Peer Review by Giselle (New Zealand)

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Metal Cage

By: Fly with the shadows


I watch. Fascinated by the cool, almost see-through liquid. Water, they called it; the humans that lived on Earth. The specimen in front of me was some of the last ever seen and it was supposedly priceless. I wonder, what was it like to have been able to see and drink and have been able to swim in it. Not knowing the danger. Not knowing that it was all going to be lost by the solar flares and the Sun burning the planet to dry desert. 

We live in a metal cage. Trapped by our own minds and sheer stupidity. Because if we had perhaps been more foresighted, more able to open our minds; then maybe. Just maybe we might have been able to save mankind from the death of their planet. From the near-death of their own kind. 

But we lacked that foresight. Or rather, we chose not to listen to it. And so, we are trapped in a metal cage, floating within a black unknown, forever unsure of our life and existence. 

I watch. Looking at the beautiful holograms of flora and fauna. Of enormous elephants and slithering snakes. Of lazing leopards and chasing cheetahs. I watch and wonder. 
Wonder how they could have looked at the amazing planet and still have chosen to destroy and annihilate and extinguish more than 4.5 billion years worth of history. While not giving a care to the next generation. 

So I watch and I watch and I watch.
At the movie playing on the screen,
looking at what the world was,
and what it could have been.  

If only we had listened. 
To the children, 
who screamed,
Look! Get up from your screen
Look at the what you're killing

And so,
we should have seen. 


Peer Review

I found it interesting and, as someone in the 'next generation', the anguish expressed by the narrator is very relatable and close to home.

Not for clarity, but for deepening the piece, I think it would work well to include sections describing the setting and what is happening externally etc. alongside the thoughts. I think this would develop the voice a bit more and make it seem even more personal which, I believe, would enhance the message of the piece.

Reviewer Comments

My favourite part was the last three paragraphs. I like the way the piece sort of turned into a poem at the end. I also liked the realisation that the narrator is watching this on a screen. Are they human or something else?