i float above the world, transcendent.
even as a god, i am horribly dependent
on anything aphrodisiac, for i seek something to mend
the heart that's been battered and broken and bent
even when it has never been out of the cage i've locked it in.
what a colorful place the world would become,
to allow myself to love, to feel instead of sitting in the numbness
i've learned to find comfort in. i shouldn't love emptiness, i should love
but even when they come
i push them away, i scare them till they run
and i wonder why i've never fallen
when i never let myself near the edge of a cliff.
some see the world through goggles that turn the world
i break those goggles before even trying them on.
seeing the world in color is a teen-drama trope i've grown tired of,
and while all my friends see hope as invisible strings around their fingers
(where their rings will soon be)
connecting them to their soulmates,
i see a rope, long and thick and stronger than it seems,
leading to nowhere at all.
i often wonder what the rope is good for.
after fighting this losing battle for too long,
i'm inclined to believe that maybe
i'm not meant to see the rope as a noose for my heart,
stringing it up so i can cut myself loose.
maybe it's not meant to bind my soul to itself, to keep my feelings inside.
i've tried letting go,
i've tried to unwind the rope, but it seems i've tied it so tightly that now,
if it beats too loudly,
i feel roots as strong as tree trunks
shooting down my legs and out my arms
and i struggle to find a way out,
but it's no use.
i've tied myself up,
and now i can't find a way out.