Peer Review by BizzleWrites (Australia)

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Faith. Hope. Tragedy. Draft Four! REVIEW FOR REVIEW

By: dream02

One day, in Ms. Ian's sixth grade class, they had a new student. At first, the students were surprised. After all, it was the middle of the semester. But then their surprise turned to curiosity and, excitement. The new girl, Amelia, was coming all the way from Scotland! So their excitement grew and grew, until they could hardly stand still, wait for Amelia to arrive. When she first walked in, almost hidden behind the principal, the kids began to whisper. But when the principal moved aside and they caught their first glimpse of the new girl from a strange, far away country, the whispers stopped abruptly. Amelia was wearing layers and layers of clothing! They covered every inch of her body, including, her hands and the hoods of several oversized bunnyhugs obscured her face almost completely. All that was visible was a bit of her mouth and the tip of her nose. The teacher looked at her and a look of surprise passed over her face but was quickly replaced by a kind smile "Welcome to our class, Amelia." She said "Would you like to remove a few of your layers? I'd hate for you to overheat." Amelia shook her head but didn't speak. Ms. Ian smiled. "Okay then. Would you please take a seat over there?" Amelia silently walked over to the seats Ms. Ian was gesturing to and sat, looking down at her desk. 

Later, on the playground, Amelia was sitting alone on the swing. One of the girls from her class walked over to her. "Why are you wearing so many layers of clothing? You look freaky." Amelia didn't say a word. But, if you could see underneath her hood, you would see silent tears sliding down her face. "Hey freak! I'm talking to you!" The girl said, pulling down the hood obscuring Amelia's face, "Listen to-" the girl stop abruptly. Covering Amelia's face were dozens and dozens of horrid scars. Some were small, some were as long as two inches and as wide as a thick Sharpie marker. But one was especially gruesome. It went all the way across Amelia's forehead and was 2 centimeters wide. "What hapoened to you?" The girl asked, completely horrified. Amelia burst into tears and started to run away then stopped and turned and said in a voice thick with tears "I was in a car accident two years ago. I barely survived. And my mum didn't."

Two years earlier.....
"Hurry up Amelia! We don't want to be late for your dance class, Sweetie!" "I'm coming, Mum!" Amelia called as she ran down the stairs. Amelia's mum was standing by the door, keys in one hand, Amelia's dance bag in the other. "It's about time, Amelia." Her Mum said, winking. "If we're in such a big hurry, why haven't we left yet?" Amelia said, putting a hand on her hip and smiling. Her mom laughed, a beautiful melodic sound, opening the door "Let's go, my little Bee." Amelia smiled at her baby nickname and ran out to the car, her mum hurrying after. As they drove to the studio, it started to rain. A hard, pelting rain. Bordering on hail. Soon they could hardly see. "Oh dear, I'm going to to have to pull over, Amelia. I can't see well." Amelia started to worry. "If you can't see, how will you pull over?" She asked, anxious. Her Mum opened her mouth to answer, but whatever she was going to say was lost. Bright headlights flashed in front of the windshield. Suddenly, their car was struck from the front. Amelia felt weightless and lightheaded. She looked to the front of the car to her mum but, all she could see was the front bumper of the other car. She tried to scream for her mum but no sounds came out. Then, she saw darkness at the edges of her vision then, everything abruptly went dark...

PLEASE let me know what y'all think! It's something I've been working on for a while!

Message to Readers

What do y'all think????

Peer Review

The start of the story is really interesting, making you feel the feeling of what kids think when there's a new student. I really like how you don't know anything about Amelia to start with, as it kind of makes her feel scary, or non-human. The writing style has a similar one to childrens' books, such as Harry Potter. The ending was satisfying, but also very sad.

The character Amelia is very sad with her back-story, making readers feel empathetic towards her. The other children, who wonder so much about the mysterious Amelia feel relatable and realistic.

Some more details about the childrens' speculation about Amelia, such as dialogue, would be helpful and could include humor.

The novel feels like it's America, because of the students reaction to a student from Scotland. I think details on the whether in the first part, (set in America?) would be good, to get a sense of how different Scotland is. Obviously in the second part, there's the rain, but I think including the Scottish landscape would add to the atmosphere. Saying what the sky looked like when Amelia and her Mum left the house would be helpful too.

This was a really good story, easy to read and captivating. I think you should definitely keep working on it, even if not for the competition, for yourself. Great job!

Reviewer Comments

There a re some grammar mistakes, such as putting dialogue from two different people on the same line. If I'm wrong about the grammar rules here, you don't have to listen to me. More paragraph breaks could also be good, but it depends on the style and is a fine balance. Over-all, great job!
Oh, and I really like your piece's name.