Peer Review by seaomelette (United Arab Emirates)

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Void Apocalypse, Chapter One

By: Riku-San


A lone figure walks along a moonlit path, his tail swishing back and forth with each lithe stride.  Pointed ears, perched gracefully atop his shaggy head, flick this way and that, tracking the sounds of the forest, sensitive even to the footsteps of a mouse scurrying through the grasses bordering the path.  He in many ways resembles a cat; possessing claws, night vision, incredible jumping ability, and senses far beyond that of a human.  But he is not a cat, he is a Meif’wa, known to some as a Neko, or just simply a cat-person.  Since ages forgotten, Meif’wa have been a symbol of love, and kindness, guiding people’s lives and futures through the building and breaking of ships.
A ship is a magical pairing of two sentient beings, they can only be created by a Meif’wa, and they act like rubbing a magnet against a paperclip, the two beings' souls become magnetized towards each-other and they are far more likely to fall in love.  In basic terms, shipping is mild love magic, matchmaking with an edge.
This particular Meif’wa, is named Riku Fuwafuwa.  Professionally he is a Bīsutohantā, or beast-hunter, but his proffered source of income is the Fuwafuwa Bakery and Candy Stop His family’s second legacy, beside beast hunting.
Now, as he glided along in the moonlight, his claws still dripping with the slimy blue blood of a Raion'ika, also known as a Lion Squid.  He realized that it was he who was being stalked by something decidedly evil.  Suddenly, a snap of a twig allerted Riku to the location of his pursuer, he whirled around whipping a shuriken in the direction of the noise, only to find that he had thrown a jelly donut by mistake.
“Crumbs!” Cursed Riku as something barreled out of the trees, knocking him to the hard-packed soil of the forest path.  He staggered to his feet, neon-pink blood pouring from his right shoulder and side.  
Before him stood the most hideous beast he had ever seen,  It resembled an emaciated human or elf, but stood about seven feet tall and was strangely strong looking, with deep purple skin, wrinkled like the mummies retrieved from peat bogs, a pair of curved horns jutting from the top of its skull.  The monster possessed lips, but they were shrunken back into a permanent, demented smile, revealing three rows of glistening, black teeth, every one three inches long, dripping with venom and a distended tongue, two and a half feet long, lashing about like a snake that has been impaled by the claws of a hawk.  Its sunken, hollow eyes glowed with an intelligent hunger, and a deep primordial hatred that chilled Riku to his very core.
The monster lunged at him again, it’s jaw nearly unhinging as it prepared to swallow him whole, fluorescent purple spittle flying everywhere as it did so.  Riku dove to the side, jumped back to his feet and spun around in one fluid motion, but the monster was nowhere in sight.  And so, exhausted, he slumped once again to the forest floor, and sunk into a deep sleep, heedless of the beast that roamed the gloomy woods.
The sun had already risen above the treeline, and only a sliver of the amber colour of dawn remained in the sky, dew had settled on every surface.  The beautiful morning was spoiled by the fact that a Tsurutsuru, or Creeping Vine had wound itself around his body, drawn to the high concentrations of zinc in his spilled blood. 
“Get Baked,” Riku muttered, “Riku-San doesn’t have time for this nonsense! The candy shop won’t run itself!”
Riku groaned as his injury screamed in pain from the act of standing up, and both wounds had turned a nasty periwinkle color overnight.
Due to his injuries, Riku didn’t make it home until quarter-after-ten, which was an hour after the shop opened.  He trudged to the door and pulled it open.  He closed the door and turned around just in time for his little brother Akiro to jump on top of him.
“Riku-San! you’re back,” yelled Akiro, “Akiro-San was so worried about you!”
Now, the thing about Akiro Fuwafuwa is that his name quite literally means He-who is full of energy in the Meif’wa language.  The name fits him perfectly.  Akiro is short, even for a meif’wa standing only four feet eleven inches, he has lime green hair, and amber eyes, while his ears and tail, most resemble that of the cat breed, russian-blue, unlike his brother, who possess the features of a golden tabby.
“Yeah, thanks,” Groaned Riku, “Now could you please get…
“Woah! What happened to your arm?” Cried Akiro, jumping off his brother, “It looks infected!”
“NO duh…”
    Riku sat down and began telling his story, how he had slain the Raion'ika, and was then attacked by the monster.  “Do you think it was a Tamashī-sui-oni?” Asked Akiro, “Cause’ those things look just like what you described!”
    “Riku-San truly hopes not…”
    Blixier Sampson strolled through a dense woodland, oblivious, as usual, to the world around him, and where he was going, when suddenly, he tripped over a rock, and fell flat on his face, typical.
    Blixier was tall, around six feet seven inches, with a tiny moustache and pointy goatee, he had flaming red hair, quite literally in fact, as he had fire for hair.  And was dressed in a trench coat, with sweatpants and a tee-shirt, both black, underneath.  The strangest thing though, was his neck, or lack thereof, his head floated about two inches above his shoulders, bobbing as he moved like it was suspended on a spring.
Blixier groaned as he staggered to his feet and looked around, “Where the f**k am I?”
he wondered aloud, this isn’t Frostgrotta!”
    Around him, he saw a path leading out of the woods, which he followed, and ended up at a town, the sign read, “Mashumarobirejji e yōkoso,”
    ‘Huh, must be french..’ thought Blixier
    He came to a stall selling  sweet selling pastries, they resembled holeless donuts, covered in icing and sprinkled with jelly beans and crushed almonds
    “Can I get two of those?” Blixier asked the vendor, who stared at him in confusion, “TWO OF THOSE PLEASE!”
Ittai nani o itte iru nodesu ka, hendesu ka!?” said the person behind the stall, “Watashi wa anata ni teran o hanashite iru yō ni miemasu ka!?”
    “Fine, be that way,” muttered Blixier as he stalked off, “I’ll just find somewhere else to get those delicious-looking cakes then!”
    Blixier wandered the streets until he came to a quaint-little shop with an awning, the sign read, “Fuwafuwa bēkarī& kyandīsutoppu,” with smaller words beneath that read, “Fuwafuwa Bakery and Candy Stop.”
    ‘Finally,’ thought Blixier, ‘someone who speaks Terran!’
    He opened the door, and a little bell chimed above him, but It was drowned out by the sound of the packed little shop, at least two-dozen people, all chattering in French.  He was literally trampled.
    Blixier Woke up to a splitting headache, and an everything-else-ache.  He looked around and saw a young boy sitting on a chair in the corner, the boy had blue hair and the ears and tail of a cat, which Blixier was just realizing now…
    “Oh good, you’re up,” said the boy cheerfully, springing to his feet, “You’re lucky you didn’t get more serious injuries, most Meif’wa don’t have any respect for Nisemono like you're self.”
    “Introductions First!” stated the cat-boy, “My name is Riku Fuwafuwa, but you can call me Riku-San!  What’s your name?”
    “Blixier” responded Blixier, where the f**k am I?”
    “Marshmallow Village, on the north coast of Tu’la” saif Riku, pulling Blixier to his feet, “now, let’s get you something to eat!!”
    Riku disappeared into the back of the shop and returned moments later with a platter piled high with goodies, cookies, donuts, pastries, even those donut and jelly-ben things from earlier. Near the  end of the feast, Blixier reached for one and brought it to his mouth.
    “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, it has catni...”
    CHOMP!”Not bad, not bad at all... ULP!!!”
    Blixier proceeded to  puke up everything that he had just eaten, all over the freshly cleaned floor.  Riku proceeded to pull Blixier to his feet and left, returning with a mop, and a pail of sweetly-scented soapy water.
    “Clean this up, NOW!” commanded Riku, “and when you’re done, come see me so you can begin waxing!”
    Now, normally Riku wouldn’t have gotten so angry, except for the fact that guest etiquette in Tu’la demands that guests shouldn’t make a mess of any sorts before their welcome is over, which occurs when they have eaten a meal and helped wash the dishes,  If a guest fails to do this, they are subject to whatever punishment the host sees fit, be it washing the whole house, or actual physical punishment.
    Hours Later, Blixier was finally finished making the floor clean enough to eat off of (He would know, he does it frequently) , he collapsed onto the plush couch and promptly fell asleep.  The whole night he dreamed about riding a blue unicorn made of clouds that crapped catnip jelly beans.

