United States

Casually contemplating the meaning of life
Constantly surprised by reality
Pfp by me (it's Fiere and Raven)

Message to Readers

It's been a rough day, a rough year, and a rough life.

Things I just need to talk about right now

October 13, 2020


Be aware of cussing, recent events, talk of religion (or rather, lack of religion), our depressing world, and my sad heart. Nothing here is meant to be offensive.

Westley is still waiting to come around
They want to be happier

Kayli has a really hard time finding it in 'her' to be happy. Westley wants to try harder.

It's hard to be split. Split between yourself, the person you'd like to be, and the person you're stuck being.

I am split. Maybe you're split too. I appreciate you, all you other splits. It's difficult, being split. I'm always around to talk to.

Do you know what else is hard? Waiting for answers. Sitting around and wondering, are things ever going to change?

Will I be getting a name change? I still don't know. With every passing day the wait grows longer, and it makes me continuously worried that the answer is no. If it was yes, why would she take so long to answer me? Unless she's really weighing her decision, but I think it should be obvious. There's no good reason the answer shouldn't be yes. 

Times are hard. It's all hard. So much is difficult, and rough. Struggling through and swinging through the motions. All I've ever done, but it's different now. Different for everyone.

Ihate hearing about it, and talking about it. Everyone can shut their faces about Covid and Politics, I don't want to hear it. Rude I know, but I want to be told something else for once. I think no matter what the election results are, we're going to get screwed. We're practically on the edge of a civil war here in America. Maybe we'll all end up stumbling about world war three.

People our own age are being shot down. Who knows, if we're all still alive in a few years, and the world hadn't ended, we could all be on the front lines. Everyone of us falling down, being shot to protect everyone behind us. Forced into an army, to protect a nation. A nation that may not even protect us. Everyone's got it bad, in every country. I'm not trying to take any sides. 

Why am I talking about the politics I don't want to hear about? I can't even say. Perhaps I'm a fool.

There's a quote that goes something like this, "Geniuses talk when something needs to be said, fools say something because they need to talk."

Somewhere around there, I believe. Can't remember who said it. But I guess we all need to talk sometimes, or we'll drive ourselves crazy.

I don't know what's going to happen. None of us do. Honestly, I'm waiting around for the end of the world. When this year began I said I wouldn't be surprised if the world ended before the decade was over. I wouldn't be surprised if it ended tommorow, or even in five minutes.

Some people say the only way out is through God. If that's the case, I think the good majority of people will go to hell. Me included, seeing as how I don't believe any of it. I truly admire some of the people who do that. Faith is an amazimg thing to have.

Though I'll never be religious myself. I'm not sure whether or not I believe in a God. Just not the exact one in the bible. Not to say he isn't, since I don't know. I just don't personally believe. There are too many reasons for me.

I really admire many people's faiths though, even when we believe different things. So many of you are amazing, along with Christian friends I have. Sadly there are the few intolerable religious people you get, who are plain rude. I've encountered very few people like that here, though sadly there's always rude people in any given community.

Once my mom said my name would never be changed, unless it was my last. My last name changing because I'd be taking the one of her boyfriend's.

I thought that was crazy, considering she doesn't even want to take his last name in marriage. He asked some Christmases ago, and ahe still never answered.

I'd never take his last name, even if they tried to force me. I practically hate the guy. Sure, he has very few, very sparse good moments, but they will never be enough to make up for everything else.

He's been around since I was three or four. There for me much more than my biological father ever was, but it makes no difference. I've always been forced to call him dad, but he'll never be that to me.

They argued earlier. About Halloween decorations. He yelled at me about those the other day too (though just earlier claimed he didn't). Incredibly stupid. He's always angry, all the damn time. Another one of the things he hollared about earlier, claiming he's not always angry. He left yelling earlier with a nice, "See you fucking tommorow then."

Always red in the face and pissy, he is. He must have came back a while ago though, since I just saw him come down the stairs a few minutes ago while I've been writing this. Such as shame, I was glad he left. 

I really wish they would break up sometimes. I don't know why they're together. They live together, maybe even friendly sometimes, and tolerate each other, but if you ask me, it doesn't seen like love. Looks more like bullshit.

I know they've got a kid together, but I don't see the connection between them. I guess we need him, meaning need his money, but I really wish he'd go away sometimes. Take his kid too, for all I care. It may seem cold, but I'd be fine without him here. Then again, I couldn't imagine the tension if it was just me and my mom either.

Family is complicated. I've never been big on family. Don't like talking to, spending time with, or doing things with them. For the most part. Sadly, I'm in a family where we eat dinner together nearly every night. Many people wish they had that, but in my case it's awful. Horrible to sit their with them. Maybe it would be better if they didn't make fun of me all the time, since I've been a kid. 

Ouch people, the shit you say hurts. In fact, you could even call some of it verbal abuse. Wonder why I'm so damn sad and gloomy all the time. Like I've tried to tell you, it's your own damn fault.

Usually I'm much, much, more formal when I write on here. About anything at all. But I simply can't care right now. At the moment, that's too much of an effort. Sorry for wasting your time, and venting, and typing all this nonsense. It's not ad though you need to know or care, but I probably needed to write it. So thanks for listening/reading I guess.

Hope you're doing well, and your troubles soon leave you. For all it's worth, I wish things were better than they are. You likely do too. I'm here if you need or want to talk about anything at all.

May we all find the salvation we need.


See History
  • October 13, 2020 - 6:41pm (Now Viewing)

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  • poetri

    Damn, life’s rough, eh? I’m so sorry people treat you like that. Sending the best vibes your way. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.

    11 months ago
  • ~madeline~

    I'm so, so, sorry. Please know that there are so many people here who support you and love you for who you are. And I would like to apologize on the behalf of all the people who have treated you so horribly cause somehow they can never find the sense to do it themselves. I know you're not religious, but please know that thoughts and prayers are being sent your way <3. If you ever need to talk or even just chat, I'm here.

    11 months ago
  • Huba Huba

    This is such a wholesome piece though, and I relate to many of the things to mention. Times are hard, and I do get sick of watching the news and politics. Thanks for sharing this.

    11 months ago