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Message to Readers
any sort of feedback that can help me improve and highlight what i have done well :)
This piece was fantastically eerie, especially since there is a very real pandemic making waves around the world. And technology getting out of hand? That was a fear expressed by late physicist Stephen Hawking, and I loved how you incorporated that into your piece and interwove it with an overarching virus. Absolutely captivating.
Considering the 300-word limit, I think you did an amazing job on this piece. You've condensed so much compelling information, and the overall flow created a terrifying climax at the end.
However, I think this piece could be even more impactful if you considered expanding your descriptions of the virus' effect on the world. You mention how the virus' effects are signified by the yellow glow around victims' eyes, and how it substantially alters people's souls. These sentences are gripping, but I'd love to know more! How about a horde of victims, spitting code, screaming at the narrator? A description of the narrator's horror at finding his/her friends' faces among the blind horde? Despair, desperation, terror. That's totally up to you to explore! The key thing to remember is to "Show, not Tell." It's a phrase I've learned from Grade 1 while writing awful, awful "picture-books" with gibberish scribbles and stuff, but it's stayed with me ever since. Rather than telling the reader outright, try showing the reader your mental image through powerful sentences backed up by vivid imagery. You can find fantastic examples in Ray Bradbury's The Illustrated Man, which is a collection of scary sc-fi stories absolutely jam-packed with eerie, frightening details.
I've also noticed that there are multiple run-on sentences throughout the piece, where you have independent clauses cobbled together with commas, rather than separated. Don't get me wrong, run-on sentences, though grammatically incorrect, can be very powerful, especially since you appear to be using a narrator's thought process to convey this story. The conjoined phrases simulate the narrator's thoughts, as they melt and flow into each other. Yet, I would suggest being cautious in your use of run-on sentences, as overuse can be a little disorienting to readers.
Don't feel discouraged! We've all been there. Writing is hard! I really loved this piece, and I think if you tried some of these suggestions, this story could be even more amazing than it already is. Writing's a process, and we can steadily improve our drafts through revision and a lot of snacks.
Keep writing! I'd love to read this piece again if you choose to revise it. I notice that this is your first piece on WTW, so welcome! I hope you have an awesome time here, and I'm excited to read more from you!! Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions. I'm here to answer them. :)