Peer Review

I really loved the concept of this story--the world-building is so creative, and the randomness of the plot is hilarious. For the first chapter of this project, I really enjoyed reading this. I got a lot of fascinating information about the world this story's set in, and met a few unique characters. The character designs were insanely creative, and their descriptions detailed and vivid. I also loved all the names you came up with for characters, places, and magical elements in this world.

Honestly, there isn't much to comment on here. You've provided a ton of super interesting information in this first chapter, but just enough to get readers excited to read the next. However, I did notice some minor typos and grammatical errors (usually run-on sentences, incorrect punctuation use, wrongly-capitalized letters) throughout the piece. While writing your first draft, I suggest that you totally ignore grammar - just get your awesome ideas out and have fun. Then, once you've finished, re-read your piece. Reading it aloud is even better, as not only can you find those teeny-tiny errors you've missed, but you can find any awkward-sounding sentences and make them more interesting and melodic. I loved your character descriptions, but I feel that this piece would be even more amazing if you expanded your descriptions to the scenery surrounding the characters. For instance, when Blixier wakes up in the forest, consider describing the scenery in greater detail. How does the woodland's flora look like? Any interesting, weird-looking plants and flowers? Any wacky bird-animals? Totally up to you to explore.

Reviewer Comments

Keep up the great writing! I'd love to read more from you, and I can't wait to read the next chapter of "Void Apocalypse"!