Paisley Blue

United States

they/them | 6.2.2020
genderfluid | christian

Message to Readers

Republished because between school and theater I have no free time anymore.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to write some new stuff. Until then... <33

i've lost her but i still refuse to let her go

November 2, 2020



from a distance, i still recognize her, but when i move closer,
i don't recognize those lines around her eyes. her hair is streaked with so much grey
that i don't see the life it used to hold
and when i see her i'm only reminded of how she left,
how she shut us out, how she shut the doors behind her
and i still feel the deep grief of how it used to be
the life when we were kids and we didn't have to worry
and losing someone was saying goodbye for now
permanence was a dream, like the unicorns and fairies
we all pretended to be. but we grew up, and life has made its mark
and pulled her from my arms, ripping away the ideals
of the days when her house was mine, and her voice was
as familiar as the droning of the radio late at night,
trying not to fall asleep on the car rides home
golden mornings of smoothies made with vegetables that we protest against
movies and games and birthdays, spent as one,
until weeks that pass without them are unusual
but all that fell apart when she pulled on the seams,
tugging the threads that kept us together
and years of gentle love came crashing to the ground
when she walked out of the door

yet she's not gone from my heart, grown calloused from years apart
i still crave her presence, holding on to shreds of a dream
and maybe someday we'll meet in the middle, strangers
waiting to know each other once more
but until that day, she'll stay in the back of my memory
whispers of a better time

So... this piece was a little bit hard to write. Years ago, my godmother and godfather were divorced. She left, and distanced herself from all their mutual friends, including me and my family. She had been a huge part of my life--like I said in the poem, i was raised with their kids. They were my family in all ways but blood. 
I've tried to stay in contact with her, but I'm starting to realize that she doesn't know me. We haven't talked past small-talk in years. It really hurts to realize that. So... This is me trying to work through that grief of losing someone from my childhood. 
Hope all of your days are going well <33


See History
  • November 2, 2020 - 5:54pm (Now Viewing)

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  • sunny.v

    re: ya no problem! and that's totally understandable tbh. 'tis nighttime over here! also, we just need nevada to go blue also MINNESOTA BLUE WOOHOOOOO

    11 months ago
  • sunny.v

    re: eeeh not really what acab means though. i'm not sure if the hyperlink to norah's comment still works, but that piece does a real good job at explaining the nuances of acab. acab isn't a generalization like your dog example, it's more of...something that doesn't mean exactly what it says. i'm sure your father is an awesome person, and in fact, i think there are many, many good people who are cops. but the police system is one that was made to specifically harm black people--that's what its literal origins were back in the day. to enforce jim crow laws. now, today, of course it has become extremely less racist! are cops hunting black citizens? well, no. but the system's roots are still noteworthy. the police system makes it so that cops get off with way less repercussions than they should for harming minorities. i really really do not believe police are policed (ha) nearly enough as they should be. so for that, i believe the policing system is corrupt. does a corrupt system mean that all cops are corrupt? of course not. but just as i know not all cops are bad, what acab means is that the system in which they are in is emphatically corrupt (i.e. "bastardized"--that's where bastards come from) so even if you are a good person and you are in that profession, you're upholding a system that can harm minorities with little to no repercussions. it's kind of like...let's take assassins as a metaphor. the job of an assassin is one that inherently lacks empathy. do all assassins lack empathy? no, they're real people with real emotions. but if you are an assassin, you're upholding a profession that lacks empathy.
    hope that makes sense. don't worry, i didn't see it as an argument. i'm totally fine with having chill discussions like this with friends. gosh dang that was a piece made a long time ago. no digs to your dad btw he seems like a lovely dude

    11 months ago
  • pluto-

    Wow. This is so painful. But, like, so _beautiful_. It's...WOW. This is seriously so amazing!

    Also, thank you for the follow! <3

    11 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Oh my gosh this is freaking gorgeous. I'm exhausted and therefore terrible at communication, but I'm in awe of your writing and the way you dragged beauty out of your pain. <3 <3 <3

    11 months ago
  • lochnessie


    11 months ago
  • Rose A

    I'm sorry for that loss. It especially hurts to lose someone when you still know them and see them. BUtt heyyyy, Good art can always come from tragedy. That doesn't make it hurt less, but it helps clean the wound. And, it's a good poem. Very beautiful!

    11 months ago
  • dead account

    <3 <3 <3

    11 months ago
  • AccountA


    11 months ago
  • AccountA

    thank you so much for the comment on my piece!!! its really good to know that other people feel the same way about these things.

    11 months ago
  • pyrrhic

    re: thank you so much for the feedback!! i'm so glad you like it! i am kinda proud of this one :)

    11 months ago
  • pyrrhic

    i understand this kind of heartbreak far too well and i'm sorry you do, too. it's not easy. i'm glad you're coping, though. while the pain itself can be unbearable, at least you're creating something beautiful from it. much love xx

    11 months ago
  • dead account

    re: lily was the GOAT fite me, she had her faults, but dang she was the friend everyone wanted

    11 months ago
  • dead account

    re: aaaaaaaaaah bruh, you're one of my best friends on here, despite knowing you for only a lil' bit. i'll be there to support you, too.

    11 months ago
  • dead account

    hhhh i wish i could like this twice

    11 months ago
  • .amelia.

    Beautiful poem! And, i'm sorry you had to go through losing someone dear to you :p
    Stay strong!!

    11 months ago
  • RulerofMYworld

    I love this. It is so beautiful <3<3

    11 months ago
  • Lata.B

    Oh I'm so sorry. This was a beautifully put poem. Like SunV said maybe start over? Something great might come out of it. Maybe you'll get her back? :)

    11 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    oh wow... this really hit all the sad chords with me great work on the piece and I'm rlly sry about the footnotes <33

    11 months ago
  • SunV

    This poem is so heartbreaking, and reading the footnotes just elevated heartbreaky-ness. Know that sometimes people we love we tend to lose, but you will never truly be strangers until you stop loving each other. One of my friends in US and I barely know each other, and we haven't spoken in over 4 years, but I still ask my mom from time to time how she's doing, because she knows her mom, and I think, for me, that's enough.

    If you really want her back in your life, maybe start over. Try finding common ground, like maybe favourite food. You'll get there :)

    11 months ago