Peer Review by JustAnotherDarling (United States)

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Igniting

By: Huba Huba


"An angel slumps her shoulders, wanes her head over, and begins to break down. Her composure is no longer there, her waving, golden hair is thrown over her face that leaks burning tears that the glass of her eyes could no longer hold. Unlike the moon who plagiarizes light from the sun, she radiates through her beauty. Her white dress flows along and dances with the wind of the night, so pure, so strong; yet she is such an easy target for the ones who lurk where her radiance cannot reach. The sadness, the emotion of the picture I'm seeing through my eyes.. is perfection." thought K209. "Why do the ones we were meant to replicate try so hard to achieve their twisted views of perfection? I'd die of boredom if I were like that-- if I could die." 

E785 flips her hair back behind her face and wipes those beautiful, flaming tears from her eyes, going back to her human like self, and the radiance turns off as if someone unplugged the chord. It's truly too bad that Dr. Xyzagerium had to throw her away due to her inability to use her legs. What's even worse is Dr. Xyzagerium didn't even bother destroying K209, as he didn't notice K209's hazardous thoughts, but only threw the clone away for the missing left humerus and missing rib cages. 

"K209, please don't do this," she pleads to him, tugging harder on K209's tunic. 

"Why not?" K209 smirks. "The world looks more beautiful ignited with fire, without this rubbish of concrete streets and brick buildings." 

"The world looks less beautiful with burnt corpses and ruined cities," E785 explains. "Death will not fix anything, nor will it affect Dr. Xyzagerium. The other humans have nothing to do with Dr. Xyzagerium's doings." 

K209 chuckles to himself, and then narrows his eyes, drilling an imaginary hole between E785's doe eyes. "All of humanity is evil, and I'm doing the job of a janitor." 

E785 sits in front of K209 with no more words to utter. If her words alone could no longer persuade him, then there is nothing to be done, as her body would do her no good. 

"Justice for all the clones, and life disturbed by human beings," K209 exclaims as he raises his right fist, just to slam it down on the explosive weapon to begin the five minute countdown. 

"E785 my dear, the fun begins." 

E785 is thrown over K209's right shoulder as K209 jumps off the roof of the building to a lower one, and the night air finally hits K209's faces, and E785's well, behind. 

Like a child who is finally permitted to play outside after weeks of grounding, K209 runs through the wind with laughter, not as if he were running for the sake of his life and E785's.

But K209 would never harm the ones he deems innocent. He is willing to brutally end the lives of thousands of humans, but would never end E785's life. He has not yet given her a name, nor has he gotten revenge on Dr. Xyzagerium. 

"isn't this so much more romantic than our coffee shop dates?" K209 asks while laughing continuously, running as if he didn't have E785 thrown over his shoulder, as he hops off a two story building effortlessly. 

"I suppose this is a thrilling date, with a life and death situation going on," E785 monotonously replies, having all hints of her sniffling vanish. 

"What happened to the crying and begging me on your knees?" K209 jests. 

"Crying and begging cannot prevent the deaths of thousands." 

"You know me too well. Also, we're nearing the border of the city with 30 seconds left, so it turns out we're going to survive!" 

K209 finds his feet off the brick and concrete paths, in murky, grayish mud. He then places E785 in the mud and sits down next to her, ready to enjoy the view. 

3.. 

2.. 

1.. 

Boom. 

K209 and E785 cover each other's ears as orangeness fills up the night sky, more vibrantly than any fireworks that they've ever seen. From distances beyond the explosion may look small, but K209 chose the perfect spot to see its details. Every little spectacle of flame could be seen, and K209 is overjoyed to be seeing such a beautiful view with his beloved E785.

The world goes silent for a short while, as puffs of gas emit and flow into the sky and the orange colors dim. Before they knew it, the night became darker than before. 

K209 opens his mouth to speak...

and E785 pulls his face in for a kiss. 


 

Alright chop chop I've gotten the storyline down, and now I just need to fill up that word count by continuing on with the scene. So here's the story: 
K209 and E785 are one of the many failures of clones Dr. Xyzagerium wanted to create, which he is trying to make clones of some of his family and friends, who all died in a mysterious bombing in Paris in 2438. K209 was supposed to be his son, and E785 was supposed to be his partner's niece. They're thrown out of the laboratory because K209 was missing a left humerus, and E785 couldn't utilize her legs. K209 and E785 go on an adventure to discover who they were meant to be (they didn't know), and Dr. Xyzagerium's whereabouts. 
The two clones meet when E785 loses her job as the babysitter when the family she worked for finds out of about her suspicious documenting (the clones are undocumented) and K209 is forced to leave a boxing group after overly-brutally beating up an opponent. Some romance is going to be included. 
Eventually, when they did find the doctor's whereabouts, K209 and E785 are horrified to learn the truth, and K209 grows to hate humanity (this I haven't thought about, but I won't include much about in this excerpt, but I got pretty proud of this idea and I might as well write a whole novel with this plot), and here he is, starting a bomb to set the city (haven't decided on exact setting, maybe Paris since it goes well with the mysterious bombing). And here we are with the scene. 

Message to Readers

Yes I'll be accepting Review for Reviews from now on, I've finally completed the first draft of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel free to ask me to review your piece!
Some things I want help with:
- Making my writing more artsy by decorating it with metaphors and literary devices
- Better vocabulary terms
- Fixing up plot holes
Yeah basically everything that can be fixed for a piece of writing. Thanks!


Peer Review

Comparing a clone to an angel is really beautiful, I think. And I like how you twisted to story to where the clones are just like any other human - it's just that they were hurt for being imperfect. Oh, and I just loved the dynamic between K209's stubborn, strong personality and E785's timid, caring personality!


I think all of us have that anger at the rest of the world to some degree, so K209's perspective on life is understandable....he reminds me of a vigilante for clones lol


We got a little backstory on K209 to explain why he's the way he is, but I wouldn't mind a little backstory on E785 too - just so that the reader can glean why she's "softer" than K209 - if that makes sense?


The setting of this sounded like the future? Maybe an alternate reality? Definitely a dystopia with the harsh way clones are treated vs human humans.... I actually also imagined a city whose boundaries are walled...so K209 just burned down the whole city.... very movie-esque and compelling, too :)


I've never read anything like this, and I'm so glad that you wrote it! Now I have a new fantasy world to think about when I'm bored :)
and I love the planning you have going on in your footnotes - I can't wait to see the next draft!!


Reviewer Comments

I hope this helped you somewhat- sorry in advance about the annoying grammar comments :/

I hope you're having a lovely day/night, and I wish you the best of luck in the competition! <3