14 - leo - introvert
music || swimming || writer
est. jan 1 '20
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Message to Readers

I don't understand emotions. I've been trying to express my feelings about this for about a month yet I have about 20 pieces started. Bu managed to write this in half an hour :))

I tried to express this as best I could. It was actually easy to write, this just flowed straight from exactly what I was thinking to the page.

Some kind of letter...

November 12, 2020



Hey you,

Remember when you texted me not so long ago? If anyone was to see our chat, they wouldn't even call it a conversation. It began with just a short message from you ending with "I hope you're doing okay." I shamelessly replied much to quick, too quick for somebody who was meant to be over you long long ago. I said I was going good and asked how you were too. A few back and forward messages between us but the conversation ended much too quick for my liking. 

I remember flipping my phone over, rolling onto my side. I can feel my mouth curving into a smile. I could feel the heat from my cheeks. I closed my eyes, trying to sync my thoughts along with the beat of my heart. A slow rhythmic beat. I needed to hear it, simply for reassurance. Just something to straighten the thoughts in my head and align them with what had just happened. 

That was all it took for me to fall for you once again.

I remembered the way it used to be. Used to be between us. The many inside jokes and good times. The countless hours I would spend texting you, much later into the night then my mother believed we talked. We weren't doing anything wrong. But it still felt somehow rebellious.

But most of all, I remember you. I remember your voice like I still hear it everyday. Your laugh seems to echo through my head from time to time. But right now, it was ringing through my head, interrupting my train of thoughts. Even your smile begins to fill my head, along with images of your innocent face. Your blue eyes clearly mark out it's definitely you.

I know we said goodbye as friends long ago. It feels like just the other day we were part of each others lives but on the other hand, I can't even remember what we last said. Technically I did say goodbye. I said the words. But they were words I didn't mean. Too mean them, I must feel what I am saying. But they weren't words I felt. If that even makes any sense. I know it probably doesn't. I'm sorry. But really deep down somewhere inside, I never said goodbye. I can feel your words, although they are never spoken. I just miss it. I miss you.

But I lied. I told you I was going good. But really, it couldn't be more opposite. 

The truth is, my world is falling. Falling faster than I ever want. I just wish that I could at least grab hold onto one of the cascading pieces, but its like grabbing a handful of sand at the beach- it just slips between my fingers. Now all I can think about is you. You and I. Together. I need you in my life. Because when you were here, it felt at least a bit normal. If normal is even a possible thing to find. Back then it was. It hard to imagine what normal feels like. I can imagine you so well, but the word normal just feels foreign to say. Now days, it'd be a miracle if I managed to find something even close to that.

I just need you to tell me it's all okay. I want you to pull me close to you and tell me it will be alright. I need to hear you say those words.

I never said goodbye. I technically did. But not really. 

Why can't it go back to the way it was?

- C 


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  • November 12, 2020 - 7:08pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Bluesno

    This is so touching and beautiful. It makes you feel things that you have never felt before. This truly is the most beautiful piece of writing I have ever read. And, it WILL be ok. You CAN get through this. Believe you can and you can.

    A quote that I love, that I think applies to this:
    'You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think'

    2 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Wow, this is really good. "I shamelessly replied much to quick, too quick for somebody who was meant to be over you long long ago." Ah, that's a mood. I can feel your feelings radiating off of this piece. I love it. I hope you get this somewhat sorted out soon.

    2 months ago