JustAnotherDarling

United States

...departed sometime in the autumn...
should you ever need a friend, find me on Wattpad under the same username or at my Instagram: @almostttaesthetic

all my love, and then some more,
JustAnotherDarling

Message to Readers

why does no one ever tell you how terrifying it is to actually put your name out?

lol i suppose i came back for a sec... footnotes!

how it feels to be Tsunami me

November 13, 2020

FREE WRITING

8

I don't remember the question anymore. It doesn't really matter. What's important is that I'd known the answer, and I raised my hand. 
 
"Yes, Tsunami?" 
 
I blinked. Who was that? 
 
"oH mY gOsh! So sorry, dear. What's the answer, Sahara?" 
 
We didn't have a Sahara in our class. I looked around; my hand was the only one up. Everyone was looking at me. 
 
Wait. Did she mean- 
 

"Oh no! I'm so sorry, that's the desert! Remind me your name again, honey." 
 
The other kids in class were giggling, so I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and laughed awkwardly with them. I didn’t want to stand out even more. "My name is Suhani." 
 
As fifth grade would go on, I'd be called SalamiSushi, and Zucchini. I still don't know how. 
 
Suhani means pleasant. It means pretty. I was neither in fifth grade. I wasn't Suhani. 
 
Imagine a 10-year-old having an identity crisis. That was me. Instead of doodling flowers or geometric patterns on the edge of my math worksheets, I wrote my name. Over and over and over and over. Suhani. Suhani. Suhani. Suhani. 
 
Regardless of how unpalatable my name sounded rolling off the tongues of teachers and students alike, no one could steal the beauty of my written name. Suhani. Suhani. Suhani. Suhani. It grounded me, reminded me that my name was still beautiful - that I was still beautiful.  
 
I was called narcissistic for loving my name so much. But if I didn’t even have my name, who was I? 
 
In sixth grade, I became Sohani, Sahni, Sahani
 
I've been ‘Sahani’ for the past 5 years. I guess the way the vowels in my name are arranged, it makes sense for my name to be vomited as that obscene sound. That doesn't stop me from cringing when I hear it, though. 
 
My parents don't say my name much. My mother just speaks, and I know when she's talking to me. My father prefers to call me ‘Suhana,’ which, to me, sounds even sweeter than Suhani. My sister doesn't call me Suhani either. She calls me "didi" out of respect, although she'll occasionally slip a harsh "SUHANI" here and there when she’s upset with me. My name never sounds ugly, even then. Ruhani knows how to say my name - she practically has the same name as me. 
 
‘Suhani’ only mutated at school. 
 
I think school cursed my name. It will never be Suhani. It may become "so honey", but that's not the same. The elegance, the smoothness, of Suhani will forever come out a garbled mess out of nescient mouths. 
 
Even now, my notes are incomplete without Suhani. Suhani. Suhani. Suhani. They are the remnants of an insecure childhood. But now I know for certain that there is nothing more beautiful than my name. I wear it with pride. I give it meaning with my actions. So even when I hear someone’s tongue twist the letters of my name in all the wrong ways, I still know I am Suhani, and that's enough. 
 
I am beautiful. Suhani is beautiful. I am Suhani. 
 
 
School project that I'm proud of ^^
Inspired by How It Feels to Be Colored Me by Zora Neale Hurston
Here's a link to a pdf of the essay, if you're interested (pages 1-3): https://www.casa-arts.org/cms/lib/PA01925203/Centricity/Domain/50/Hurston%20How%20it%20Feels%20to%20Be%20Colored%20Me.pdf 

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  • November 13, 2020 - 5:36pm (Now Viewing)

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24 Comments
  • books4life

    your name is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! :) i love it so much and never forget how you are unique and powerful because of it! :)


    3 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: Oh, cool! That confirmation just makes me wanna move to a small (probably Tennessee) town even more.
    Aw thanks! :D


    3 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Re: Thanks so much for the comment, appreciated as usual! ^-^ Hope your WIP is going well :)
    Woah dreams is kinda eclectic it definitely has a different kinda sound..


    3 months ago
  • musicmaker

    re: Thank you! Glad you liked it! I've always wondered why they called them "sitters". Is it just 'cause they sit around?


    3 months ago
  • journal.scribbles

    re: (sorry this is kinda late) I did enjoy Levitating! It isn't the type of music I normally listen to, so it was nice to try something new. I just saw your message box. I'll miss your wonderful work, but good luck on your wip!!! and also thank you! I hope you have an amazing day/night too! :D


    4 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Haha dancey has always been a word in my book...XD


    4 months ago
  • Lata.B

    Woah omg this is beautiful!


