Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
The excerpt starts off with a bang, "I wake with a start". It immediately pulls you into the action, and wakes your reader up. It then slows down to describe the protagonist's position. This piece gives an interesting, otherworldly POV on a theme, that I feel, has been well explored.
It's the matter of fact way that the unnamed character talks t the reader. She describes her situation in a way, that I feel, a teenager would describe it now.
I feel that we could, 1, know more about what our character is like. For example, describe about how she got into this position; how did her parents die? Does she know anyone else in the sewers?
And 2nd, we don't know that much about what her surroundings look like. You can simply use a few sentences to describe her environment.
If a scene could be expanded, I would say the scene with her plowing. What are those creatures like? Are they animals, or vegetables? And, when she plows, I would like to know more about what she does. Does she have a specific task?
For background info, I think you could even have flashback scenes of when she was taken underground. Perhaps she vividly remembers when she saw her parents killed; maybe her mother was wearing a necklace that our character made for her, or perhaps the father always wears a silly tie, simply to please his daughter. Or maybe she remembers what she sees as she is taken underground. Maybe she remembers the bright pink of some fruit as she walks down, or perhaps everything is blurred. Little details can help bring vivacity to a story.
Yes, and no. I know it is in the sewers (because of the title), but I feel like I can't really picture what it looks like.
To help transport your reader, add in little details. These may seem useless, but they can actually help your reader to visualize where your character is. Maybe add in the constant dripping of some water from a raindrop. Perhaps there's always a slight smell of rotten eggs. Maybe there's always a carpet of mildew over where your character sleeps, and that reminds her of something from her childhood, ex, a summer picnic with her parents.
You're doing well! Your piece is unique, interesting, and has a strong plotline, that just needs a little developing. Your character is plausible, and I feel connected to her. Well done!
I have only 1 real thing to talk about. As you would have noticed, I've found quite a few grammatical errors in your piece, most of which are past/present issues. Don't worry though! I have trouble with those allll the time. I think writing in present tense is a lot more difficult to past, at least it is for me. I just feel more comfortable writing in past. You decide what tense feels most comfortable for you. Of course, you can easily hone whatever tense you don't feel as comfortable with, and get better at writing that. Either change your tense to past, or simply change all the other words to present.
And that's all! I hope this is a helpful review, and good luck for the competition!
Keep Writing ^_^