How to talk to People: For Dunderheads

Are you bad at talking to people? Yes, you over there in the corner. You are? Well lucky you, I'm going to walk you through having a decent interaction with someone! Let's get started!

Step 1: Pick a person, any person. See that guy over there? No there, across the room sitting by himself? How about him? He just moved here a week ago and he seems pretty shy. Why not go introduce yourself!

Step 2: Walk over to him. Try to act normal don’t- crap, oh well, everyone falls sometimes. Try to get up without attracting too much attention. Try to ignore the concerned looks from your classmates.

Step 3: Alrighty, good job! You actually made it across the room! Now comes the really tough part. You have to say something to him.
Here are some ideas for your first statement:
~ Hi, how’s it going?
~Hey, are you new? I haven’t seen you before.
~ Hi, I’m [insert name here]! How’s your day going?
Or you could totally ignore this section and attempt to come up with your own!

Step 4: Okay, ignoring that section probably wasn’t the best idea you’ve ever had and asking him if he liked beets was NOT a good first statement. Ignore your sweating palms and press onward, you can still do this! Wait for his response to your question and try to go off of that.

Step 5: He said, “Uh, I mean not really.” You have a few options now.
Option a) Laugh and make sure he understands it’s a joke, then move the conversation in a more normal direction.
Option b) Playfully ask him why not and keep the joke going.
Option c) Laugh and say nice then walk away, ending the conversation.

Step 6: When I said playfully I meant ask him why not in a sweet joking way, not aggressively demand he justify his dislike of beets. Slamming your fist into his desk as you said it was probably not such a good idea either. People are staring at you now, and he looks scared. The only thing to do now that might save this would be to apologize, make your joke clear and peacefully walk away... NO, DON’T RUN OUT OF THE ROOM!!

Oh well, that’s all for lesson one. Maybe next time we’ll get a little further. Maybe someday we’ll even find out his name.