sci-Fi

United States

call me fi ;) she/they
CA alumni
POC and LGBTQ+ lives matter
feminist
cuz its too cOoOLLdd...
book recs plsss <3 goodreads: philoso_fi

Juliet - Cavetown
03:12 ●━━━━━━─────── 4:28
⇆ㅤㅤㅤㅤ◁ㅤㅤ❚❚ㅤㅤ▷ㅤㅤㅤㅤ↻

Message from Writer

"But wasn't that what every girl dreamed? That she'd wake up and find herself a princess? Or blessed with magical powers and a grand destiny? Maybe there were people who lived those lives...But what about the rest of us? What about the nobodies and the nothings, the invisible girls? We learn to hold our heads as if we wear crowns. We learn to wring magic from the ordinary. That was how you survived when you weren't chosen, when there was no royal blood in your veins. When the world owed you nothing, you demanded something of it anyway."
- Inej Ghafa, Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

Battle Scars

December 3, 2020

In my mind, everything I've experienced is like an essay; it records my memory or thought, then is thrown into the messy pile of papers that is my brain. Every once in a while I have to open my mind just to rifle through the memories like a teenager frantically looking for the right math homework. They shift in my mind, slicing at my skull, cutting unseen scars. The papers get damaged, faded, or just rot away over enough time. Things that seem insignificant are shoved underneath newer and greater topics. So in my mind, the world before 2020 is nothing more than an old memo buried underneath dozens of fresh pages of horror. 
    Would you like to read some of them?

Did they HAVE to put me in a class where I don't know anyone? They couldn't let me be with at least one of my friends? Would that have been too hard? And in 7th grade... this year isn't going to be easy.
    Well, it's study hall... might as well try and sit next to someone. 
    There's a girl at the front of the classroom. She has long black and purple braids tucked into a green camo jacket that's obviously too big for her. It looks like she was reading... what book is that?

    ...oh my gods yes. 
    I lean across the space between the seats and ask her "Hey, have you read the Titan's Curse before?"
    She looks at me, confused. "Yeah? I've read it a few times. I love the Percy Jackson books."
    I smiled at her. "I love Percy Jackson too!"
    We talk for a while. About Percy Jackson, about my classics club, about my upcoming visit to the Rick Riordan tour. At some point I say, "Oh, I'm Fi by the way." And she smiles a little and says "I'm Jania."


The memory doesn't fade out; that one is clearer than rainwater. The rest is simply irrelevant. Let's continue with this one:

"Girls, can you come in here please?"
    I shut my book and walk into our sitting area. My father is sitting on the brown couch. My mother is in the leather swivel chair. She's glaring at him.
    No one speaks for a while. We must have sat there for at least a few minutes before my father finally spoke.
    He had been looking down at his folded arms before, and when he looks up I realized he was crying. 
    "Girls, mommy and daddy are getting a divorce."
    I'm not surprised... mainly I'm thinking it's so cliche that he said "mommy and daddy".


Another rip here... but maybe this one's on purpose.

    "But what happened?" my sister asks, "Everything was fine--"
    "It was never fine."
    Never... were they just pretending? Was I delusional? Did my parents ever really love each other?
    "But what happened?" my sister asks again, "Are you just in a fight? Is it about money? Is there someone else--"
    My father flinches. 


Torn. Destroyed. 

I'm lying on my bed, dreading going back to school after Spring Break, when I get the email from the school, the banner swinging happily from the top of my Tiktok For You Page. I tap on it.
    "Hello Dragons! We regret to say that because of the Coronavirus we will be closing down school for the next two weeks. Until then we will be setting up an online process..."
    I shut off my phone, look at the ceiling. I don't even remember when I first heard about the virus... it was probably through one of my mother's podcasts. But... two weeks. That's not bad at all. Right?


This page seems to be stapled to another. Let's see what it says...

Another banner, this one early in the morning. The sender is "Jania".
    "Happy Birthday!!!!" 
    "Thx stupid" I text back. I don't send "I wish we were at school. I can't do this today. I want a hug."
    I never told anyone about my secret dream, but that day it had been crushed. My dream that I would be back in school by my birthday, April 2nd. That my parents would both come in to the house together, smiling, and say "April Fools! We would never split up, we can't believe you fell for that!" And I would moan about waking up early for school again, and I would be furious at my parents for tricking me, but secretly I would be so happy. 
    I knew they both weren't going to happen, but I at least wanted to be back at school. I want my friends, Jania... sometimes I feel like she's the only person who really gets me. It's crazy how close we've become, and I can't even see her.


Right beneath this was another. I suppose they're alike.

Back
    Forth
Mom
    Dad
I feel like a tennis ball being tossed between two amateur throwers. They keep dropping me.
    Should we even be moving so much in a pandemic? Seems unsanitary to me, but alas, as a child, I have no say in how my life goes. 
    Especially now.
 

I am constantly reminded how lucky I am. I have two parents. Enough to eat. A roof over my head. My family is healthy. All these things I'm thankful for are beaten into my brain, stamped onto the pages of my mind, and I recognize them. I do. I have enough. It is enough.
    But my 2020 began before the world was shooting fireworks and kissing their sweethearts. It began months before. The only difference is before it was bearable. I had so much to do, so many places to be, so many people to entertain, that I never had time to simply think. Then the lockdown started. The distracting world around me fell silent, and I was trapped in my own mind. 
    It let me realize just how much my stable life was shifting.
    I can get through this: the pandemic, the divorce, everything else that's happening.
    But there will be battle scars.

 
Word Count: 998 (cutting it a little close there...)

plz review, I do not feel confident about this at all yet. Also, title ideas?

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4 Comments
  • happygiggles

    Re- *hands tissue* happygiggles didn't mean to make you cry, she is sorry! ):

    I don't know how I feel about this, overwhelmed I guess I could say. It such a beautifully written piece with such a deep meaning. Fi, my heart goes out to you. It seems like you've been through a lot, and it's all still a bit raw, which is completely okay. Time is a great healer, you'll be okay Fi, everything's gonna be alright. Battle scars are just a reminder of how strong you are, never be afraid to let them show. You've got this. I believe in you. ((:


    10 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Re Fi:


    10 months ago
  • Starlitskies

    Hey Fi! This is coming along nicely. Love what you've done with the ending! :D Once again I have a question (*insert your eye role here) I know, I know I ask a lot of questions. About the expert review that we're supposed to be receiving today... I didn't get it yet. I did submit early and I believe its in the first hundred. I'm guessing I should wait??? Thanks!


    10 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    omg wait i just saw your comment on williamtheconqueror's piece "on not answering emails"... I should totally do that when mindfruit doesn't answer me XD I wonder what he would say if i wrote something like "where'd the CA go?" hahahahaha


    10 months ago