    4 months ago
  • journal.scribbles

    Re: thank you!!! And wow, that sucks. I'll laugh with you - at your teacher though, not your name. How the heck are they still mispronouncing it? XD Omg I just saw the thing in your bio. "dancey" is a word I will definitely be using in the future. XD I'm about to listen to Levitating now. Thanks for recommending it! :)


    4 months ago
  • Emi

    Oh my goodness, this is so amazing! Suhani is such a pretty name—I love how it is unique and not like every other typical name out there. I can relate to this a lot because my real name is also kind of unusual; I'm always getting called weird names that are similar to it but not quite it. I won't even bring up my last name...it's Spanish and nobody I meet can pronounce it for some reason.


    4 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Re: The time is slightly off so its not exactly late yet, but it was good hehe
    ~It's not my birthday, that was awhile before I published the scorpio piece. Thanks tho :) hope you had a great day too! heres to a hopefully relaxing weekend...


    4 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: <3 ^u^


    4 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    re: awwww your comment made me smile <333 you always brighten my day!! Thank you so much <333


    4 months ago
  • em wilder

    re: ok wow thanks i think i would be beyond the stars with all the support you and others have given me.... it makes a girl happy! and like ness said-- you and anne r the moms of wtw!!! ok keep dreaming and flying! and thanks soooo much. <3


    4 months ago
  • lochnessie

    and also, congrats on 80! and thank you!


    4 months ago
  • lochnessie

    THIS IS AMAZING CAPS LOCK NECESSARY
    and re: thank you - you and anne are the mums of all of wtw XD. honestly, i'm okay - just having one of those days where everything just kind of explodes out of you. but it'll turn out okay. i really appreciate your lovely comment.


    4 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    ooh nvm i just did get it :O XD


    4 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Re: yea def caramel <3 <3 speaking of caramel hopefully I can get a milk drink with caramel and boba with less iceeee *Crosses fingers*


    4 months ago
  • em wilder

    woah. this is all so impactful and i love this. your name... beautiful and like rolls off my tongue and rooted in history i love it! and yeah... school people can be mean.... <3
    re: caramel! and thanks! <3


    4 months ago
  • (sk)eyesofocher

    re: awww thank you! I really think it's great! but yes, you remind me of caramel! you have a good weekend too. I hope you're doing well:)


    4 months ago
  • Cosmogyral

    i love that comment so much, i think i might publish it with some tinkering. thank yiu again for asking, it was refreshing to bare my imagination. :) <3 <3 <3


    4 months ago
  • Cosmogyral

    re: wow, what a plot twist, i never expected that. a body is floating in the 'dark', at least i think it's dark, i've never seen true darkness, i don't see the body either, it's me, i can't 'see' but i know, at least i hink it's me because there are limbs connected to 'my' torso, and i can feel the pulse at the end of my hands. i don't know the state of the body, i can't see it, i don't know whethwr or not i imagine the pulse, then the image changes to a pen and ink drawing. everything is scribbled black in fine black gel, but inages are engraved in the format and everything is swirling, every tiny, uncovered spec. it kind of looks like the album cover for the compositions and pieces of that podcast 'dreamboy' on spotify (the story's meh but the soundtrack is all original), except, all the 'white' images are unintelligible. i don't know what i see, but then everything spirals, i don't know how i could ever describe it, but kind of like a dance, and i'd need a word befitting of the cosmic beauty that are not the galaxies, but the happenings, and so i realize, everything is moving in circles, dancing around every other tinker and object. the workings of morality down to the essence of envisionment, truth twirls and mingles with reality. like a masquerade of all that is. i am in awe, and it's so wonderful that it cannot be described with such useless words as the one's i've just typed. i feel it is cosmogyral, and i wish to spin and spin and spin, no matter how much i know i'd get a headache in real life. then everything is real again, because you cannot make wishes of the universe, because the universe is always hosting that which is cosmogyral.


    4 months ago
  • journal.scribbles

    This piece is so good!!! Your name is beautiful, and I hate that people at school are people-at-schooly. Yes, that is now a word. Anyways, amazing piece! I love the beginning and the end is equally impactful. Just wow.


    4 months ago
  • (sk)eyesofocher

    I think Suhani is an amazingggggg name! Like super cool and the meaning? *chefs kiss*


    4 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    THIS IS SOO GOOD AUUGH
    go get some bobaaa its just that good ;) The essay is so powerful too


    4 months ago