Peer Review by zleyla (United States)

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to be

By: bloop

He ran, blood thrumming through his veins, stomach churning, sweat permeating every inch of his clothing.

It was only when he’d reached the edge of the world, the vast black nothingness of the ocean stretched out as far as the eye could see, illuminated by the slumbering sun further down the horizon. The underlying guilt decided to dawn on him with a sudden gush of vitriol, searing away at his conscience, and the adrenaline rush kicked in, the thought of avoiding being caught was both incongruous and alluring at the same time. 

And as the mind does when it is given a moment of brief tranquillity after some intense event, the boy’s mind began to race frantically as the reality of his wicked, heinous deed finally settled in. A tempestuous whorl of images engulfing all of his memory— crimson blossoming on a white shirt, shards of his father’s well-loved bottles of beer, and a primal urge forcing him to run, run as his mother caterwauled, echoing in great awful gouts of animalistic howls which resounded throughout the woods.

His heart began to pound faster, but it was not from the exertion of bolting blindly into the void of the unknown. It was something unfathomable, something awful, glorious and terrible simultaneously. An incomprehensible thought sent a reprehensible thrill through his trembling body; fists clenched around his chest, and the air that entered his lungs weren’t enough, never enough. He gasped and the strained rasping filled the dark air. He fought to hold his tears back but they came, and he lost sense of himself and the world turned blurry— And at that moment, he feared Death stretching, his skeletal appendages reaching out to him, the everlasting, ubiquitous presence wrapped around his throat pulling him over to the bottomless schism.  Amidst the panic, fear and grasping for something, anything, a single coherent thought emerged from his cacophony of voices and sounds— 

I want to live. 

His father’s lifeless body lay strewn in front of him. His fault. 

But the blood-stained blade that lay in his limp, cold grasp could have once seen him as the lifeless body spread out on the wooden planks. 

He wanted to live. 

An eye for an eye. His father’s life for his own. 

And he was the one who lived. 

What now, his mind wailed. What will you do? 

The day broke, rays of divine warmth bursting out from the horizon, flooding the sky with a myriad of hues, rife with the essence of universal, life-giving energy. The Earth, clad in a diaphanous dress the colour of burning gold, rose to meet the occasion, and all that dwelled in the vicinity rose with Her. She breathed out the morning mist, fresh and sweet, and he gulped it all in, drinking in the very essence of existence itself. She danced, fingers brushing his hair and bare feet sweeping over the soft caress of the grass below, losing herself in the wondrous ecstasy of beauty, and freedom. His sporadically beating heart heard the tempo of life, and of liberation; chose to follow it blindly, gladly. He spread his arms out in a moment of hazy deliriousness once he caught his breath. 

Everything, in that moment, became clear to him. The day’s first light glinted off the waves in the distance, scintillating in the autumn chill, and he was untrammelled, unfettered by shackles he had ignored for too long. He could see, and feel, and he was. The overpowering allure of just being and breathing submerged him in warmth, and he looked up at it with revere. He would rise with the sun and fall with the moon, and live as the seasons passed him by, until nature came to reclaim him, and he would become one with her. 

That revelation, in itself, was enough to make him tilt his head back and crow with victory. 

We are, each of us, bound to the cosmos, through an intricate lattice of imperceptible energy. Individuality is nought but a fabrication of the human mind, for we are one. A sacrifice, a willing participant in an act which would see my frail, mortal body cease to function. I have given all, and I have gained all. I am finally free, together in unity.

Message to Readers

Hi! This is the first writing competition I've ever joined, and English isn't my first language, so please feel free to point out any grammatical mistakes. Point out anything you like (from the coherency of the passage to the overall theme), and title ideas would be much appreciated-- the passage is still called 'Untitled document' on Google Docs.
Thank you for reading, and have a lovely day!

Peer Review

The writing style is just... wow. Off the bat, you have a sentence that says "it was only when he'd reached the edge of the world," and it just hooks you.

The author finds that sweet spot of a balance between internal musings and external happenings. They depict the main character struggling with the apparent murder of his father, yet also tie in aspects of his surroundings to further his turmoil.

I think this piece could benefit from a little bit more insight into the circumstances of his father's murder. Literally just a TINY bit more, to give more of a look into the protagonist's feelings in that moment, you know?

This novel clearly takes place outside; the world building is just stunning. The protagonist notes that he's standing on a cliff, looking out over the horizon. Great place for an epiphany of this sort!

Your writing style is just beautiful. Your word choice is stunning and really paints a vivid, personified picture. Great work, and keep it up! I'm especially impressed at your command of language, even when English isn't your first language. This is insanely impressive.

Reviewer Comments

One tidbit of advice is to work to make your piece clearer. Find that balance between beautiful, long words and shorter, simpler ones. This will make your piece a lot more readable and easy to follow. Also, try and vary your sentence structure more, so as to improve your flow. You're a great writer!! Keep it up!! Best of luck in the competition.
P.S. I 100% understand if you're too busy, but if you wouldn't mind taking a look at my entry for this competition, I would love your insight! Your writing is gorgeous, and I feel like you would give great tips.