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not the gal they think i am at home

ri / 17 / snl freak

Message to Readers


She will not be salvaged

March 9, 2021



(October is so long gone now; the leaves are down in my neighborhood and
it is cold cold cold)

   I think I'll apply to Harvard I think I'll keep it a secret
 so then when I don't get in I'm not the failure or the punch line       
       of some long time family joke.
I've always been that dopamine snort but now I sit still still still at e-church sermons
that have long stopped being gone to.
She touches my arm and it tenses. I hope my hair grows by next Christmas,
this year's my free pass--don't touch me,     
   I beg.
         God, don't touch.
My show got turned down for something called "When Santa Lost His Ho Ho Ho"
and I wish I could say that I'm lying; I'm not.
And I wish I could say I'll put on my show but I probably won't, I won't let them
  keep it for January it won't even be Christmas anymore and--
    God, I'll keep my letter of thanks and resignation brief brief brief
           so I can shove it in my pocket and keep it for when I need it,
           brief. So brief, so
           deep deep deep, so
I can't help but wonder if God is waiting for me at college. I laugh with my
constant state of fear of the future but maybe She walks the hallowed halls.
Her walls are enthroned in feminist posters and ivy,
and She is just waiting for me to come so we can have tea and talk like old friends.

When you grow up do you want to go to law school? 
You always were so smart.

(November) going bad bad bad
   Put little candies in my lunch and dress like a skater LIKE HELL.
     Learn the Romans loved their structures like they loved their own selves but
   what's toppled over is oh my heavenly hosts I'll have to tell Aunt B--
              if this is a warning sign I'm an idiot for not taking it.
But we haven't spoken in months, she'll just laugh, call me cute and ever-changing.
I'm the angsty teen niece but it isn't bad--I just wonder how much she still knows,
and she posted her old wedding photos on facebook.
Aunt B made a beautiful bride.

And when a Roman structure toppled the marble was hard but the Romans 
          were fine.
     The place was not salvaged, but they rebuilt it on the ground
       and kept it holy.

I'll be the one who made it out--the compass faces North to the Lord of the sun
              She waits for me at college,
     She threw the paintbrushes out the window but I didn't even notice.
                      I was reading again.

(December will shine like the day,
I was promised.)


See History
  • March 9, 2021 - 5:42pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Yellow Sweater

    This is honestly one of the more brilliant things I have read in a while. There are so many clever turns of phrase, but the piece also remarkably solid, blunt. I also love how you did the line breaks. They highlights very interesting pieces. And I related to "Maybe god is waiting for me in college" so hard:)

    4 months ago
  • ava09 (sorta back)

    this is beautiful. yeah - junior year sucks (you've really put all the feelings into words it's incredible). you got this though!!! sending hugsss. <3 <3

    6 months ago
  • a rose

    Aw, babe, this is beautifully written but also!!!!!! I know life is rough right now so just remember I'm here for ya and I love you so much. Also your writing. You will be the one that makes it, you deserve it.

    6 months ago
  • everythingbagel (the cliffhanger goddess)

    I'm purposefully going to unlike this just so I can like it all over again.

    6 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    reading this again, i wish i could like it over and over. wow. " brief. So brief, so / deep deep deep, so / I can't help but wonder if God is waiting for me at college." this whole part just hit me out of nowhere. wow. " if this is a warning sign I'm an idiot for not taking it" i love this, too. the whole piece is just stunning. And the ending--wow, that gave me shivers. sorry for the excessive commenting, i'm a little obsessed with your writing!! :)

    6 months ago
  • sci-Fi

    Wow... incredible. The emotion is so raw and honest. I know I'm just echoing Paisley and Wisp but I don't know what else to say... this stunned me.

    6 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    As wisp said, this is absolutely brilliant. It felt so... refreshing to read, if that makes sense? like... yeah, there's no way to describe how i'm feeling right now other than "in awe". i love the flow and rhythm of your words. wow.
    i wish there was a way for you to understand how deeply i felt this... but i don't think there is. wow. absolutely stunning. <3

    6 months ago
  • Wisp

    The raw emotion in this is just delectable. And the repetition in the piece adds a whole new level that is so admirable. I truly do enjoy your work, and this piece is just ever so lovely. I wish there were more adjectives I had to describe how heavenly this piece is, but for now I hope the ones I do have will at least show you a fraction of how wonderful this piece is and what it means to me.

    6 months ago