Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
The very first sentence drew me in. Raphael just screamed with so much pure agony, the letters themselves seemed to cry out with all the pain he feels. It hurt. It made me feel. And I think that's one of the most important things. Then, I became intrigued at the time period and setting. River and bridge in the woods? Stormdale? Village legends? I'm pulled into something in a distant or past place. I also love POVs where it shows both sides of the same coin, like this. Both of them are hurting so clearly, but for different reasons.
Ordinarily, I might suggest more paragraph breaks. However, the stream-of-consciousness style also works super well. It conveys so much raw hurt and emotion. It just depends on exactly the mood/tone and impact you want to hit the reader with. I really do like the way you wrote it, and it makes sense, like I'm seeing into their minds and their emotions are running wild. On the other hand, more paragraph breaks could make it feel more dramatic. But that's totally up to you, because both styles would stir the deep emotions in a reader and make them ache with sympathy and anguish.
I think you did so well in conveying the conflicting emotions that we humans have. Like you said in your footnotes, I can feel, not just see, how Raphael and Maya want to be friends again, how much they miss and need each other, but also how furious and hurt they both are.
In my opinion, stirring emotion in a reader is one of the most important things that writing can do, especially fiction. It can be any emotion. In this case, it was the agony, the anguish, the visceral pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the longing, the regret, the frustration. You made it REAL. And that, I believe, is a noble achievement. You focused on emotion and made me FEEL it.
Keep writing, please. The world needs words as powerful as these.