United States

est. 10/15/20

"take me with you, finished thing"
"too dizzying to love anywhere
but from a distance"

have an ineffable day!


Message to Readers

forgot to mention this in footnotes (mostly for enneagram type 2 people): please do not feel like you have to support me! i will totally be okay, just felt like venting a little bit. take care of yourself first, drink some water, go to the bathroom, take some time for yourself. don't invest a ton of time telling me i'm enough or not alone or whatever. i know that. sometimes i forget though, so this piece is for that. does that make sense? love you guys so much. <3<3<3

too much and never enough

December 5, 2020



i always make sure to look at it first. really look. examine it, twirl it in my hand. take in the curled stem, withered edges, golden flecks, crimson veins. i stare it, imagine its life before. i bet it was just another pawn in one of mother earth's many games, cast away from her before the first snow even came. before the trees became nothing but ghosts in the winter wasteland. 

i look at this beautiful pinnacle of creation. i feel the weak pulse of the ground, of the sky, travel up through the leaf and meet with my hand. i hear the lost whispers of the forgotten call from just behind the line of trees. i stop, glance around. i'm still alone. still. alone. 

i can't take it anymore-- i crumble the brittle leaf in my hand, let the wind carry the fragments away. away. away. and i'm still here. still. here. frantically, i glance around. all it took was one impulse, one motion. and now it's gone, pieces scattered here and there, near and far.

a girl stands alone in a barren field, the crisp, blinding white closing in around her. she whips her head left and right, behind her and in front. there is nothing but the tall outlines of phantom trees against the misty grey canvas above. she looks below her bootsoles, as if what she is looking for might appear beneath her. finally, she looks up into the sky. the vastness overtakes her and she feels a pang in her heart, in her soul. she feels the pain in beauty, the wistfullness in longing. and maybe she isn't entirely alone.

unedited. sometimes inspiration strikes you at the weirdest times and from the weirdest things... i was crumpling leaves today and that was the start of this. (also sidenote: doesn't snow where i live but totally wish it did!) and then i thought about this quote (down below) and it kinda guided my writing even more sort of kind of? also a walt whitman quote below that.

From "Anne’s House of Dreams":
"It's so beautiful that it hurts me," said Anne softly. "Perfect things like that always did hurt me--I remember I called it the queer ache' when I was a child. What is the reason that pain like this seems inseparable from perfection? Is it the pain of finality--when we realize that there can be nothing beyond but retrogression?"
"Perhaps," said Owen dreamily, "it is the prisoned infinite in us calling out to its kindred infinite as expressed in that visible perfection."

From "Song of Myself":
I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.

i am extremely lucky and haven't lost a lot in life (also i'm like super young so there's that). however, for some reason sad and longing and moody is my default these days. doesn't mean i'm not happy sometimes, just that when all is said and done i'm kinda down. i know i'm not alone. i have some people. i have my cat, my books, you guys. i am lucky. i am beyond thankful. i will be okay. please, please, please reach out if you feel the same or just wanna talk because i know what it feels like. and trust me, you are not alone. 

happy almost chanukah/christmas/kwanaza/winter holidays!



See History
  • December 5, 2020 - 10:50am (Now Viewing)

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  • Paisley Blue

    Gah literally everything about this is perfect. The writing, the footnotes, the quotes, the message box (haha you really had to call me out like that ;)) this just... wow. Also, I was listening to the song "in my dreams" from Anastasia as I read this, which just added to the whole experience. Ik you said not to, but I still want to tell you you're not alone—I get this feeling all. The. Time. Seriously, I relate to every single word in this!!! I love the imagery in the piece.
    Okay lol that was a long ramble-y comment, sorry! :)

    5 months ago
  • rwong

    re: oh that sucks :( wait why won't they let the 8th graders back, but let the younger ones? our school is like medium sized grades 6-12 we do in it cohorts like 1/3 of the school opted out, the other 2/3 rotate and do it every other week. oh we actually do the rotations cause i dont think all of our advisory teachers actually stay on campus all day...idk lol. our county is huge too i think for a while it was the highest in CA which was like uGhhhHhhHh. we just moved back into the purple tier (sigh) so idk if we'll actually go back for in person this coming week, it woulda been my last week but i understand keeping everyone safe and stuff. how's your weekend going? <3

    5 months ago
  • sci-Fi

    Re: Pretty good! I have a club thing today so that's fun. I'm gonna do a lot of reading once that's done and finish my reviews. How's urs?

    5 months ago
  • Stone of Jade

    Re: im glad you liked it...but i messed up. i linked the fifth part *face palm* not the sixth. so that wasn't the end oops lol

    5 months ago
  • sci-Fi

    imagery? *applause*
    talent? *cheers*
    emotion *wipes tear* *blows nose*

    5 months ago
  • Odysseus

    I love this imagery so much, it's absolutely amazing. Great writing!
    RE: I'm so glad you liked it! I'm very new here, so it's amazing to receive comments! (FROM ALL OF YOU, I LOVE YOU ALL, THANK YOU!) It was an honor to read your writing! I'll be watching for your next great piece! <3

    5 months ago
  • Stone of Jade

    the imagery in this is s t u n n i n g .
    you constantly amaze me with your talent <33

    It is Friday night (for me at least)--and I am posting early--the *sniff* final part of the heartbreak series. This is a bittersweet moment for me and I am so happy to share it with you <3
    here is the final link to the final part:

    5 months ago
  • rwong

    re: regarding online school frying your brain...me too!! do you know if you're gonna go back this year? hybrid? we actually went back and it's wayyy better even w/ masks and social distancing and stuff but still better than sitting in the room :)

    5 months ago
  • Mpm#1

    Very well done. Perfection does that sometimes... And tbh glad you got this off your chest a bit. Take care of yourself!

    5 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    i love what you expressed in this piece. and i love how you expressed it. and ahhh the quote from anne! that "queer ache" i have felt before. and i'm so glad for what you do and who you are for wtw, miriam.

    5 months ago
  • lochnessie

    bwahaha i'm type 2 also and literally you read my soul

    5 months ago
  • lochnessie

    woah woah woah you caught the talent train here

    5 months ago