the cosmic horror (#Queenie'sHalloween)

United States

'cosmogyral' means to twirl around the universe, but you can just call me caleb.
bsa, venturing, sophomore.
i like alt lo-fi, poetry and feminism.
when i was a kid, i wanted to be a storm chaser, but now i can't really see myself doing it

Message from Writer

i wanna feel breathless

Current collections:
- an ode to the stars i stole from the sky
- Autumn
-Fast Pieces (literally pieces I put no thought into and just publish)
Competition Pieces: I am not a Writer

changed my username for halloween, haha

got my pfp off of google, neat, right?

I am not a Writer

October 16, 2020

I am not a writer. I write, but a writer, I am not.
 I do not seek to write epic poems and tales of the heroic, I am not a storyteller, in fact, I take pride to admit that I'm rather terrible at churning my imagination and placing it into an empty, physical existence. I don't write for others, it'd cruel to my imagination, and an unsavory type that would make me.
 There are those among this audience who will think that it's impossible for someone to write to not be a writer. It's not impossible, there are composers, playwrights, polemicists, a variety, really. But I am a poet. I write scarcely, and honorably, and above all; controversially. I don't conform to literary limits, it's quite special, but that's my opinion.
  Being a writer, it's easier to be your own downfall, like being a journalist, you write in a fast fashion, and go day to day with quick news. Information is important but does a journalist ever aspire for anything in their craft. It's a rather savage field. I can't ever see myself writing for others. Writing what others want, writing what they need. Poetry doesn't need that, because that's all poetry is, whether a poem is just a few words or the length of a book, I needn't conform for others. I'll write a few lines, and it's not my concern whether or not they mean something, because I only want to write. 
 While it's dramatic, and an opinion few are ever a fan of, it's my truth. When I write, I am the villain. I write with a sense that I mean for cosmic horror, my goal is to make the reader feel so small in the vast space that is everything and nothing in a singular thought. It's mad yet brilliant! And through my poetry is simple and short, it's intentionally dark when the reader compares themselves to the night sky. If any of you were to read what I write, I want you to feel small, I don't want you to look for a positive deeper meaning, because then you miss the point. There's no aspect of imagination if that's all I did with poetry, and I am not a writer, I don't write for you. In case you haven't yet seen my point, it's my belief that writers write for others. Writers, journalists, even novelists. They write what they need and then they share it with others because it may be what others need.
 When I write, something automatic stirs, whether or not I have inspiration doesn't matter. To me, when I write, it's all philosophy, and a slight bit of teen angst, of course, along with a firm hold on confidence in the tone of my works.
If I feel like my voice would crack or shake with a line if I were to read it out loud, I know it's not the right fit and I'll have to rewrite it. If I feel like the piece wouldn't get stuck in the nook of the mind of a reader so that they'd end up thinking of it later, and cry as their thoughts wander, I'd simply toss it. A piece needs to resonate within me before I can feel it to resonate with others, it has to be strong, almost palpable, like the dusk, a moment of the day that passes quietly, but you wanted to watch the sunset instead. It's a simple truth and you could argue that the sunset is the dusk, but it's after the sunset. I refuse to use euphemisms such as that to spare my readers' a sullen connection. I am not a writer.
 Someone once told me that philosophy isn't poetry, and I told them they were crass. Philosophy, like poetry, isn't conformed to literary limits, and that's the small-mindedness that many writers carry.  As a person who is not a writer, I say this bluntly; I don't want to be famous, it sounds like a cluttered and tiring life, and my writing would mutate under an audience, it'd become what they want to happen, not whatever I intend. Being a writer is living a desperate sort of life, wondering the reaction to every sentence you release. My writing would transform into a means of pleasing people. Not a single member of this audience could guarantee the possibility that in a hundred years or so, my words will be perverted to the new world era and its philosophies and expectations. I don't want my words to become someone else's, and that is often the fate of a writer. They can become their own downfall. And that's final of my future. Having already fallen into the despair of my own mind countless times, I won't seek solace in wanton impossibilities that will only strike tragedies.
 It's not impossible to be afraid of being my own downfall, that's all I really am, so I look at the future, not to the future, because there's no time to wonder what the universe has in store for me, there's also no need. I can only build my future on my own. Because of that, I am not a writer. Because of that, I am a poet. I write with purpose, and intention, and I will cram an entire two-thousand-word essay into a measly seventeen and make you yearn for realization more so than any essay or journal entry ever could. By cause of this, I am not a writer, for no 'writer' could ever wish to make an audience feel so small with greater intention and willingly be seen as the villain so that they yearn for realization. My words now are authentic, and I hope you find yourself lost in their cacophony and pandemonium.


  I am a poet, so here is my poem:

An ode to you who heard but had not understood;
what's it like, living in someone else's world?

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2 Comments
  • ~wildflower~

    I’m so glad you decided to enter this in the competition! It is truely a masterpiece.


    5 days ago
  • mirkat

    STUNNING! This is brilliant!!! I love love love the repetition and how you don't conform to other people's ideas or thoughts of you and how you write for yourself and how you are a "villain" in your own story. You create for yourself. The ending was so powerful, too. You went back and declared you are a poet-- and then you wrote a powerful poem, in just a few words, to the people who are writers and the people who write for others. I'm still thinking about this.... it is BEYOND words. Thank you for writing this (even if it wasn't for me :D) because it reminded me why I write who I write for.


    6 days ago