rat in a hat

United States

i'm pretentious and annoying but i think that's okay, i own two lava lamps. i love spider-man, ABBA, anything muppet-related, bill and ted, and john everett millais' rendition of ophelia. i hate sitcom laugh tracks.

chaotic good

Message from Writer

love your friends and be as stupid as you can be <2

i feel your fingers rearranging my spotify playlists

November 16, 2020

FREE WRITING

7

i dreamt about you again
not last night, but the night before
and it was weird, because i’ve dreamt about you many times and it always goes like this:
we meet, and i’m ecstatic to see you
i fling my arms around you, we stay together, and i think things are looking up
but you don’t look at me the same way
(i haven’t seen you smile at me in well over a year now, not even in my dreams)
you’re quiet, and uncomfortable, and you’re with me but not really with me, you know?

but the night before last you were in my dreams and it was all so different
you found me, which you never do
you kissed me, and you held me, and you stuck with me
and i don’t believe in signs, or that people showing up in my dreams means much of anything
all it means is that i thought about you recently, and so my subconscious entered you as a character in the bedtime story it tells me as i sleep
but i haven’t thought about you recently
i try not to think about you at all

and it still means nothing, absolutely nothing
the dream, that is
but i have to live with my dreams when i wake and now i can’t stop thinking and wishing and wanting and i thought i was over this
i forgave you, i did, and i thought that was the end of it
but you live in my head and i can’t kick you out of my heart, as furiously as i may try
fury means nothing in the face of love
do i love you?
i did. i did, i did, i did and i think i still do

tell me, if i could do it all again, what would you have me do
i would fall to my knees in devotion and kiss the scrapes on your ankles 
i would’ve done anything for you
you know this
i told you outside the high school parking lot
caught you by your wrist and tried my best to keep you from flying away, just for a moment

anyways. i failed, but that’s both obvious and irrelevant to this story
anyways, i feel like i’m choking over here
because i remembered how close you are within my reach
because i could try to send you a message and pray as hard as possible that you hear me and respond
you won’t respond, and so i’m racking my brain to figure out if it’s worth it
is it worth it to bruise my knees in devotion to someone who left me in the dust 
but i need closure, i need closure, i need closure and you’re the closest chance i’ve got

yes, i know sometimes things end roughly and cruelly and with all sorts of loose ends
but do things have to end like that for us?
i love you
i love you
i love you 
(i whisper to the morning sun as i pull the blinds down over its rays, because i flew to the moon to rest, not to wake)
and i try not to love you
but i do

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  • November 16, 2020 - 1:43pm (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • A Rose

    Hi I love this and especially: "you found me, which you never do"


    about 2 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Ooh I really love this. It's so beautiful.
    "and it still means nothing, absolutely nothing
    the dream, that is
    but i have to live with my dreams when i wake and now i can’t stop
    thinking and wishing and wanting and i thought i was over this"
    Oh gosh I definitely feel that sentiment.
    "you won’t respond, and so i’m racking my brain to figure out if it’s worth it"
    I really like that line and the subtlety of distress it transmits.
    This piece is so remarkably timed because just last night I dreamed about an old crush who I've barely thought of in the past year or so. Weird.


    2 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    woah i feel this... brilliant poem. i really get this; i've been there. it's really... hard. that's the understatement of the year--but somehow, i don't have the words to describe that feeling. it's a big feeling, isn't it.
    praying for you <333


    2 months ago