Peer Review by journal.scribbles (United States)

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Thoughts from within the cocoon

By: ~wildflower~


FREE WRITING

Every so often, I encounter myself
in the most peculiar places:
within crowds of people wearing grey suits
or cocooned between thin blankets
patterned with smatterings of holes 
like little stars eaten into existence by moths.
And I think about how easily 
complex souls can be dulled to clouds of productivity,
just a pair of steel limbs within an ocean of glaring silver;
all claps on the back for following orders
and savoured congratulations for nothing at all.
And then I think about the legacy of the moths-
moths who spent their lives buzzing futilely around flickering lights and
carelessly flying through the night sky, 
all graceful movements, freedom 
flecked through a subtle wind and gathered within camouflaged wings 
that moved only to search for the light;
indistinguishable, fragile moths who 
lived in the same place as me
and lived for less time than I have spent sitting behind a desk
and, possibly, lived more than 
I ever have.
And I ponder how the moths were thanked only by their longing hearts 
for their lifelong, solitary odyssey
and I wonder if that could ever be enough for me,
even as I know that mere existence is not.

Originally published: 17/12/2020
Draft: 1

Message to Readers

I’m looking for some feedback on this one as I’m thinking of doing some further edits - anything at all would be helpful! Is the ending ok?


Peer Review

I love the wonderful similes and metaphors that shape this poem and convey your message so clearly. And your word choice is amazing - this piece is just so satisfying to read. I had to reread it more than a few times to feel like I fully absorbed its amazingness.


I think the line "and savoured congratulations for nothing at all" could be expanded upon. How do the complex souls savour them? And why are their actions nothing at all?


Reviewer Comments

This poem is just. so. good. The imagery and diction and just everything is perfection. Feel free to ignore any of my suggestions; they're just suggestions. :) Amazing piece!!

Also this is completely unrelated but while reviewing this, I realized that the word business is like the word busy, but with ness. Like happiness. How did I not notice that before??? My mind is completely blown. XD