Wisp

United States

i still dream of you

est. 26.9.19

Message to Readers

Honestly, I'm not even that fat, but the way society prides skinniness just takes an attack on your mental health. And this is my story of toxicity when it comes to the way we perceive beautiful people. I've been struggling with this all my life, and I've finally been able to get rid of it, but I can't help but feel it creeping back.

You Call Yourself Fat

October 29, 2020

FREE WRITING

25

Trigger Warning: Body issues

The word fat rolls off your shy tongue. It stings your gums and tastes like acid. Foreignity surrounds the word and when you bite down on it, you feel the single syllable crunch under the weight of your teeth. 

You grab the skin on your stomach, squeezing the excess fat in your hands. There's that word again. This time it feels like shame, and when you say it, you recoil in devastation. You have associated yourself with this word and it burns marks into your skin. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you suck in your gut and hold your breath, thinking that if you were this skinny people would call you pretty. And soon you're suffocating, and you exhale, your gut falling back into place. You pull on a shirt, your gut protruding through the fabric and you suck it in again.

You go to sleep at night praying that you'd lose weight. You squeeze the hanging extensions of your body and wear monotone colors to keep others from seeing how fat you are. When it's picture day, you suck in your gut, to look a little skinnier and when you try in clothes at the store, you recoil at the image of yourself. You watched an episode on TV, and vowed that one day you'd go a full day without eating, because you thought of it as an accomplishment, not a risk to your growing body. You never went a full day without eating, but sometimes you lay in bed at night and feel the way your double chin drags you down. 

Stretch marks plant roots in the soil that is your body. They stretch around your legs, red marks climbing for sanctity. When you show your mom, she tells you you're too young to have them. Your heart drops and right from the start you've learned to be ashamed of your newfound marks. 

As you grow older, these marks keep growing. You don't wear shorts anymore, scared that these marks will show, scared that others will see the way your thighs jiggle when you run. So when you go out for a jog (ironic, right?) you're so scarred that you force yourself to run in jeans. The only reason being that you don't want the fat on your thighs to show, you don't want the stretch marks to show, you don't want to see the judgement in others' eyes. And when it's summer, you suffer in your stifling jeans. (You don't even wear sweats, for you hate the way they show your figure.) You sweat and sweat, feeling the way beads of perspiration drip down your forehead. And you've never hated how chubby your cheeks are, but now when you look in the mirror, they're all you see. You slap hands against your face and try to squish the skin in. 

Tears stain your pillow and you cry, thinking that if you starve yourself, you'll finally become skinny enough. Your jeans are too tight, and they're only a reminder of the weight you've gained. 

You have an obsession with the scale, every morning you wake up and check your weight. And when it's time to go to bed, you check it again. Your heart drops with every increase of the number. And you've gained such an obsession that you place the scale on the carpet, because you know that when you do, your weight number is less than it actually is. 

You call yourself fat.

---

You go on a diet with your dad, fasting and exercising on the daily. You've watched as the number on the scale has decreased and suddenly your clothes have become a little baggy. You watch TV, and this time your mind isn't berating you with words like fat, it isn't telling you that you should be outside exercising. Your mind isn't making you feel bad for what you're doing. 

You run outside in the summer and this time you're not afraid of wearing shorts. The sun beams on your unprotected legs, and you watch as it encompasses your skin. For the first time, you feel free. 

Your obsession with the scale has slowly relinquished, and at night you dream of yourself for who you are. No longer is your mind filled with the images of yourself with a skinny body, for the first time you see yourself in all your entirety. You smile in your sleep, no longer do tears stain your pillow. 

The word fat rolls off your tongue, it stings a little, but it tastes sweet. You even smile a little. It feels like someone scrubbed you raw and showed you how beautiful you are in the mirror. The word fat ordains you, and you feel alive for the first time. No longer do you recoil at the syllable. 

You call yourself fat
And you wear it with pride. 

 
Hi hi hi!!! 
So body issues, feeling sorta weird about it and all, so here's a little piece I whipped up. I've been feeling, well -- fat -- these last few days and I wanted to write these feelings on a page. This is my story and if anyone feels the same way, I hope you realize that you aren't alone.    

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  • October 29, 2020 - 11:53am (Now Viewing)

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13 Comments
  • Mpm#1

    Woah


    5 months ago
  • antizoeclub

    re: thank you so much <33 (also i love this piece!!)


    6 months ago
  • crystalline•galaxies

    i can't believe i missed you posting this! it's such a powerful meaning, and the way you executed it is absolutely stunning. i can't read it in detail now, but i can definitely assure you that i will be doing so later on.
    re: even your comments are poetic. i can't believe how much time you take to go into each piece you comment on, and i look forward to them. whenever i see that you've commented, i go as fast as i can to read it and it never fails to make me smile. so thank you so much.


    6 months ago
  • dream02

    Re: aww thx! That really means a lot!


    6 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: Oh this is the piece that nudged me to write about it! I couldn't remember which one it was. So thank YOU actually.


    7 months ago
  • dream02

    OMIGOSH. This is me. Like legit. A year ago, I was size 11 and hated it. I rarely looked in a full size mirror. Now, I bought a pair of jeans size 7. Felt amazing but I hate how I lost the weight. Also hate how I look a bit still. Thank you so much I needed this today. <33


    7 months ago
  • Anlee

    danngg this speaks volumes about body image issues. the stretch mark part is super relatable because its one of my insecurities (not extreme though, just a little embarrassed). such an impactful and uplifting piece <33


    7 months ago
  • Rachaelgrace

    Wow, this is so good! Thank you for writing it


    7 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    This is so so beautiful. The stanza about stretch marks hit extra hard for me. Thanks for writing this.


    7 months ago
  • JustAnotherDarling

    the transformation in how "fat" is perceived.... AMAZING! im so wrapped up in this piece, i hope i never escape the wondrousness of it :)


    7 months ago
  • pyrrhic

    i really felt this. this is something i've struggled with for a long time... thank you this. <33 sending love


    7 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    i really get this... <33 wonderful piece


    7 months ago
  • DarkRaven808

    Wow this is beautiful. The imagery is vivid and the story is emotional. Great work!


    7 months ago