Westley

United States

They/Them
Casually contemplating the meaning of life
Constantly suprised by reality
Pfp by me (yeah, it's Fiere. Incredibly sparkly).

Message to Readers

Nonfiction- and just happened

I'm scared beyond belief, I want a name change, and I just sent this to my mom

September 14, 2020

FREE WRITING

24
I had to write this because you won't listen to me talk. So dearly I've wanted to have a serious conversation about this, but you refuse to listen.

I want a name change. I'm sure you know that. But it's impossible to talk to you about it when you immeadiately end everything with a no.

Do you know what I want to change my name to? You probably do. Don't take it as a joke. I wouldn't go to this pain and trouble if I didn't mean it.

I'd like to change my name to Westley. I really love the name. It feels right, and it feels me.  The name you were going to give me if I was a boy. You tell me that is not a girl's name.

Well, I'm not a girl. You should know that, because I've told you. Maybe you like to pretend I am, or act like you've forgotten, but that's the truth. Here's a recap: I'm genderfluid. (Meaning I switch between different genders). You may think it's silly, a phase, crazy, wrong, or perhaps something or someone made me this way. But it's just me, the way I am. I've known for nearly three years now. And I've long been wishing for a name change.

I know it's hard for you to accept. That only makes sense coming from your position, and I'm sure you don't understand. It probably just doesn't make sense to you.

But I'm asking you, please try to understand me. Just a bit. You won't look at things my way, so I'm trying to tell you where I'm coming from.
I know you don't want me to get rid of the name Kayli. Because you think I'm your Kayli, you're girl. You're daughter. But I'm not.

I understand, it's the name you chose for me. What you gave to me when I was born. Maybe it hurts you, knowing I don't want the name you gave me.

But I'm not Kayli. I don't like the name Kayli. It's became gross to me. It's feminine, and it's not my name.
I'm Westley. I'm not just a girl, or a boy.
I know, you're probably scared. You think I'm changing. But it's not really a change, it's just the real me.

Do you know what hurts me more than anything? Everytime I hear you talk about me and you say the word she. I hate being called she. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

She, her, daughter, sister, girl. All these female pronouns and words, they aren't me. I'm so sick of them. It's truly painful, and it's tiring me out.

Everytime I'm called a girl I want to cry. It's not right.

Most everyday I here she, her, and the name Kayli. Everytime I hear them, they strike me as wrong. I wish I could correct everyone.

I don't want to be Kayli anymore. I hate that name. They say hate is a strong word. It's not strong enough to express the way I feel.

I love you mom. And you say you love me. But it seems like you love Kayli. Can you understand where I'm coming from? You aren't supportive. You aren't supporting me. I want the love you give Kayli, the person you want me to be.
You're my mom. You should love the person I am, love me no matter what. So can you find it in you to love Westley? Maybe you think 'we' are the same person. But I need you to know I'm not Kayli. Kayli is something you want. And Westley isn't. But I hope I can be.

I know it's a hard adjustment, but can you try?

Please leave religion and sex, and really everything, out of this. Right now, I'm just trying to get you to see me as a person.

I'm sure you're worried. It makes sense you are. But trust me, you don't need to be.

Maybe you're worried about what other people will think and say. But I don't care. I've never cared.

If family won't accept me this way, then they don't really love me. At least, they don't love me for who I really am.

Maybe you think you've done something wrong. Maybe other people will think that too.

But mom, I think you've done a pretty great job. I know you always try your best. The only wrong thing you could do is shut this out.

Maybe you think it'll make it harder for me as an adult. But you know what? I'm up for the challenge. I just want to be me. And if other people can't take it, too bad for them. Life is tough, I know that. And I'm ready to face it.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm another human.

Once again, I'm sure you're scared. I'm scared to. Scared of what you'll think, say, and do. I don't care about everyone else's opinion, but you're my mom. You're decisions and thoughts directly impact my life. I'm trying to understand your point of view, so try to see mine.

I'm scared of Tom too. He won't like it. I know that. And he'll probably be angry. He's always angry. Do you think he can accept me as I am? Can you accept me as I am?

I really hope so.

So what do you say? Can we make Westley happen? I want to change my name legally.

This is my first year of highschool. I had plans. When I went to school this year I was going to make Westley official. Have people call me Westley, use strictly they/them pronouns. But because of everything going on, I didn't get to. That really hurts me. You could never comperhend how much I've longed to introduce myself as Westley.

It's worse everyday. Hearing the name Kayli. Hearing she, her. Your sister. My daughter. I can't take it anymore.

I'm your child. I'm Westley.

And if I can't be Westley, I'm just going to be lost.

I'm hurt. Hurt hearing these things. These wrong things. Calling me she is wrong. Calling me Kayli is wrong. All wrong.

I really want to stop crying. I want to be Westley, I want to be me. I want to be happier than I am.

So why can't I legally change it to Westley? What's so bad about that? About being myself, about wanting to be happy?

Can you understand how seriously I want this name change? How much I need it?

It pains me to write this, but it would hurt more going on and lying about it.

Even if you say no, nothing will change.
Truly, I will still be Westley. I'm still going to be genderfluid. And in four years I'll be an adult. And I will still be Westley. And I will still be genderfluid. The only difference? I'll be done being sad about it. Because in four years, when I'm an adult, I'll be able to legally change my name myself.

Saying no will only delay the process.

