almost flora kane

United States

my pen name is flora kane. i'm a slytherin, infp-t, christian, and generally insane. joined 3.30.2018.

~ will do reviews on request ~

currently hoping i don't lose anyone else.

Message to Readers

going to be deleted when i wake up sometime and realize i shouldn't have said anything and that this'll make people feel worse about themselves while i feel worse about myself. i understand that my problems are nothing compared to what others are going through, but this is all i've ever known. sorry again. not looking for pity. not allowed to cry or my mother will send me to bed.

internal ramblings of someone who is so stupid they don't believe they're enough.

October 28, 2020

FREE WRITING

10
You look at me and you see “smart” plastered on my forehead. A’s tattooed up and down my arms. You look at the gradebook again and you wonder how you could ever succeed like me. It doesn’t matter if you do, or don’t. We both cry, for different reasons. 

I’m constantly afraid that I’ll mess it up. I’ll break the streak and that’ll be the end of my spotless reputation as the best. No, I’m not the best, and I could never believe it, but maybe if I kill myself trying to get #1 out of the class somebody else will tell it to me enough times it’ll sink in. It never does. Some days I feel powerful. Other times, it only takes an hour, five minutes, two seconds, for me to shut down. 

I can’t do it, I say. 
Yes, you can, says everyone else. They yell out my accomplishments, and what they wish they had, while I drown in what I can’t continue. 

If I get an average of ninety, my GPA will go down by a fraction. I can’t get more than two questions wrong on this test, or my average will go down, and I’ll have to do extra credit. I don’t have time to do extra credit, I can’t get anything wrong. 

You got a seventy on this practice, be vague about it. Lie, if you have to. You’re not allowed to do worse than them. You have to be better, the best. You won’t be the best if you don’t go above and beyond, if you don’t get a 100. People will look at you weird if you get a B. If they know you did worse than them, they’ll make fun of you to make themselves savor the moment they beat you. Don’t let that happen. Even if it “doesn’t matter” they talk.

I have to do better, to stay off the radar. If I do worse, it’ll stick in their heads. If I do worse, they’ll hang it over my head forever. Have to do this extra practice, can’t ask for help, have to do better than yourself. 

You don’t have anything else, this is what they know you for. If you’re not “smart” you’re normal and weird at the same time. If you’re not an all-A student, you sink into the background. The people who already don’t notice you, won’t notice you at all, they won’t have a chance. You’ll be too weird to be popular, too popular to be weird, and live in the averages for the rest of your life. A smile isn’t going to make people remember you. You have to be in first place. You have to do something big enough to make a difference or make the papers. You have to be more than just a good friend, that isn’t enough to make an impression, and definitely not enough to gain authority, influence, and importance.

I don’t want anyone to hurt, and so I must do enough so that they trust my judgement. I can’t take a compliment, then I’m arrogant. Too late, I’m not humble. Broken, but not broken. Not as broken as them. Why do I still feel it?

You’ve never even felt grief. You can feel it coming, though. You can’t do one thing right. Not enough of one thing, too much of the other. Damn it all. 

No, truly, I’m just constantly afraid. Never using my time right doesn’t help. Neither does talking to people. 

Mess it up again, why don’t you? 

No matter what logic says, I’m still going to be a nobody. Or a somebody. But not a “it’s you!”


I’m sorry. I don’t deserve anything with this kind of attitude.
going to be deleted when i wake up sometime and realize i shouldn't have said anything and that this'll make people feel worse about themselves while i feel worse about myself. i understand that my problems are nothing compared to what others are going through, but this is all i've ever known. sorry again. not looking for pity. not allowed to cry or my mother will send me to bed. 

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  • October 28, 2020 - 9:52pm (Now Viewing)

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12 Comments
  • anemoia (#words)

    <3<3<3 a little late to this one, i am. but there is nothing wrong with expressing yourself. we can't compare problems. i feel a lot of the things you say in this piece.
    but hey—it's gonna be okay. the sun comes back.


