Peer Review by BizzleWrites (Australia)

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Happiness Before Your Death Date

By: midnight.summerrose


Her descent to Earth held the light from a thousand stars. 
They say a rainbow is a product from rain and sunshine, whereas it is actually an angel being sent down from heaven. The aura of the brightest light combines as she gently drops down to Earth. She was the centre of the Earth sent from the sky.  She was yearning for an answer. Her name was Fern Wallis.
***
Memories swirled around Fern's head, like a witches’ cauldron. She brushed a strand of golden hair from her face.

3rd March 2018: Day 1

Every angel’s job is to give a human happiness before they die. At the present time, she had a week until Adeline’s death date.

The journey to Earth hadn’t been to taxing as Fern could go anywhere she wanted in a blink of an eye. Her task was simple: act as a new student in high school and give her ward, Adeline, happiness.

Fern walked in the foreign world. Everything seemed strange and new. She had seen reflections of Earth in water, but it didn’t compare to the phantasmagoria of her actual presence on Earth.
Fern's fake ID had been made up in heaven the prior to her going down to Earth.
Nerves rattled inside her body. 'Chin up' she muttered to herself 'don't look suspicious'. Striding confidently into the school, she went up to the desk. Dust parted as she rang the silver bell. Presently, a woman with thick glasses came up to her. "Can I help you?"
"I'm Fern Wallis, the new student." Fern replied softly.
"Oh yes, let me just get everything you need." The receptionist smiled and then shuffled to the stacks of bureaus behind her. She fished around for a few seconds and then emerged with a planner and timetable. "Here you go." The woman said, "You also have a buddy, Adeline who should be coming soon to show you around and get you settled in."
"Thank you." Fern said.
After around 10 minutes of waiting a sulky-looking girl with coarse black hair and dark skin came around the corner. "Hello. I'm Adeline. You must be Fern." She said.
"Hi," Fern said, relieved. 'this is all going to plan' she thought.
The day passed slowly, becoming tiresome bore. They didn't talk much and Fern's face was a complication of worry lines as she walked out of school.
***
Day 2
The next day rolled past as Fern tried to establish a friendship between her and Adeline. Unfortunately, Adeline was very dreary and self-centered, so her only progress was having a few conversations once-in-a-while.
***
Day 3
"Fern, you coming to Jake's party?" A voice spoke. Fern was jolted from her thoughts.
"Huh?" She said.
"Jake's party, tonight. Everybody goes, it's an annual event: the highlight of the year. He lives in a mansion. Thought we could go together cuz I need someone to go with-" Words tumbled out of the voice's mouth.
"Yeah sure." She found herself saying, as she turned to establish the owner of the voice. She was surprised to see that it came from Adeline who smiled sweetly. Fern's heart skipped a beat. ‘Good,’ she thought, ‘hopefully she will have fun.’
Fern's day passes with an anxious waiting inside her.
She arrived at the party with a tight, blue dress and blue heels, her golden hair flowing down to her waist in neat waves. Looking around, she tottered over to the bar, “drink please” she said deafly ‘I might as well act human’ she thought. As she was drinking, a light finger tapped her on the shoulder, she swiveled around. “Addy!” She said drunkly. 
“Woah girl. That’s enough for you!” Addy replied, dragging Fern onto the dance floor. 
Music blared in their ears as they danced their hearts out. “This is the happiest I’ve been in my life!” Addy said, tears in her eyes. “Is this what happiness feel like?”
The party was a blur of multi-coloured lights and loud music for Fern who lay down on her bed, exhausted. All she could remember was Adeline's face full of joy. She went to sleep, the intoxicating drink and headache drumming in her head.
***
Day 4-6
The next day, the girls acted like they had been best friends for years, their bond became inseparable. Their United laughs filled the corridors with happiness and everyone looked at Addy with new eyes. She was no longer sullen and her infectious smile made her look beautiful.
***
Day 7: Adeline’s death date

Tires screeched to stop. Bang. Silence. A quiet haze of sadness passed over like a cloud. The end had come.
***
Afterwards
Tears jerked down the faces of the people present. Everyone was wearing black and mourning. 
“We are here today to commemorate the life of Adeline Morris...”


Darkness screened off the stars that scattered the sky. A figure stood on the mountain top, wavering in the wind. Golden wings sprouted from her body, unfurling like a butterfly from a cocoon. She was an angel from heaven: beautiful and enchanting, but disconnected and other-worldly. She had found her answer.


 

Does it make sense? Thanks for reading!! This is review for review. :)
Have a great day!

Message to Readers

Please review! Review for review. I know it isn't very good at the moment and it could do with a lot of improvements. Any comments would be appreciated also! :) have a great day!


Peer Review

This was a really amazing, and really sad story. It was captivating, making you wonder how Adeline was going to die, and making you hope that Fern would be able to bring her happiness first.


The idea of an angel getting drunk is not something I had thought of before, given they seem so flawless, it's amusing to see it put like this. The character Adeline seemed very sad, so it made it all the more tragic for her to finally be happy and die only four days later. I think showing Fern's worry and sadness about her new friend dying would make her emotions feel more real, despite her being an angel.


Including Fern getting her fake ID would definitely be cool. Where did she get if from? Was it hard to acquire? Did it come will information on how to act? It would also be an opportunity to add some humor to a very sad story.


I think it's America, but more detail would be good. At the start of Fern's time on earth, including stuff about what exactly it was she was seeing that was so strange. Things you could include are trees, rivers, vending machines, MacDonald's or some other fast food, and small children. Being an angel, I can't imagine she sees that many kids where she lives.


This story was captivating and tragic. It makes the reader think about how a nice person can effect people, and how sad it is to die young. I think this is a really good story, and you're a really great writer. Keep writing!


Reviewer Comments

A bit more description of the characters' appearance might be good. Is Adeline wearing a school uniform? Jeans and a My Chemical Romance T-shirt? A polka-dotted skirt and a red blouse? Feel free to use any of those descriptions I just listed. Also, keep writing!