Peer Review by seaomelette (United Arab Emirates)

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I'll Never See You Again

By: Hazel Nut


FREE WRITING

The silence in church was deadly. Tears raced down cheeks. Parker never liked funerals, especially her best friends. Photos of him hanging around the room. All memories now. All in the past. 

After the funeral everyone was going back to his house, to remember him. Parker didn’t go. She couldn’t bear the idea of going into his house, his kitchen, his bedroom, places he would never go again. No. She had to getaway. She walked and walked until she could no more. As she walked she could feel the raindrops spit on her face, the dark grey clouds hung over her head, sadness clouded the world. She had walked to the woods, where they used to meet. Everything was there. The swing, the lake, the trees. Only Simon was missing. Memories flooded back. Some of the best times her life were with him. she could almost see him here now. His crooked smile, his deep blue eyes, his dark brown mop of hair. He walked up to her. “Sparrow” she whispered his old nickname. He nodded “You remembered”. His voice was sweet and musical. Parker raced up to him, too scared to touch him in case he disappeared.  She smiled and laughed, and tears, joyous tears, streamed from her eyes. She was thrilled, absolutely thrilled. Jow beamed from parker, her smile lighting up the forest around her. 

Simons jaw dropped, his face went blank. His pupils now black, his skin, ghostly pale. Parker frowned and, slowly, crept over to see what was happening. Before her eyes, Simon was transforming. His eyes sagged, dark rims circled them, his hair falling out in clumps, his face so white, so deadly white. Parker was shocked. she collapsed to the ground, all the wind was taken out of her. she crawled over to Simon, who was, now too, on the ground. Blood trickled from his mouth. Parker couldn’t believe it. Her best friend was dying in front of her eyes... again. It was just as she remembered. she felt for his hands, ice cold. his eyes, now deep and soulless. Parker collapsed on top of Simon and cried. She cried a river, pouring out her heart. Parker cried until she could no more. She cried until nothing was left. 

What happened next is still a blur for Parker. She remembered lights, bright, blinding lights. Her mother hugging her, couldn’t find her, thinking she had gone. People stood around her, circling her like lions, All starring, all watching. She looked down to the body she was hugging, Simons body, but it was no more. Gone. Parker thought it was a dream, it must have been, she was just imagining things, caught in the moment, But no. As she looked around she saw him in the crowd of people. They locked eyes, and as Simon slowly faded away, Parker smiled. Simon didn’t have to suffer any more. No more pain grief. No more mourning, no more torture. Simon was free.


Message to Readers

This is a story for English. Reviews would be great.


Peer Review

I really loved the poignancy and overwhelming sense of loss you conveyed through this story. I also adore the sentence flow you've got going on here - the staccato sentences feel like Parker's grief-stricken thought process.


Don't take me wrong, I love this piece. However, when I first read it, I was a little confused. I understand that Parker and Simon were friends, and Parker, attending his funeral, becomes overwhelmed with grief, hallucinates Simon, and comes to terms with her loss. Yet, I feel that the transition from the funeral to Parker's house to the immediate aftermath of Simon's death is a little too abrupt, and can be disorienting for readers. How did Simon die? What happened that day in the forest? How was Simon freed? It's up to you how you answer these questions, but I feel that if you clarified the story's plot a little more, this piece would be even more impactful. Your descriptions were super gripping, but I think you can expand on them to make them even more powerful. A little trick to remember is "Show, not tell." For instance, rather than stating "His voice was sweet and musical", and ending the sentence there, consider elaborating. Show that his voice was musical, rather than just stating it is. Maybe you could compare Simon's voice to the lulling waves on the seashore, or to the melodic chirps of birds. There are tons of possibilities, and it's totally up to you to explore them! I also noticed a few typos and grammatical errors through the piece--missing apostrophes (i.e. Simons instead of Simon's), uncapitalized words at the beginning of sentences (i.e. she instead of She), and minor typos (i.e. starring instead of staring). These are minor mistakes, but I suggest rereading your drafts several times aloud so that you can catch them. I tend to make careless typos when I get real excited and start typing rapidly, and reading aloud can be so helpful to find them. In addition, when you read your piece aloud, you can see how the overall flow of the story sounds, and if there are any clunky or awkward sentences that can be improved. I hope that helps!


Reviewer Comments

Keep up the awesome writing! I'd love to read this piece again if you choose to revise it. (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