Emily r

United States

Message to Readers

anything to continue and to make it even better

Goodbye Dad....

November 17, 2020

     School today was interesting ha,nothing in class lol but a lot of drama.Anyways how are you?.... I wish you could respond.Everyday I look at all the funny goofy loving messages you would send me,the one that haunted me the most the last one you ever sent me .... “I Love you Kiddo.” I miss you dad,Luca,Carl n mom. I wish you could see how far we have come. Maybe you're watching us I- idk. On the bright side.. I think I met a boy:)) his name is Nick, he’s really sweet. I think you would have loved to meet him. Dad.. I miss you so much! Idk if i can do this without you….. 
                                  *delivered at  6:30pm. 3/13/2009*

    Hey honey... you know what I- i can’t anymore. I can't pretend,it's been two years and the grief,the pain, and the restless night haven't gotten any better.The kids… oh the kids miss you so much. Oh oh our favorite moments when you crack your dumb jokes,your awful singing on karaoke night, all the movies nights we have to sit down and watch TITANIC!! Ahahaha. You would get so flustered when we would laugh at you for tearing up like a big baby  whispers * i don't blame you hun* I Love you so so so much, stay safe… wherever you are.

Luca(eldest brother)
      Ya know aren't you supposed to celebrate the life someone lived.. SO WHERE'S THE PARTY?! I don't get it why did u leave me?! I cant sit 40 minutes in the car with mom like all she does is listen to stupid 80’s music,screaming at the top of her lungs NOT SINGING! Who-who’s gonna teach me some cool soccer moves n  relate to having girl trouble (and that happens often!) I remember all the fun and good times we used to have when you were here…. We would stay up late just you n me and watch titanic mom,Emily, Luca and Carl would thing it was stupid but whatever a real man has feeling, and can express them!! I want you to pull the blanket of me when i'm late for scho- ya know what I'm done with this stupid diary. According to my therapist  and my stupid guidance counselor “Its good for grief and stress” but i beg to differ! I'M DONE WITH THIS THING IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING,IT DOESN'T HELP, AND IT DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED!!

    Hey dad, 8th grade is so annoying! There is NO POINT in these teachers making it so hard. If only you could help me... I can't take this. I can't run through the door and give you a big hug,when you get back from long hours at work.I haven't gotten not one 100 percent!.. Cause you were always there to help me and now I’m all alone,I know i have mom and my dumb siblings but its not the same THERE NOT YOU!
             *At this moment Carl thought he was going crazy as he saw his father in the corner of his room…*   
  Dad i-is that really you?! Yes I needed to see you an-and talk to you one last time
                           *Luca jumps out of his bed runs toward his and held him as tight as he could*
I won’t let go cause if i do,you’ll just be gone again and I CAN'T TAKE IT!! *john* listen to me you are stronger than you think, not being able to hug you guys when i get home,not being able to say goodnight for god sakes i didn't even get a proper goodbye and that was the worst moment of life.But..you eventually need to move on you can't just stay stuck in time,change is constant. You can do this,yeah there's gonna be bumps in the road but you push through do u understand me?! I love you buddy…*John lets go of Luca,Luca screams come back... over and over and over again. He woke up almost immediately sweating… *

      *2 years ago*

        I woke up that morning feeling dizzy and so tired, even though I had gone to bed as early as possible the night before. I started driving but the dizziness was overwhelming,I was swerving off the road! I eventually got to work,I went to my office I- I felt so sick I ran to the restroom.. It felt like I was throwing up for hours. Everyone came in and asked questions and if I was okay but I couldn't respond because, i hadn't stopped puking i eventually stopped everyone had to go so i was alone. I somehow managed to use my little bit of strength to get up off the floor and to the sink to clean off. I stumbled my way to the hall toward the offices ...then the coughing began,I couldn't control it. I was eventually coughing up blood. I kept stumbling through the hall then got to the meeting room, blood trailing behind me collapsed and passed out then woke up in the hospital connected to wired praying and repeating the words I DON'T WANNA DIE!!

Emily(eldest sister)

      God I'm so nervous,let me fill you in… I’m meeting Nick's parents for dinner tonight!! I KNOW RIGHT!! … oh yeah i forgot moms coming too. She says” she’s been dying to meet his parents.” But!! I know the only reason she wants to meet them is to see if she can get any dirt on nick.... I HATE this ever since you died she's been more and more observant with us it's kind of I guess overwhelming., but I get it she cant lose anyone else especially us… Do you remember when we used to go on cool little adventures with you, me and luca. We would only be driving to different parks near the house,but you always made it feel like an adventure even if it meant driving through traffic or taking the spooky back roads. You made us feel loved,safe and happy… OMG IT'S 7:30!!! Mom is going to”kill me” if i'm late.. AGAIN!! Love you dad talk later.
                                                  *delivered at 7:31 am 4/15/2009*

     Hey hun… we need to talk. Luca got into another fight,this time at wrestling practice.It keeps getting worse!! It started off with simple bad mouthing then progressed to threats then it got physical.He needs help,ever since you passed h-he hasn't been the same. Ah you guys we so close,do u remember when he was younger how he would copy everything you did. He was a mini you, and when you died a piece of him died the happy, caring funny yet pain in the butt side. He barely comes out of his room,rarely hangs with friends.He needs help john, real help but i don't know what to do I can’t lose him too.... 

