Peer Review by Minvra (United States)

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Thoughts from within the cocoon

By: ~wildflower~


FREE WRITING

Every so often, I encounter myself
in the most peculiar places:
within crowds of people wearing grey suits
or cocooned between thin blankets
patterned with smatterings of holes 
like little stars eaten into existence by moths.
And I think about how easily 
complex souls can be dulled to clouds of productivity,
just a pair of steel limbs within an ocean of glaring silver;
all claps on the back for following orders
and savoured congratulations for nothing at all.
And then I think about the legacy of the moths-
moths who spent their lives buzzing futilely around flickering lights and
carelessly flying through the night sky, 
all graceful movements, freedom 
flecked through a subtle wind and gathered within camouflaged wings 
that moved only to search for the light;
indistinguishable, fragile moths who 
lived in the same place as me
and lived for less time than I have spent sitting behind a desk
and, possibly, lived more than 
I ever have.
And I ponder how the moths were thanked only by their longing hearts 
for their lifelong, solitary odyssey
and I wonder if that could ever be enough for me,
even as I know that mere existence is not.

Originally published: 17/12/2020
Draft: 1

Message to Readers

I’m looking for some feedback on this one as I’m thinking of doing some further edits - anything at all would be helpful! Is the ending ok?


Peer Review

I like the smooth transition between the people to the metaphor about moths. You describe them as grey dull, indistinguishable. Moths that don't have a long life expectancy and often die in lightbulbs with...well life I guess.


Do these moths apply to all of these dreamers(or just people who impacted people's lives)? Even Martin Luther King Jr., Lincoln, Ghandi, or Mr. Rogers, Albert Einstein, Newton? Or is it the masses to people trying to achieve a difference in volumes like them? Or them all as a whole? There are some colorful butterflies who manage to remembered for a long time (for human life) but er, assassinated or just died. Are these grey suits the "pair of steel limbs"? How else could you describe them? As in like, "following the norm" or something? The "successful" ones? How could you describe them in contrast to the moths? What if you added a powerful quote (it can be a current line or a new) at the beginning. Something that gets your meaning across or peaks readers' interest to understand your point? Perhaps it can also be a point to base your other parts of the poem.


Reviewer Comments

Perhaps their impacts cause a rippling affect overtime by inspiring someone else who makes it farther. I highly doubt they directly focus/actively intend to impact society, but rather their crafts and current enjoyment to it and their life which indirectly affects society and builds up. Even if it's not known publicly I'm sure they affected the people around them. I would say it's like floating now your back. Try to focus on every limb's weight and you sink. But it is just as important to listen to your voice on paper or not.

Either way, I think this piece has potential, but could use more punches.