaster and honestly i love how you dont sugarcoat any of these feelings, because we all hafta go through them and they suck. i love how the panic escalates throughout the piece so vvv well written <3 <3


    5 months ago
  • doodleninja

    how you've managed to capture sheer panic and emotion in words is astounding! wonderful, wonderful writing and message :)
    (i keep forgetting we have the same middle name, i love that XD)


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Woah...... this is indescribable. You keep leaving me speechless. This is so unique and powerful. The first part as I was reading I could literally feel it getting louder and more and more panicky, and then that transition was awesome and I just felt calmer. Astounding. Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and for letting me know about this! I hope you have a great day!
    And ps. Those footnotes are also great


    5 months ago
  • ANSON REYNOLDS

    yeah its ok to break down. I have to remind myself o that all the time.
    "6X6=444839248483 / NOIT'SNOT / DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE" was so relatable, and you phrased my insides perfectly.


    5 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    wow... this is... wow. it's a lot. but i really like it--well, not LIKE it, but appreciate it? i mean... idk you know what i mean. this is so raw and real and painfully true... yeah. hope you're doing well, love! <333 always here for you :) and thank you for that reminder, i needed it <33


    5 months ago