Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Hi fellow readers! This was a normal day in lockdown and HBL (Home-Based Learning) from the start of the year. Hope you enjoy it!
I absolutely loved this piece! Your tone was funny and relatable, your descriptions captured the essence of the moment, and your overall message was a welcome slice of sunshine in these trying times.
Your narrative was distinctly hilarious, and extremely memorable at that, but I'd love to see a little more personal reflection. You do a fantastic job detailing your embarrassing coffee accident, and I loved how you tied everything together with a sweet, hopeful conclusion, but I felt that the conclusion got a little lost beneath the narrative. To make things clearer to readers, how about balancing narrative and reflection in relatively equal parts? How about weaving in reflection between your narrative? The uproarious narrative leads into your reflection on the woes of HBL, but how it allows you spend more time with your brother. I'd love to read more about this, so please consider expanding! How do you feel about HBL? You mention "long and exhausting days" - how exhausted were you? How did you feel about the class slackers? What did you miss about regular school? How do you feel spending more time with your brother? Your family? What is the general atmosphere in your home? Supportive, humorous, collaborative? It's up to you how you choose to revise the general structure or interpolate more commentary, and I think this piece could be even more amazing if you balanced narrative and reflection.
All your sentences were well-thought-out and well-crafted, but I think some changes to sentence structure could lift this piece to a whole new level. My main notes are (1) sentence variety, (2) modifiers, and (3) passive --> active. As I've said, your sentences are amazing, but the key idea to remember is variety. Instead of writing a paragraph with similarly structured sentences, try varying length (i.e. short, long, long, short, long, short) and structure (i.e. how about moving this participial phrase here? This prepositional phrase here?). This ties in to my next note: modifiers. You have extremely vivid modifiers, but like real-estate agents say....location, location, location. Be careful about misplaced modifiers! I've highlighted a few of these. Next, try shifting your sentences from passive to active tone. This is where the magic happens *sparkle sparkle*. "The dish was made by the chef" is a great sentence, but how about: "The chef made the dish"? This may not seem like a huge difference, but with active tone, your entire paragraph will become much clearer and livelier.
Your ending was excellently written. As I've mentioned in the previous section, I'd love to see you expand on it with some more personal reflection, but other than that, I thought it was great!
Personal narratives are really tough to write, and as someone who has written tons for school assignments, I think they never get any easier. Yet, you've done such a fantastic job here, and by your next draft, I'm sure it'll get even better than any I've ever written. Writing is a process, and it's all about growing and having fun and revising a lot. Take it easy on yourself, take plenty of breaks, and remember - just have fun! You've got this.
I loved reading your personal narrative, and your message was so uplifting. Good luck with the competition, and wishing you all the best with your writing endeavors! If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me, and I'll be happy to help! :D