I'm sure there are all sorts of things about this that confuse you. Many things youre scared and worried about. Maybe you don't like this. But that doesnt change anything, because this is the truth. I hope I haven't been coming off as rude, I'm not trying to be disrespectful.
I legally want it changed. More than anything in the world.

I'm sick of the feminine name Kayli. I'm not a girl.

As of yet, I don't plan on changing any parts. I don't want to do that.

But often times I really hate my boobs. Stupid awful boobs. Most of the time I hate looking at them, hate knowing they're there. There are few days I don't mind them.

So I want to start binding my chest. A chest binder is like a bra, but it 'restrains' your boobs. It's not painful, and it isn't unhealthy. They're proven safe, and I'd really like some. Some days I'm a boy, though I'm sure you don't get it, and they'd help me feel more masculine. I wouldn't mind some more boy's clothes either.

I'm sure it's a lot to ask for, and maybe I'm taking it a bit fast, throwing it all in your face. But I need you to know.
This is all I'm asking for. Can you be proud of me for being myself? Can you accept me this way?

In my eyes, these are the things I need to be me: A name change, chest binders, some boy's clothes, your love, acceptance, and support.

Maybe some of these things will have to come along the way. I'm willing to accept that, and willing to wait.

So are you willing to accept this? To accept me for me? To accept me as Westley, your child, and not your daughter Kayli?
Ah, my heart is pounding. I sent this to my mom over text a few minutes ago. I asked her not to talk to me about it tonight yet. Idk is she got it.

I pasted it here, and had to re-put in the paragraph breaks, so I may have missed some, if it seems smashed together.

I wrote this a few days ago, and it's been rewritten and edited a few times.

Wish me luck. I really need it. I'm terrified. I can't believe I'm posting this here. I'll update y'all on what happens, if/when it does.

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  • September 14, 2020 - 9:51pm (Now Viewing)

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18 Comments
  • Paisley Blue

    Oh Westley, I'm praying for you, dude <3 this is very respectful and firm and I think it is perfect. I really hope that your mom understands and accepts you the way you are. All my love and support—and bravery, but it seems you have an abundance of that already! I know it might seem kind of weird, coming from a person you've only talked to a few times, but I'm proud of you. You got this. I believe in you, and no matter what happens, be yourself. All my love <3
    Best of luck! Keep us updated <3


    2 months ago
  • mia_:)

    you are SO brave and i envy that about you! i wish you all the best, but know that i'm here for you and i know that you're strong and talented and beautiful! and you've inspired me a whole lot with this piece! thank you for that! ily!! <3


    2 months ago
  • Wisp

    Oh Westley, I feel as if we've just glimpsed into something so personal and meaningful, almost as if we've seen something we weren't supposed to. Gosh, I wish I had your strength and courage, you're such an inspiration here. Even if it doesn't turn out as you had hoped, we're here for you if you need us.


    3 months ago
  • Samina

    You're brave Westley! We are with you!!!


    3 months ago
  • NaiadIna

    What a brave human being you are. This is what writing is all about; this utter vulnerability. You have to know that you are probably inspiring many people silently reading this. Good on you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. x


    3 months ago
  • Westley

    Thanks all you sweet people. You're some of the best people I've gotten to know. All you freinds on WTW are so supportive <3
    This has been a big struggle. After I sent this she sent a text saying I Love You. I messaged her back, and nothing has happened since. I'll definitely let you guys know about the outcome when it comes along.


    3 months ago
  • sci-Fi

    Wow, just realized I totally used the wrong you're/your. So that's fun XD.


    3 months ago
  • outoftheblue

    all the best, my friend <3
    i really hope your mom understands, and if she doesn't we're here for you :)


    3 months ago
  • sci-Fi

    You are so brave. You are Westley, and you're family will always love you. And if you ever experience ANY hate, Write the Wold is here for you <3


    3 months ago
  • Wicked!

    This is so brave of you. Remember that no matter what, there will always be people who support you and love you for yourself. I wish you all the very best!


    3 months ago
  • chrysanthemums&ink

    you're so very brave, westley. wishing you the best <3


    3 months ago
  • rainandsonder

    i am sending so much love your way, coming out to a friend that i knew was accepting over text was one of the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do, i can’t even imagine what it must be like to do this. know that, no matter what happens, we are all making the world a better, richer place, one step at a time, just by being ourselves in the face of society’s expectations. westley is a great name, and i’m sending you the best of luck via the internet!


    3 months ago
  • sunny.v

    i wish you all the best, no matter what happens <3


    3 months ago
  • ~Zoe N~

    This was very brave, good luck! We are here for you. <333 Sending lots of love your way Westley <3


    3 months ago
  • journal.scribbles

    I think you expressed your thoughts really well. Just know that no matter what, we're here for you! Your mom loves you and someday, she'll understand and accept you. I know how hard it is to stand up to people you're close to, and I think you're incredibly brave in sending this to your mom. Good luck!!!


    3 months ago
  • WitchyKittyKat

    ahhh good luck Westley! Tell us how it all works out!! <3


    3 months ago
  • FantasyOtter12

    Oh. My. Goodness. Just...wow I'm speechless. First of all, I'm sending you good luck vibes that I can only hope get through, and secondly I'm sosooosoo sorry you have to go through this. You'll meet the most support people in your life, and I'm sure everything will work out <3 Support support support and much love Westley <3 <3 <3


    3 months ago
  • Lights.B (#holidayvibes)

    This is so brave of you!! And I love the name Westley! It sounds so cool! Yes, please say if it goes well.. I hope it does! :)


    3 months ago