doodleninja

United States

18

~your local angst-y Christian girl~

when I'm not brooding you can find me trying to write comedy in my series "stereo tropes co." :)

soli Deo gloria!

Message from Writer

>call me "doodle" :)

>check out my series "stereo tropes co." where story tropes run amuck in an office setting!

~"you write so beautifully. your mind must be a terrible place."~
always on the lookout for tragic backstories and broken characters. :D

someone peel this skin off me, it's not mine

October 14, 2020

FREE WRITING

9

lying on my bed in stifling heat
and perhaps that is my greatest sin

feel like a fake
like this sticky skin is not my own
if I were truly a great person
I'd be like them
I'd be on the other side of the fence
my grass may be greener
but do I even deserve this verdure?

as I lie here
wondering if I was ever actually talented
wondering if my achievements have all been flukes
things that I could do
turn into things that I can't
I would's turn into
I won't's
Do's
into
Don'ts
Until 
I've scraped my knees on the stairs to success
and I bleed my fears onto concrete 
staining the steps
worthless
unsatisfactory
f a i l u r e

I drown myself in Tchaikovsky symphonies
washed in melodies drenched in sorrow
til I'm standing in the streets
don't know which way is north
but I know
it's all heading south

that's all I can do
turn around in circles
and maybe my whole life has been lucky choices

but what happens when I make the wrong one

what if this sticky skin melts off in the heat of scrutinization 

and everyone will see
rotting bones underneath
inferior human flesh
I'm not the amazing person you think I am

...how did I get here
how do I stay
my reputation wobbles on a tower made of cards
precariously perched
they make portraits of me
painting me in a better light 
this is deception 
is it not
still I smile for the picture

if I truly lived up to their image
I would not be myself
I must be a
fraud

I should not have made it this far
this was never me 
was it
all this success
all these kind words
they were meant for someone else
I'm inhabiting someone else's body
I am an invader
I am the enemy

I am an...
impostor 





















 
"Impostor syndrome" has always been fascinating to me, mostly because wow does it remind me of my own mindset and how I think, so...that's what inspired this. Do look it up if you don't know what that is :)
 

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4 Comments
  • dead account

    OH MY GODDDDD-this is so good


    4 months ago
  • JustAnotherDarling

    ohmygosh i've read this before...but i'm surprised i haven't already gushed over this! you mixed insecurity into lucid imagery and told a great tale of imposter syndrome. i've never seen it portrayed this way, and your writing made it seem all the more real!
    Re: your comment made my day! i'm always worried about my ideas/concepts being too plain or too weird, so i'm elated you enjoyed reading what i wrote :)
    i hope you have a wonderful day <3


    4 months ago
  • Rachaelgrace (hiatus) :)

    Wow super powerful and fascinating nice work!!


    5 months ago
  • Cosmogyral

    I find this a really intuitive and well-thought work. It's really interesting to see the progression, thanks for sharing.


    5 months ago