you’ve shattered so many things for me, even the poetry i’ve written | three shorter pieces that don’t deserve to be published on their own, but are all about the same person.

not to me 
i hate the idea of falling into love.
i wish to never be loved that way. 
when i was younger, i thought falling was the only way to love -- a quick tumble like alice into wonderland being led by a little white rabbit with one of those soulmate clocks.
and yet, i yearn so dearly to be loved on purpose now. i want to be remembered and remember every detail of their person, every influx of their voice, every octave of their laugh until is ingrained upon my body. i want to be loved like a fond memory.
         and, darling, this is what i could offer to you, 
        but love isn’t a bargain.

femur bones and existential crises 
we learn in biology class that the strongest bone in the human body is the femur 
and i wonder if you remember telling me that humans were built to break, to shatter. 
    i’m not sure if i quite believe that -- i’m not particularly religious, 
    but if some great god from above were to shape our every bone and vein and heart,
you would think they would make us unbreakable -- all that is ash once was something stronger -- i’m praying that we are, too, but something, perhaps that god i don’t fully believe in, whispers that we are not a femur bone. 

. -..- / -. .. .... .. .-.. --- / -. .. .... .. .-.. / ..-. .. -
i learn morse code so i might one day understand the complexities of the universe you’ve built in your mind, but instead, i am disturbed that everytime i say i love you, even just as friends, you tap out that phrase -- ex nihilo nihil fit. 
    are we truly nothing?