Peer Review by Huba Huba (United States)

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Searching Within the Fog for Someone

By: Malkiboy


"Catch me if you can!"

We ran. The wind parted my maroon hair, but I did not care. With each jump the distance between us increased. Astonishingly it would not cease.

Yet he halted and lifted his head. Sniffing like a dog, he turned around and gazed into the distance. The process was repeated thrice.

"Why did you stop running?"

He made no reply.

"Johannes?"

Johannes regarded me, but turned around and stared elsewhere.

"Gotcha," I said while touching his shoulder. Not to my surprise but very well to my annoyance he moved not an inch. "Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Hello?"

Silence descended upon us. We stood still, legs and arms tucked in like robots - enslaved to what couldn't be broken. Again we heard the hallow helloes. Now I knew why Johannes had been enchanted.

"Come on then. Aren't we going to look for him?"

"We will," he stated, "but how will we?"

I hadn't understood. Again he looked around and I did the same. How did I miss the fog? How were we to find our way back, let alone find the owner of the sacred voice?

"You can't stay here if you want, but I'm going to look for whoever that person is."

"Marie, don't! Please don't?"

Too late. The journey into the unknown commenced, far away from the midnight eyes, straight gait and curly hair of Johannes.

Often I had dismissed Johannes as less brave as I was, but there were times were his wisdom was perhaps best. And now, all alone and having no idea where to go, I wished I wasn't as headstrong.

"Don't think about such things Marie. You have more important things to do like finding the person."

"
Hello?" I cried, "hello?"

I shouted each time I repeated the word. Why wasn't I getting a response?

"Is someone out there? Please... tell me you're there?"

What had become of the person? Had something happened to them? How could I rest knowing I potentially had the power to prevent something... something fatal happening?

I trudged. Each step my foot sank in the wet substance of the earth. When I would reach home, I'd have to wash my feet, lest I receive a scolding for looking so unladylike.

The angelic voice whispered, "Hello?" The wind carried it directly to my ears. "Can anyone hear me? Please? I don't want to be alone out here."

I reassured the person that I would help them. Their words were more audible. Once I ran in one direction, but the voice became harder to distinguish, so I went back and discerned which way to go.

"I'm coming. Don't fret or fear. Don't worry. I'm coming to help you."

Because of the fog, the rock where I tripped was invisible. My eyes were shut closed. Fear and shock strengthened its power. Had the person not kicked me over, I might've stayed there until Johannes or my parents or a stranger found me. It was necessary that someone come and help whoever was trying to lift my body. I heard their strains of pain, but considering my weight, this person was either feeble or idle.

But they laid their hands on my eyes and wiped away the mud. Then they cleansed my face. 

"I'm sorry," they said, "I can't lift you up. You're too heavy."

The voice belonged to a young girl. We both wore dressed, but this girl had a coat and wore boots; I was simply barefoot. But she smiled, and I couldn't help but smile back too.

I sat up. "Don't be sorry," I told her, "it's not your fault. Besides, you tried, and trying is better than nothing."

I stood up myself. "Who are you?"

"I'm An - I can't say my name."

Frowning, I asked, "Why can't you say your name?"

"Because Mummy said I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Plus the Boogie Man may take me away, and I don't want him to know my name. He could be spying on us and we don't even know it."

"Well, you don't have to say your name if you don't want to. I won't make you say it. But please do tell me what you were doing out here all alone?"

She said that her dog had ran away and she pursued it. But she lost track of it as the fog intruded.

"Don't worry. I'll help you fine your dog."

She reached for my hand; she tightened her wrist. I lead her away, further into the unknown.

Hello! I'm new here and this is my first time publishing something here. I would like someone to review my work and help me navigate my way around here. So if you don't mind, please comment below.

Message to Readers

Any type of review would be nice really. All constructive criticism and feedback helps writing improve.


Peer Review

You make this simple scene of searching for someone in the fog sound so mysterious, and it keeps me going! And this is one of the magic tricks of a great writer; making something ordinary seem extraordinary.


The whole beginning does well with this, how Johannes and Marie seem to be free and happy children, and how Marie is a caring character which is shown through her helping the girl in the fog. However, you should build up more with your characters. What is the relationship between Johannes and Marie? What are some of their habits (for example, character A is never able to tell a joke without laughing, and this would be noted)? What aura surrounds them?


You should expand more on why Marie wanted to be heroic and find the person in the fog for more concept in the story, as so far the excerpt has simply been about being lost in a fog and finding someone (there seems to be a lack of theme). What I was thinking was changing the story so that Johannes is the one who was always dismissed as "brave," and Marie wanted to seem brave in this situation, but then eventually found her decision naive. You don't need to agree with me, this was just a thought.
Overall, the lengths of everything was well planned out, and your writing is good!


So far, I can tell that it's outdoors, obviously, and it gets foggy. This is an area you should focus a little more on, which is describing the setting. As much as how setting could be summed up in one word, it's a lot more important to the story than it seems! It dives into further developed character identity! Perhaps you can give an exact location, reference the place as somewhere Johannes and Marie always plays, etc. Use more imagery and metaphors!


Keep on editing and revising this, and the piece will develop and become awesome-er than how it already is! I'm unsure if you know how to do this, you'd simply go to this piece and click "continue writing" to republish it.
Your writing style is very artsy, and giving this piece a little more thought will polish it well!


Reviewer Comments

I apologize for getting back to your request a little late, I've been rather busy during the past few days. Good luck on the competition, and feel free to reach out to me!
Your friend,
Huba huba (haha yup, a strange username)