    6 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    re: awww thank you so much! I'm glad you liked that line--I think that was my favorite too ;) Hope you're having a wonderful day, dear! :)


    6 months ago
  • Stumbling Conundrum

    Re: It was no problem, I loved doing it! I absolutely LOVE your work, and was so happy to contribute to your journey. If you ever need someone to review anything else, please feel free to comment on anything of mine; I will get it back to you as soon as I can! Please, keep doing what you're doing, you are fantastic! <3


    6 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    gosh i understand this feeling... don't be sorry. you haven't done anything--no, you have put words perfectly to this feeling. no pity here, just empathy i totally get this. praying for you, dear <33 stress is the worst and i definitely understand. <33


    6 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    i think the past comments get it about right, you're definitely not alone in any of this. personally, i can relate to this so much. it sometimes feels like i have no expectations for myself, but i substitute that with the expectations of other people and a fear of not measuring up to them. problems aren't meant to compared, we all feel things as strongly as each other no matter why. to be a bit presumptuous, i think a good thing to remember is that "no one is special". to clarify, someone might be "smart" and another might be "sporty" and another person could know how to knit well. we are all superior and inferior to one another in some kind of way. so no matter the expectations other people put onto you, no matter if you're smart or sporty or good at knitting, no matter anything you did wrong or right before, the only thing that really matters is the decision you make after that, the step you take next. sorry about the rambling, but i guess you made me feel a lot better. if you'd like to unpublish this, go ahead, but remember you can always "view your piece" and look back at the comments if you ever feel alone. you've got a whole community for you, and writing for catharsis really helps. may the next decision you make bring you happiness!


    6 months ago
  • rwong

    please don't delete!! first off, it's beautifully written; all the metaphors are beautiful. secondly, this is literally. how. i. feel. and you've just penned my thoughts, and let me know that i'm not alone. that's amazing. and surprisingly comforting too. so thank you. <3


    6 months ago
  • BMW28

    Don't delete it! People need to here this. I needed to hear this. It's refreshingly relatable and also wonderfully written. School is hard. While it might not be the hardest thing in the world, it can still be a lot. Don't feel bad about writing about it. Self expression is important and not the same as asking for pity. Nothing is off limits in art.
    You did a great job of this. I related to this on a personal level and found it comforting.

    P.S. I love your pen name.


    6 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Oh shoot... I get this. Not gonna give you my whole life story or anything, just gonna say that you're not alone in feeling this way. And just because other people experience "worse", it doesn't invalidate the fact that you're feeling it as something very big and real. And that's okay.


    6 months ago
  • Wisp

    Okay first off - Beautifully written, the emotions are just so well written that it's like you can feel them yourself. You take us through your journey of being top student and getting trampled by all the pressure, and I can feel it in my core. I can feel the emotions, the rawness, the pain, the - well - everything. It's just so poignant.
    Second - Pity isn't what I would describe when I read this piece, because it definitely wasn't what I thought of at all. I would moreso say empathetic, because I get that pressure. I can't say our experiences are the same, but I've beaten myself up more than once for failing tests and getting a B on my report card. There is just so much pressure enshrouding your vision, and you are just laser focused on that A. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about if it even matters at all, because does it? Does it even matter if we get A's or not? I like to joke around with my friends that I'll drop out if I fail, but sometimes I wonder if there's some truth behind those words. Not helping not helping I know, but reading this piece relinquished all these thoughts inside.
    Third - Honestly, I really don't think you should delete this piece. It's really reassuring and helpful to people - like us - who put too much pressure on ourselves. It puts everything into retrospect and it really makes you stop and just wonder. I really adored it and I really don't think you should delete it, but if you choose to, I respect your decision all the same.
    All the best to you and thank you for this.


    6 months ago
  • sci-Fi

    Don't delete this! We're not pitying you, we understand. Pressure can be a lot sometimes. I know whenever I get below an A on something all I can see is my mother's disappointed face. But "smartness" and grades don't matter, what matters is if you are interesting and unique, and I KNOW you are. Sleep off the stress. Sweet dreams <3


    6 months ago
  • JustAnotherDarling

    no pity, not an ounce - i promise! but lots of hugs and support <3
    (and darling, we're all so different that it's impossible for you to be average... i don't know you personally, but i am 200% sure that you are a magnificent, unique, beautiful human being <3)


    6 months ago
  • mirkat

    nonnono do not delete this! i know what you mean and i'm not gonna pity you. i sometimes feel like the pressure is too much.... so, i get you and that's it. keep on writing and you are enough to the wtw community and to me. sweet dreams! <3 <3 <3


    6 months ago