Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
This is my second draft! Still working on cutting down the word count though.
A HUGE THANK YOU to:
anemoia & lattes (#dreams of autumn)
You guys gave such detailed reviews. They were so so helpful!
I still need feedback! I will honor review for review, but comments are just as helpful and greatly appreciated. Thank you so so much!
Also I am looking for title ideas!
I really like the relationship between the child-hood friends Tallis and Ladell, it really feels real and draws the reader into the story and the characters' personalities. I also like the pirate trope, and that it's set (at least this bit is) on an island.
The dialogue between Tallis and Ladell is very realistic. I like Ladell's resposibility for keeping her crew safe and being a good captain. One thing I'm very curious about is the characters' ages? They seem to act like they're in their late teens, but could also be young adults, including that could help readers relate more, and understand how long Ladell has been a pirate.
A flash-back to even a snippet of dialogue from when Tallis and Ladell were friends could help us understand what they are reminiscing back to.
Including some people in the market would definitely make it feel more alive. I got a sense that it was kind of abandoned, but after just referencing back to it, you said it was busy, maybe that was just a mistake on my behalf, but if you made it more obvious of how busy or crowded it was that could be good. And idea could possibly be kids playing marbles or something, people drinking soft-drink, if they have it on that island, a store owner weaving a basket, or anything else like that. This would give the reader an idea of what to imagine for this crowded market. Something I wasn't sure about was the temperature, so more detail (E.G. Sweltering hot, slightly chilly, mild.) could help get more into the scene.
This was over-all a really good story excerpt, I enjoyed reading it and you definitely have skill. Keep writing (duh) and your writing will be even better.
I hope this review helps you in your writing and editing process! It was fun to write, and very fun to read your story.
Also, in terms of a name for it, I have a few ideas:
The Merchant Ship,
Ladell and Tallis ,
Chaos On The High Seas,
A Golden Eyed Pirate, (that one was my favorite.)
Of course you don't have to use any of these, and I like the name On The Hight Seas, but you were looking for ideas and I had some. I hope this helps!