Peer Review by Cosmogyral (United States)

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Lonely Enough To Be Lovely

By: Ai-shah


~Lonely Enough To Be Lovely by Aishah~ 

That secret must be kill Hyun Soo

Tae Chi was the one most present to deal with the police.

She'd been the one to file a missing person case for Aurora while the family sat in the living room, listening to Tae Chi's trembling voice informing the police about Aurora's absence.

The next couple of days saw their TV playing only news coverage and nothing else. Hyun Soo and the Ji family have seen the news report on Aurora's case five times in count.

Rin Chan had resided in either his man cave or the living room during that couple of days, not anywhere else. Sure, Aurora may not be his blood related child but he's one to treat Aurora as equal as his own blood related daughter. And yes, Rin Chan somewhat gets the idea where Aurora came from, so he tries not to be nosy in any way about Aurora's past.

Tae Chi had only been drinking wine, either from a wine glass or straight from the bottles. She stumbled around the house, lounging in her bed but never entered Aurora's room. Tae Chi couldn't take it, she couldn't take the disappearance of the youngest. While Marissa had always been Tae Chi's child and Aurora had always been Hyun Soo's, it would still tear Tae Chi apart to have either one or both harmed.

Marissa had completely abandoned her phone, using it only to try and call Aurora for the umpteenth time. She knew her efforts would be pointless, Aurora had either lost her phone or the battery of her phone died off. Nevertheless, she still tried her very best to get in touch with Aurora. Marissa then paced in front of the door, stared out the front window and went to the balcony to observe any passing figures wearing red.

Hyun Soo had spent most of her time in the garage, frantically trying to externally fix Aurora's tracking chip that had been implanted in Aurora's brain. Hyun Soo knew that it had sustained damage to which only Aurora knew she received from her last moment alive. Hyun Soo then tried ever so desperately to get Aurora's coordinates.

It has been more than twenty four hours since Aurora Lee has gone missing. A call came in from the police station.

Tae Chi answered it.

"Hello?"

"Ji Tae Chi?"

"Yes?"

"Detective Yoon Mi Rae speaking. There's been...an update."

"We have found a hand buried near the forest next to your neighborhood," Mi Rae spoke. "The Forensic's tested it and the result shows a exact match of Aurora Lee's DNA."

The well-lit room saw colors of expressions. Tae Chi had slowed her tears, Rin Chan had looked uncomfortable, Marissa had looked sorrowful and Hyun Soo...had almost looked lost for the first time in her life. She looked desperately lost without Aurora by her side.

Now at the moment in the garage, there were no new projects littering the counters, not even Aurora's and Hyun Soo's projects were there. The counter was totally emptied for the time being.

Hyun Soo suddenly stormed into the garage, slamming the door behind her. Hyun Soo then stomped over to her workbench, glaring daggers at the table and the objects on said surface. She paused, reeling with the new information. The eighteen year old girl was in her shaky form.

"Why Aurora!" Hyun Soo yelled. She flailed her long arm, striking the data receiver to Aurora's tracking chip. The device shot off the table and dropped to the concrete floor below, shattering into a million pieces. Hyun Soo saw what she had done, saw all the progress erased. She had just taken a hundred steps back and away from finding Aurora, her one and only daughter who came into her life to changed her for the better.

"...No," Hyun Soo breathed and her composure cracked from there. "NO!!!"

Hyun Soo fell to the ground and picked up a fist of the broken metal and glass. Blood oozed out of her clenched palm as she ran her other hand through her wavy hair.

"I-I can fix it, I swear, I-I-I can fix this!" Hyun Soo growled. She stood up and dropped the small bits of the device on the desk, then she scooped up the remaining and plopped them down there as well.

Hyun Soo had a manic look in her eyes as she stared down at the broken contents of what used to be Aurora's data receiver. "I-I-I'm Hyun Soo! Lee Hyun Soo and I will find you Aurora! Aurora Lee my daughter, my freaking daughter!"

Uncharacteristic tears were streaming down Hyun Soo's face and apparently, the girl had no idea that she was crying up until the point where the tears fell from her cheeks to the very table. With that, she end her reign of breakdown by wiping those uncharacteristic tears off the table and make her way towards the shelve. The shelve was filled with boxes of unused parts, tools and broken devices to which Hyun Soo had the intention of using them again in the near future. Her long arms help her to reached for something very deep inside, a box that contain explicit contents only for Hyun Soo and Aurora to refer. Hyun Soo doesn't even care about the dust surrounding that box and went on to touch that box.

"It's time for me to uncover you Aurora, your past and the reason why you are with me till this day."

If Aurora was there, she would have gently led Hyun Soo away from her work, taken Hyun Soo to her room, set the girl down on her side, brought her a bucket for her to throw up in and laid there happily in Aurora's arms when the girl inevitably requested her to do so.


Message to Readers

Hi Everyone!

Hope all of you enjoy my first fiction story, there will also be a surprise later on so stay tuned!

Yours faithfully,
Aishah


Peer Review

It's an engaging story, like, really, some things were hard to pass by grammatically, but dude, I have So. Many. Questions!
How is Marissa so ready to give up??? How is Hyun Soo suddenly going from distant character to panicking?!?! There is so much more I want to read, but no, you had to go and end it there!


There's actually not enough light on the main character, I get the feeling that the family is in a desperate and dire situation, but the main character seems out of focus in comparison to the side characters. The biggest thing is about Hyun Soo, is there a picture of her and Aurora in the garage? If there was, are they hugging each other, and what is Hyun Soo talked to that picture instead of incoherently to herself?


Indications! I'll go more into it in the next question set, but for now, pick up the sense of urgency to each character, engage your reader, but be sure to make it realistic. The author's own thoughts mingle with the plot clearly, and I'm not yet sure if it's a good or bad thing, but be careful not to let your own voice distract the reader from the characters. There's something casual about this piece, in a good way that says you're comfortable with the genre, and confident too. But it also mixes with the intended communication of the characters.
I'd actually like to know a bit more about a=Aurora, too. Does she smile a lot? What is it about here that makes these people so unhappy about her disappearance from their lives?


The overall tone could use a little more communication on the sense of urgency, it's harder to judge the genre from movies, where you have sound indicators. Have a character widen their eyes, or space off in their daily life, small indicators of how the plot affects each character. I'm not that confident in my geography, but I'd take a gander of Western to SouthWest Asia? I think of the family in a big city where the hustle and bustle of the day disrupt the case, but you say there is a forest, so not a place too big, maybe even a suburbian sort of city.


The piece lacks a bit of finesse, but you've got a great start! Keep hold you your novel and it'll develop beautifully!


Reviewer Comments

Don't get sidetracked by separate plots of characters, if you stray too far, the piece will become disconnected. Happy writing!

An indication of the initial word count (Minus the added title at the beginning) would be a helpful indicator to the reviewer of what they should suggest, it's just so we can keep in mind the initial wordcount while typing our suggestions, you don't have to, but if you do, feel free to type it into the footnotes. :)

I apologize for nitpicking, but this is such a good plot to try out, and I am so happy I read it, if you find yourself with the time, please post this from chapter one!