Peer Review by Minvra (United States)

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Revenge's night hunt

By: BlueWolf (Semi Hiatus)


FREE WRITING

Sweet dreams kiss goodbye cheeks soaked in sweat
Shaking soul and shivering flesh
Seared into your dazed mind my haunting silhouette
Bones of past victims still lie fresh

Hounds howl on a winter's eve marching with the soldiers glowing in the silver moon's light
You broke me while singing notes of nightingale songs
Fingers running through hair of silver thread white
Sounding hunt horns. My war gongs

Frost in the wind freezing as you breathe your last laboured breath
I will rip your soul into frayed pieces and feed you to the beasts of my night
My lullaby of revenge with accompaniment of birds of blood singing death
Tonight I tie pieces of you at the stake, death to you: my white knight

Beginning the furious ride over the dappling forest's undergrowth grinning with delight
You don't deserve a funeral

This was inspired by batman_is_a_cracker's piece. I really enjoyed writing this piece. I'm not sure how good it is. I hope the message comes through. Also, this has never happened to me. This piece was taken down by write the world. So... Yeah! :3

Peer Review

"I can imagine someone laying on the ground with blurred vision and helpless as the person is looking over them." This doesn't "move me," but it definitely set the settling very quickly. Or the image. It doesn't take long stanzas to establish a setting.


The current end itself is amazing and it's enough to just keep it there and let our imagination wander. Sometimes letting their imagination do it makes it better and more intense than saying. I can feel the bloodshed but nothing is more jarring than sudden contrast and sweetness. That way, not only do you make it heavier and more "personal" for the reader, but it also will make the revenge out any way you want. Contrasting it with another and depending on your tone will give you a medium of which sort of revenge this is other than free-flow bloodspree and hatred and adrenaline. We don't exactly understand the relationship between the two; only that it's enough for the narrator it kill and feed pieces to vultures. In all, you don't have one implement this.


Reviewer Comments

There is nothing I can tell you to get rid of, only add. Whether you extend this or not, save the vulture's feast to the imagination lol. But this sounds like tragedy.m