Future Pseudonym

United States

She/Her, American Numbskull, White As Bread
Christian, but like the LGBTQ-stanning kind
Life Goals: Reviewer Extraordinare
Just a fair warning: you might wanna stand back.

Message to Readers

Uh, there is SOME sensitive material in this piece, but not too much that I'd ask you to overlook anything. If it sounds like it started as a comedy and slowly drifted into serious territory, that's because it did. Anyway, thanks for caring enough to be reading this message right now!

Human: Verb

December 2, 2020


Definition: exist in society without making a fool of oneself and understanding social and personal norms.

Example A
Future Pseudonym forgot to feed herself this morning. To compensate, she stole her sister's bowl of ramen and is now under fire for doing so. She's also procrastinating on homework by writing to her demographic of teenage book nerds on the internet, and will thus be up at unholy hours doing work she should have done ages ago. In the Year of Our Lord 2020, this behavior is considered 'quirky' and 'relatable'. Therefore, by exposing herself on what is essentially an elaborate form of teen-writer-exclusive social media, Future Pseudonym is humaning.

Example B
Future Pseudonym secretly thinks everyone believes her to be a stupid clutz who can't do a damn thing right. Obviously, this isn't true, and she knows this, but it doesn't stop the nagging feeling on the inside of her brain. She humans every day like her peers, but sometimes it's so bad that she'll say something in a group chat and not make contact with those people for weeks on end in fear that they suddenly can't stand her. Perhaps this is something Future Pseudonym should see a therapist about, but because it's 'relatable' and 'common' and '#lolsametho', she will not do so, as she is busy humaning for the world to see.

Example C
Future Pseudonym doesn't understand her own sexuality. Because, you know, she's heteronormative and everything, and certainly heteroromantic, but she thinks she's asexual, and when she told her mother that (after much pressuring by said mother), she was told that "she probably won't know for sure until she's older" and "some people find the right partners eventually." It's not that complicated of a question, sis, do you want the goods or are you good? But Future Pseudonym doesn't know the answer to this exceedingly simple question. It is unclear whether she's properly humaning in this scenario, since forcing oneself to be part of a minority is 'cool' and 'stanable', but she's still not oppressed enough to be '#redemptiongoals'; therefore, whether she's humaning correctly is up for debate.

Example D
Future Pseudonym has properly decided to screw it. She will now be eating properly and sleeping at the right hours, even if it means she'll be healthy and slightly behind in school, which is not on trend at this time. She has decided to look into the diagnosis of social anxiety, whether or not she actually has it, in case there's a way to ease her hunger to please the masses that doctors recommend. Being mentally sound is not on trend at this time. As well, she'll be talking to other people who identify as asexual, heteroromantic or not, in order to help herself decide whether or not she's just a straightlaced straight or genuinely ace. She will also continue to love and respect her mother, even though she doesn't understand her daughter's supposed sexuality and still believes that if a cis girl likes men, she's not part of the LGBTQ+ community. Respecting ones parents even when generational differences and diverging understandings of the world cause a moral divison between them is not on trend at this time.

Do not be like Future Pseudonym. In order to properly human, one must be 'quirky', 'relatable', and '#quarantineamirite'. Death comes for us all anyway.
Alt Title: exposing myself on the internet while also exposing the internet for pressuring people to be mentally and physically unhealthy because all the cool kids do it


See History
  • December 2, 2020 - 5:26pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Paisley Blue

    wow, this really made me think. you're very right, a lot of times the internet can pressure people to act/think/behave a certain way to be "cool". not just the internet, too, it can happen irl. but no matter what, we support and love you! :)) i'm glad if you're finding help if you need it, or not if you don't! I'm just happy that you're finding out who you are (even if it's going very slowly). if you ever need anyone to talk to, i'm always around! :) best wishes, dear!

    5 months ago
  • mirkat

    woah... raw, dry humor with a twist of truth and "humaning"... i absolutely love this! very relatable... especially the sexuality thing... gosh, i started questioning i think?... very unclear.... anyway! sorry for the ... ellipsis are my favorite piece of punctuation as they ellude to mystery and more to come even if i don't even know what else is coming... okay, i am a weird person and i would love to get to know you in your time of humaning! the review you wrote for my piece was so amazing and i'm going to add a comment there soon but nice to meet you and welcome to wtw! (sorry idk for sure if u r new but...) keep writing and humaning! <3<3<3

    5 months ago
  • Livsnjutare

    omg (g=gosh), I love this! The humor is amazing!

    5 months ago
  • BlueWolf (Semi Hiatus)

    I agree with Beth.r the humour is spot on! I laughed so hard when I read this:
    "Future Pseudonym is humaning."
    :) Sometimes when people are like it's: "'relatable' and 'common' and '#lolsametho'" idk... It can either make you feel less alone or kind of patronizing. Because it can make your problems seem insignificant. But is that me being hypocritical? Or are my problems insignificant? I think that sexuality can be confusing but you are an amazing writer. It's fantastic if you feel you are asexual and of part of the LGBTQ+ community. You are you and you are amazing!

    5 months ago
  • beth r.

    amazing, love the humor in the begining that seamlessly blends into something so deep and real
    re: "famous"? lol but thank so much for the kind comment :)

    5 months ago
  • ~Zoe N~

    re: yeah, i know it's a bit much but I'm just really grateful. Sorry if it was a lot to read. Thanks.

    5 months ago