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An average girl who always has her nose in a book.
EST. since August 2019
Junior in High School
A walking contradiction
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I appreciate any feedback - check out the footnotes for more of what I'm looking for. Thanks for reading!


November 23, 2020

      It's Saturday Night, and I still haven't done any of my homework. All I did today was stare at my computer screen, watching stupid YouTube videos and other useless things. I could have done all this work that's piling up, but I didn't. 
    These are the thoughts that go through my mind as I put everything away from my day. I plug in my useless computer, phone, and AirPods, and put away a few books that I pulled out throughout the day. As I walk from my desk to my bed, I feel off. 
    And suddenly, 
    I feel,
    Very dizzy. 
    I sit on my bed and begin to undress, to change into my pajamas. The dizziness fades away, but it lurks in the corner, ready to pounce. I stand and pull out the drawer to grab my pajamas. I can't hear the noise that my drawer makes. Weird. I put on my pajamas and go into the hall vanity. I brush my teeth while warding off the dizziness. 
    I must just be tired. It's been a long week. I worked from Monday to Wednesday, on my feet from three to seven. On Thursday and Friday, I went to school and did a lot of hard projects and tests. I had a hard day on Thursday, and my mom and I had a bit of a fight. That's all. I'm just tired. 
    I put my toothbrush back in the cup. Grabbing my retainer, I flick off the light and head into my room. 
    The dizziness is strange. It's an empty dizzy, where suddenly I'm no longer in my body, but a bit detached, looking down on myself. 
    Am I okay?
    No, I'm just tired. 
    I grab my Zytrec bottle and twist the safety cap off. I turn it on its side and shake out one tiny pill. 
    So dizzy. 
    I reach for my water bottle and unscrew the cap. I swig down the pill and a few sips of water, and suddenly my brain is telling me lies.
    That pill must have been poisoned
    I hear the thoughts in my head and ignore it. But then I feel... sickness in my throat.
    Is that blood?
    I'm dying! 
    The dizziness takes over, and I try to push it away. I'm fine. It's just a Zyrtec, I take one every day. I'm fine. 
    I grab my retainer and pop it in my mouth, following my normal routine. I just need sleep, I'm fine. 
    But I'm not fine. Everything feels wrong, and I'm shaking. My hands, my feet, my legs are all jumping up and down.
    I'm dying. 
    Oh God, don't let me die!
    Father in heaven, help me. Don't let me die, I have so much more I want to do!
    This isn't right. I stand and reach for the door to steady myself. I walk, no, I run down the hallway to my sister. She looks up from her computer with a confused look on her face. 
    "What's up, Rose?"
    "I don't know, everything just feels wrong, and I just feel so funny." I pause and rip out my retainer. "I just took a Zytec and... my throat feels funny." I clear my throat and shake my hands in the air. 
    Oh God! I'm dying. That's blood in my throat, and that Zyrtec is killing me and I'm dying.   
    "I... I just... I feel so weird and funny..." I trail off. I'm shaking so much, and I have no control over my legs, just jittering away. 
    "It's going to be okay, Rose. You're okay." She stands and gently holds my hands still. "Let's go downstairs." She guides me to the stairs and down through the kitchen. Suddenly I'm sitting on a chair and I want to scream. It feels wrong. Everything feels wrong. Oh, I must be dying! No! I don't want to die!
    "Ahhh..." I say, and Kate hands me a glass of water. I suck it down, hoping to get the sticky feeling in my throat away. 
    "I'm going to get Mom, Rose. You're going to be okay." She walks across the living room, calling for my mom. I sit on the stool with my arms wrapped around my legs, where my feet bounce up and down. 
    Finally, Mom's here. I want to breathe a sigh of relief, but everything feels so wrong. I feel so dizzy. I bounce in my seat, trying to ignore the thoughts in my head. 
    I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying.
    Mom helps me to the couch where I lean back, stretching my legs far in front of me and my arms out to the side. 
    I'm dying.
    Mom and Kate are talking, but I can't hear a word they say. The shakes come so fast now. I'm not even adding to them, they happen all on their own, taking over my body. Then I hear what Kate is saying. 
    "I know what you are feeling, hon. It feels like it's taking so long, but it's going to go away. It's a panic attack." I cling to her words. I'm not dying, Kate survived this before. It's a panic attack. I'm going to be okay. 
    The dizziness sweeps over me again and I try to listen to Kate. 
    "Breathe in..." I breathe in. "Breathe out..." I breathe out. I breathe with Kate's mantra, the only thing from convincing me I'm not about to die. My brain is still trying to convince me, but I just focus on breathing.
    Slowly, I feel the cloud over my brain lift, and I keep breathing. 
    I'm not dying. This is not going to last forever.
    I'm going to be okay. 
    Nothing lasts forever, even when it feels like it's going to. 
    The adrenaline contines to shake me, and I let it course through my body. It'll be gone soon. 
    And then I can go to bed. 
Heyo! Please review - I want to submit it to the contest, so any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated! This is a true story, and I tried to capture that panic that a panic attack creates. Let me know if you feels this or not or if there's a better wat to do it :)

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  • doodleninja

    wow this is such a powerful piece! you convey panic attacks so well in your formatting, your prose, your repeated sentences. Review heading your way! :)

    2 months ago
  • Bluesno

    This is amazing, and I feel for you. I have these sometimes... such fun, hey?

    2 months ago