I still can’t believe this happened to us. I really don’t think I can find words to express how sorry I am that you’re here. I guess the odds are never in our favor after all. No one should have to go through this mess. But especially not someone like you.
As I’m writing this, my memories are flashing through my head. It’s actually kind of like the blurry forests and mountains outside the train window in front of me. Even though we’re moving so quickly, leaving 12 behind, I can’t figure out how to truly let it all go. I keep wishing I was still safe at home, and I keep trying to figure out how to get back. But I know that’s just a waste of time.
Every time I close my eyes, I keep thinking about the near future where I’ll close my eyes and they’ll never open again.When I’ll die, and I’ll never again see the looming trees and dusty roads of our district. But maybe it really will work out in a way, because once I’m dead, I’ll be better off. I won’t be in pain anymore. I won’t have to deal with this pain of knowing I never told you how I feel.
Somehow, I just know I’ll never give you this. I’m not even sure why I’m still bothering to write it, but I feel like I can’t stop now. Maybe it’s because I just have to get it off my chest. Or maybe it’s because I know you might actually win these Games, and some small part of me hopes you might find this. And then maybe you could understand why I never said anything after I threw that bread to you. Maybe you could understand that even though you probably didn’t know my name until a couple hours ago, I love you. It’s probably asking too mush for me to hope you’ll understand that, because I don’t understand it myself. But I know it’s true.
Since the first time I saw you, I’ve always loved you. From your braided hair and your beautiful grey eyes to that determination that always seems to radiate from you, I know how special you are. I knew I liked you when I first saw you and heard you sing. We were only five years old. I didn’t see you much, but I thought of you every once in a while. That grew more frequent as I got older. Then years later, when I saw you in the rain, I recognized you immediately. It would have been hard not to recognize the girl who had been haunting my thoughts. My heart broke. I didn’t know what it was that I felt, but I knew I that I cared about you more than I had originally thought. I knew I had to help you somehow. And I didn’t know what else to do except throw the bread. I still hate myself for never talking to you after that. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t ever figure out how to start. I stayed up all that night trying to decide what to say. I had a whole speech worked out, but when you looked at me that next day, I felt like I was about to pass out. After that, I never really had a chance to talk to you. But I was still young. At eleven, I didn’t know what love was.
It wasn’t until about a year ago that I knew I was in love with you. I still don’t even know how it happened, but I love you, Katniss. I want you to know that before I die. Because I know I’m going to die in that arena; but you have a chance. You’re a survivor. You can hunt, and I know you’re smart. You still have a chance, you might still get to go back home. To your family, and to your friend, Gale. Yes, I’ve seen you with him a lot. You two seem to be so close. I wish I could say I’m not jealous of that.
I don’t expect you to ever care about me, and I don’t want you to feel guilty for anything. Even if you have to kill me, I’ll still love you. I sincerely hope you win. Maybe you can teach the Capital a thing or two about doing this to kids every year.
I think that’s all I have to say. I just wanted you to know how I feel, and that I think you have a very good chance of winning. I’m so sorry it happened this way. I hope somehow, someday, you read this. I’ll always love you, even if I never figure out why.
With much love,
Here’s part 3 of my collab with Coolgirl2020: The Lost Letters of Panem. It’s based off of the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. Have a great weekend!