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Message to Readers
---- Please provide me with whatever feedback you feel fit ----
As someone who loves anime (Yuri on Ice! and Tokyo Ghoul are my faves!), I found this piece super relatable. Anime is just an incredible art-form, and there's a certain spontaneity and hilarity to it that isn't replicable in live-action (Tokyo Ghoul movie case in point). This essay was very well-written: your organization was on-point, and the piece as a whole was well-structured and concise. I love it!
Your thesis statement, or your main message, is super clear throughout this piece, and I think you could ground it a little more solidly in your introductory paragraph to match the rest of the essay. Your first paragraph gave me an excellent idea of how extensive anime is, but as a reader, I felt like I was being catapulted into a long list I couldn't quite make sense of at first. To help clarify this, consider restructuring your paragraph to give readers a good gist of what'll happen in your essay. I don't want to seem like a grouchy old English teacher with dust stuck in my nose or something, but a generally helpful skeleton to keep in mind is 1. A interesting topic sentence (i.e. Out of all my loves in life, anime, or Japanese animation, has stayed with me the longest...) which leads into... 2. A little elaboration (i.e. What is anime?) Here's a great place to throw in your great list of how extensive anime is 3. And then your thesis statement (i.e. This is a really stupid example, and I'm sure you can write it much better, but "I love anime because 1. ______, 2. ________, 3.________") Another thing I would suggest is to consider strengthening your transitions between paragraphs. Now, this is a really hard thing to do, and I myself still struggle with thinking up good transitions. It's just so tempting to slap on a "Firstly" and a "Secondly" and a "Thirdly" and be done with it like a crappy PowerPoint presentation or those timecards from Spongebob. But, don't worry! I'm here to help. A little trick I like to use is to think of the last sentence of a paragraph as having a cute tail that leads into the first sentence of the next paragraph. I hope this isn't too confusing, but the tail can be anything, really, as long as it ties in smoothly to the next paragraph. For instance, when you end your second paragraph with a sentence about forgetting time while watching anime, you could try beginning the third paragraph with something like this, "And when my mom kindly reminds me of the timer that's long gone off, I can't help but ponder over what makes anime so entrancing, so captivating to me." Of course, that's just a suggestion, and you totally don't have to write it that way. Write it anyway you like, but keep the little tail analogy in mind, and I'm sure it'll turn out great! You could also consult a list of transition words, as this one (https://writingcenter.unc.edu/tips-and-tools/transitions/). I don't usually like to use those, since they sound so mind-boggingly template-like, but they're great for reference and first drafts. And lastly, I'd really love to see some more vivid examples. You provide a great example in paragraph 2, about Astro Boy and his impact on you, and I'd love to see you sprinkle more concrete examples as these throughout your essay. This was an awesome essay, and I absolutely loved it. Writing essays can be frustratingly hard. Just remember that nothing has to be perfect from the first draft, and revision (accompanied with breaks and snacks, of course) can make a piece go a long way.
Keep up the fantastic writing! I'd love to read this piece again if you choose to revise it, and as always, feel free to ask any questions. I'll be happy to answer them! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