Luca(eldest brother) 
   Here we go again. Let's see what this dumb diary can get out of me. Mom and Emily are at Nick's house. Dudei got into a fight today at wrestling,what?! The dude should have stopped staring at me and I got the same old speech over and over again from the coach, the principal and mom. “I get it you lost someone but it's been two years you need to get it together. The thing is they don't get it. I mean maybe mom , but it's not the same. He was the one person who understood me, the one person I felt safe talking to in a time of need. He was my dad… When I lost him I lost myself,maybe writing in these things is what he would've wanted but I would rather be here with him talking and laughing,Because h-he just made my whole world better. 
                            *Lucas goes back to the day his father was first admitted into the hospital*
It was a normal day...well at least for us,woke up,got dressed, rushed downstairs for breakfast then ran to the bus stop. Classes flew by then 8th period came,the classroom phone started ringing so the teacher stopped in her tracks to answer. She was shaking her head, then covered her mouth with her hand, and looked at me with this horrified look,I immediately knew something was wrong so I bolted out of my seat and she told me what had happened. I ran out of the classroom and  saw the rest of my family with tears flooding their eyes… I didn't even know what was to come and I already knew it was going to be the worst day of my life…


     Tears flooded Lucas' eyes. He slammed the book shut,wiped the tears away and put on the same “tough,happy” look in order to get through the day without breaking down..

Carl(youngest brother)
     I  haven't told anyone about my dream… I mean what am I supposed to do?Tell them my deceased father talked to me in a dream,how I was able to feel him?! NO! They’ll think I've gone off the deep end! *sighs* There's something else… that happened weeks ago and I-I haven't seen him in my dreams since but uh I've seen him while i'm awake. So obviously… I did my research,according to the internet it's happening because I'm so young and most vulnerable to seeing things after a traumatic moment in my life especially if things are Rough at home. ” So maybe that's why...n I'm not going crazy. Ya know things aren't going so smooth, I mean moms always yelling I can hear you crying at night… praying she is so worried about us especially luca and if i tell her this it’ll drive her mad I-I don't know what to do....


      I’ve been in the hospital for a week… they still  don't know what's wrong with me, it was out of the blue! When I woke up the first day here,Isobel had her head on the bed and her hand in mine. I turned away so quickly my eyes flooded…I can't lose her, I can’t lose my family. Doctor Marshall came in,waking Isobel. *Isobel* any news? Is he going to be okay? *doctor Marshall* We still don't know what it is that caused this but whatever it is it’s spreading fast.I looked at Isobel.. She was terrified, I turned to the doctor “How much time do I have?” *doctor Marshall*he paused and painfully said a month…. Maybe less. He left us alone for a minute. *Isobel cried out* I won't let this ...thing take u away from me! *john* listen to me there's nothing we can do... I love you so much, the kids too, always!

     The first to see John were Luca and Emily. Carl had to wait until next time because John needed to rest as much as possible. Emily was the first to walk in she rushed towards her fathers side*Emily* Dad, what's going on, what's happening to you?! John struggled to explain so Isobel stepped in*Isobel* We don't know yet sweety… I’m so sorry. Emily hugged her father tight then let go so luca could see him *luca* Dad I- PLEASE I CAN'T LOSE YOU!! Luca begged and begged *luca Faced doctor Marshall* PLEA-PLEASE THERE MUST BE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO?! Tears taking over he managed to mumble *luca*..please I can't lose my best friend, my happiness... They eventually were taken out of the room and went home for now to rest.

Emily(eldest sister)
     UGHHH mom’s taking my phone away for a week!! Just because I had Nick come over to watch a movie while she wasn't home!! But i told her i text you almost everyday so she let me say goodbye for now.* MUAHH* I love You so much dad talk to you soon:))
                                              *Delivered at  5:30pm 6/20/2009

     I am going to “kill our daughter” i'm playing but she's, ugh she is getting on my nerves.On the other hand luca has gotten so much better,happier more outgoing fights are happening less!! He writes in his journal everyday now , he's getting better. I'm getting my boy back. Carl you know him he's less trouble that luca and Emily combines AND HE'S THE YOUNGEST  haha i love you honey i’ll get back to you

Luca(eldest brother)
      Jeez I'm almost out of space in this thing. I decided to continue to write in my journal cause it's what dad would have wanted and in some way it's like I'm talking to him when I write, like my other half is slowly coming back to me.. I NEED ANOTHER JOURNAL haha goodbye for now…

       Carl didnt ever get to say a proper goodbye when he was supposed to, John sadly ended up passing away. Eventually the day dreaming, seeing his father while awake and weird dreams went away and he moved on with his life they all did. Don't stay stuck on one with change is constant eventually u will need to move on,no matter how hard it is….. 


every family is going through grief but in different way here are there perspectives Emily writes text messages  Isobel there mother prays Luca the eldest on journals and Carl is dreaming and daydreaming. And the father would write everyday in a journal and when that time came the family got to read what was going on in his head in that time....


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1 Comment
  • peridot

    wow i absolutely love this! these letters were heartbreaking and the characters seemed so alive and real, if you know what i mean.

    9 days ago